until the day i die...
Dunno what's going on in my life... I'm not really living it at the moment. I'm like on autopilot. I don't want to see what my life looks like for real, so I squinch my eyes up and everything goes fuzzy and I look at the world that way. It seems so much better that way. I don't have to see what's really going on, I just see what I want to see, how I want to see it. But that's just me. I hate looking around and seeing all the lying and the gossip and the bullshit that goes on. So I just ignore it and act like it's not there. I don't let myself feel and I flipped out on Matthew today because he wanted me to take him to the movies for my birthday. He asked what I was doing and I said probably nothing because mom is gonna be tired and that weekend she has to work and I was invited to a party, but I'll probably go to Amanda's and hang out with her for the weekend. I don't know. What I'll end up doing is sitting at home in my room by myself. Doing what I do every year on my birthday. And leave it at that. I hate birthdays, I hate holidays. I hate Valentine's Day and my birthday the most. Whatver though. I should just get over myself and stop caring about my life. I haven't cryed in a long time and I know I'm going to real soon.
It's amazing falling in love, but then you realize that it's all a big fat lie. I've cut myself off from becoming "emotionally attached" to people. Now, you're there, then we fight, then you're not there. See, autopilot. Today someone came up to me and looked my dead in the eyes and told me that I don't have that 'sparkle' anymore. What sparkle? I asked them that and they proceeded to reply that sparkle that you had when you were in love and happy, it's gone and your eyes look empty like you're dead or something. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. What am I supposed to do? Act happy and seem like I'm something I'm not? I don't think so. I'm done pretending to be someone else just so people don't go ape on me and act like I'm gonna jump off the school if they turn their backs. Trust me, I'm not. You people aren't worth that. I can take care of myself in my own little ways.
It's amazing falling in love, but then you realize that it's all a big fat lie. I've cut myself off from becoming "emotionally attached" to people. Now, you're there, then we fight, then you're not there. See, autopilot. Today someone came up to me and looked my dead in the eyes and told me that I don't have that 'sparkle' anymore. What sparkle? I asked them that and they proceeded to reply that sparkle that you had when you were in love and happy, it's gone and your eyes look empty like you're dead or something. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. What am I supposed to do? Act happy and seem like I'm something I'm not? I don't think so. I'm done pretending to be someone else just so people don't go ape on me and act like I'm gonna jump off the school if they turn their backs. Trust me, I'm not. You people aren't worth that. I can take care of myself in my own little ways.