One of those bursts of writing for no apparent reason. At 4 AM
For someone's whose internal monologue/dialogue/polylogue is so ridiculously logorrheic, I say remarkably little. Especially these days. If you could only hear what goes on in my head. I'm always on, always thinking, wondering, worrying, singing, pondering, analyzing. But what comes out of my mouth sounds like a sullen teen. I've lost the ability to verbally communicate with the rest of the world. My brain-to-mouth filter is working overtime, maybe because my emotions are so closely attached to all those words and feelings that I can't divorce the two enough to have a conversation that isn't straight from my amygdala (part of brain involved with emotion/the 4 F's: fight, flee, fear, and ... sex). So I shut down and don't talk and just let people talk at me. If only you could hear all that goes on inside.
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I think my intellect outstripped my talent years ago. I seem to suffer from terminal objectivity when assessing anything I do, and I invariably come up lacking with anything that exists outside my mind. I can tell that some of the ideas I have are smart and witty and brilliant even, but then they get out of my head and die on the page. I know what fluency is in other languages, and I don't have it. I can hear the music in my head with all the emotion and complexity I want to express, then it comes out wooden and stilted, thwarted by fingers I didn't train well enough. I have gorgeous internal images, moments captured in utter clarity, but I don't even know where to start on how to get it out of my head. And I can't seem to say "Oh, that's what happens as you practice and get better." I'm just sure that it's not as good as the germinative idea. It's like having the most glorious seed that you plant and water only to find that it's crabgrass.
Doubtless this is partially symptomatic of being a reader. If you spend all your time putting stuff into your head, of course there will eventually be an imbalance of what is in vs. what comes out.
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All the big words come out when I'm stuck in my head. Diagnosis: hyperprecision in self-analysis
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This post is horrifically self-indulgent, and I'm probably never going to read it again.
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I think my intellect outstripped my talent years ago. I seem to suffer from terminal objectivity when assessing anything I do, and I invariably come up lacking with anything that exists outside my mind. I can tell that some of the ideas I have are smart and witty and brilliant even, but then they get out of my head and die on the page. I know what fluency is in other languages, and I don't have it. I can hear the music in my head with all the emotion and complexity I want to express, then it comes out wooden and stilted, thwarted by fingers I didn't train well enough. I have gorgeous internal images, moments captured in utter clarity, but I don't even know where to start on how to get it out of my head. And I can't seem to say "Oh, that's what happens as you practice and get better." I'm just sure that it's not as good as the germinative idea. It's like having the most glorious seed that you plant and water only to find that it's crabgrass.
Doubtless this is partially symptomatic of being a reader. If you spend all your time putting stuff into your head, of course there will eventually be an imbalance of what is in vs. what comes out.
*****
All the big words come out when I'm stuck in my head. Diagnosis: hyperprecision in self-analysis
*****
This post is horrifically self-indulgent, and I'm probably never going to read it again.