Jingles and Bitches
So, of late, my newest pet peeve is completely unnecessary commercial jingles. Now we all now the classics, ie: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." But recently, there has been a wave of shitty local ones that are just pointless. They do little more than just repeat the goddamn name of the company! But of late my new favorite jingle is for Check Into Cash, which goes--to a hip-hop beat with a soprano woman trying to sing in the octave of Johnny Cash:
Ya got a cash emergency?
Ya got a money maydayyyyyyyyy?
We'll take your personal check,
And then we'll hold it 'til your paydayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
By the end of payday, the poor singer is singing deep in her throat, it's so ridiculous!!! Needless to say, I've been singing it to Jason at the most inappropriate of times. At dinner. During television shows. It's better than when we were singing the Empire Carpets theme song which is just the phone number and no discernable melody:
Eight hundred
five-eight-eight
two-three hundred.
Empire!
Old Man voice: "Today!"
...But I digress. In gigantic news, I'm getting a cell phone. *Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect* Didn't see that coming did you? Aaaaaaaah boo ya!
Today, I officially had my first bitchy customer. I know! I was surprised! I think we all know what that means! *cue theme music by Barry Manilow* A dramatization in one act.
Damon Xanthopoulos, loyal OmniCorp. employee.....................gay Heath Ledger
Ms. Sotheby, one major fucking cunt.......................................Andie MacDowell
SCENE: a local Gap store.
Curtain opens. DAMON at register saying goodbye to a customer. SOTHEBY cuts in line holding a cardigan on a hanger.
SOTHEBY: Excuse me!
DAMON: Yes?
SOTHEBY: I received 90 dollars in gift cards for Christmas, and your store's practically empty! So I want to exchange the gift cards for money.
DAMON: I'm sorry, but I can't do that. We can't exchange gift cards for money, they can only be exchanged for merchandise or merchandise credit.
SOTHEBY: This is ridiculous! There isn't anything here to buy. The only thing I could find that I was interested in was this cardigan, and it's just eight dollars! There's no way I'm spending 90 dollars here!
DAMON: Well, we have Gaps at Cool Springs, Green Hills, Hickory Hollow and an outlet store at Opry Mills Mall. You can use your gift cards at any of those stores as well.
SOTHEBY: I'm not driving 45 miles to those stores! (DAMON notes that none of these malls are 45 miles away.) I'm sorry! But I'm not! That's ridiculous! How can you expect me to spend 90 dollars in this store?
DAMON: Ma'am, this store is closing.
SOTHEBY remains silent thinking about what to say next. She decides to stay the course.
SOTHEBY: This is ridiculous!
DAMON: (pause) okay...
*Silence*
DAMON: Have you tried taking those ninety dollars worth of gift cards and wedging them lengthwise up your cunt?
SOTHEBY: (calming down) Why no! I haven't! Do you think that would solve this dilemma we've become mired in?
DAMON: That should do it.
SOTHEBY: I'm sorry I spoke so rashly to you, good sir. A hundred years' prosperity on your house! Good day to you! (Exits.)
Curtain.
Case closed! Finally, I was offered a job at Starbucks this week. Although, to put it as Jason did, I'm not sure if the older effete manager wanted to give me a job, or a joooooooooooooooooooooooob.
~"What a Crotchety Old Bitch" Damon
EDIT: I forgot to mention that I went out with an old high school friend, Amanda, this weekend. I met up with a few of her workfriends and her, and then two of them dropped out, we followed the last of her coworkers to Decades--the club that makes you pay for a shitty, ugly, frat party. After ten minutes of that, we peaced out and went to the only place I knew, the gay bar. So while at Tribe, we talked forever about whatever, but eventually I got on the subject of how I feel that I'm the only guy who has come out at Beech. No sooner had I said that when a 2001 alumnus walked in. Case closed! ~D