Fic: Don't be ridiculous.
Title: Don't be ridiculous. .
Characters: Bird, Kael, Nthony, Hasion, Ren
Pairings: Bird/Nthony, Bird/Kael, Bird/Hasion, Bird/Ren LOLOLOLOL. Okay not really. Only one.
Notes: CRACK!fic. No plot whatsoever, written on impulse, meant to confuse, intended to make absolutely no sense and just be plain ludicrous. For dragonfireruby ♥.
Summary: Real critical discussion and dialogue on Bird’s belly. Because it's that important.
***
Bird walked into the room, one hand arched against her back as she held her balance, the other on her travel bag, ready to leave for their destination, only to greet her group of companions studying her as if she was some kind of display from a freak show. She had not seen either of them for over half a year - although one she had seen - if not a little too much, but she had expected them to pay a little more attention to her, instead of the size of her stomach.
It was the elf who started it, zooming in on her belly with eyes so focused that any more and Bird would have thought him cross-eyed. The man with orange hair was a bit more subtle, rummaging through his hair with a palm and shaking his head with a wry smile of amusement, and then grinning as if he had just won the lottery. At least the other two had not approached her yet, one still seated in his chair - albeit uncomfortably, his brows heavily furrowed, while the other - although having regarded her with some twisted kind of interest, eventually turned his head and reclined against a pillar, content to be one with the furniture.
With rising embarrassment, Bird tried to shoo the elf away, shielding her waist - or now lack of waist with her bag as Ren leapt back to avoid being smacked.
"Dear sweet Eivinis!" He cried, startled, "Bird, how did you manage to grow so fat?"
The girl rolled her eyes, knowing that even though the elf was not the most enlightened when it came to humans, he knew quite well why a woman’s belly would be rounded while the other parts of her had not.
The grinning man beside Ren sneered. "Obviously she’s been eating the right things," Hasion remarked, throwing himself back into a seat next to Nthony, elbowing the annoyed man in the shoulders. Nthony didn’t rise to the bait.
Bird threw a sympathetic look towards Nthony, and he regarded her with equal sympathy, their exchange immediately caught by the likes of Hasion and Ren, the latter who pounced.
"So," Ren began slowly, but Bird interrupted before he could finish, immediately suspicious from the elf’s lacy tone.
"So," Bird regathered herself with a quick smile, clutching her bag tighter, "It’s time we left."
Hasion crossed his arms. "Oh no we don’t. Not in your condition we’re not. There’s no way I’m going to allow a woman," he dangerously emphasised the term, "Certainly not one as you are, to sail off in wretched weather and then trek across the mountains to reach the dismal, dark fortress of doom and then face off with the wicked, wild and beautiful antagonist of this story while you are…" He suddenly seemed to fumble for words. "Are…" he attempted again but Bird threw one hand up in the air.
"Hasion," she snapped, "I’m pregnant. Not sick. Not dying."
A shadow in the corner twitched only slightly.
"Same thing!" Hasion grumbled, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture the moment he caught Bird’s glare. "Well, it will become the same thing - if you take this journey."
Ren nodded furiously by Hasion’s side, and Bird tilted her head slightly, wondering why she had not recognised the numerous similarities of the two earlier.
"Oh man," Hasion sighed, realising that the girl - woman wasn’t going to be deterred from her plans. "You," he nudged Nthony in the side again, "I’m ashamed of you. Shouldn’t you be trying to talk her out of this?"
Nthony’s eyes narrowed. "Don’t you think I’ve tried?"
"Well obviously not hard enough!" Ren shot in from the side, waving his hands madly while prancing around Nthony who did his best to remain firmly unfocused from the amazing handstands and back flips Ren was performing in front of him.
"Ren," Bird sounded strangely angry, "Stop bothering him."
Ren hesitated before danced back to the woman who was still standing. "I’m sorry," he said, taking her hand and leading her to the chairs, Nthony shifting slightly to make room as she sat down next to him. Bird placed the bag aside while Ren hurriedly went off to fetch a glass of water.
"How long are you?" Hasion leaned in from across Nthony as Bird unconsciously cradled her belly. She shot a look at the man beside her for guidance.
When Nthony gave none, Bird replied, her voice suddenly meek, as if shy. "I’m nearing half a year."
Hasion whistled. "So this is what happens when I haven’t seen you for a long time." He smiled knowingly at Nthony who folded his arms and closed his eyes, the frown permanent on the lines of his face.
"Well," Hasion’s gaze snapped back to Bird, his eyes smiling, "Does it, she or he, kick sometimes?"
"Regularly." It was Nthony who answered, his tone level, turning towards Bird. "And all the more reason for you not to go."
"No. I must," she answered, and catching the look on Hasion’s face, she added hastily, "Unless there is any other person in this room who can channel magic - I will be going."
Nthony merely frowned a little harder. Bird smiled at the both of them, Ren suddenly prancing back into the hall with a glass of water. He handed it to Bird, who thanked him, all the while Ren was exclaiming, "Oh what are you going to name the child? Do you know if it’s a girl or boy?"
Bird nearly laughed.
"I bet you it’s a son," Ren’s eyes gleamed in a suspicious, almost nefarious manner. "I suggest you name him after someone wonderful, someone he could see as a role model to look up to, someone like-"
"Eivinis." The three on chairs answered unspectacularly, their voices dull in synchrony.
"Why yes," Ren smiled prettily.
"No." Nthony said firmly, "I was thinking of another name for the child,"
"And you are so in the position to be naming," Ren commented, and a faint shade of red rose and disappeared as quickly as it had arrived on the man’s face as he turned away.
"And approaching that matter," Ren murmured slyly as to watch Nthony stiffen, smiling at Bird, "You really must tell us, who is the father of your child."
Bird flushed, although she had known that the stupid clichéd question would arise sooner or later. Hasion’s head rose a little, and he leaned a gruff arm on Nthony’s shoulder who otherwise stared ahead and decided to be oblivious on a matter he already had the answer to.
"Well," Ren demanded, "I think us two godfathers to-be have the right to know," he beamed at Hasion, but then raised a delicate eyebrow a little, "Unless one of us is actually the real dad-to-be."
The orange haired man laughed out unbelievingly, "No seriously, that’s too funny. You cannot think that it really was I?"
"No one ever said it was you," Ren suggested idly.
Hasion did not find it amusing. "Well, by elimination it is I." He pointed an accusing finger at the area he suspected was Ren’s private parts. "It is not possible that an elf can conceive with a human, or even... m-m-mate with them."
"And how can you be so sure?" Of all people, this from Nthony.
Hasion became mild, "It is not a topic worth debating right now. I know that I am… well masterful at coming and going rather easily, and that you all believe me to be the kind of character who could just jump through a window, be all dashing, seductive and handsome, do the deed and then simply leave as if I had not been there at all-"
Bird actually snorted, agreeing. Hasion ignored her for the moment, "But it cannot be me. I just got out of prison."
Nthony rubbed his temples, as if that had been a mistake on his behalf.
But Ren continued to grate the ruffled man with clever eyes, just for good measure. "Yes, but we all know you find her pretty!"
Surprisingly, both Bird and Hasion actually turned a little red. Nthony brushed Hasion’s elbow off his shoulder. "Yes, well," Hasion stuttered but then composed himself dashingly, so much that it was admirable, "Maybe so. But then again, I find lots of things good-looking. I find you beautiful," he whispered towards Ren, who then beamed a little more proudly.
"But really," Hasion turned to Bird for rescuing. "Tell Ren that he’s being more stupid than he usually is."
"Tell him yourself. He’s dancing right in front of you."
"No, tell him that it wasn’t me. God, you’re not enjoying this are you?"
Bird laughed a little, feeling as happy as she had ever been and gave Hasion a little smile that spoke of the closest kind of friendship but only that and nothing more. "It isn’t Hasion," she told Ren, and the elf brushed off the reply as if he had known this from the beginning.
"Well obviously," Ren rolled his eyes, then turning to watch as Nthony lifted himself up out of the chair.
"We should be going," He looked across at them, knowing where this conversation was really heading and not wanting to stay for Ren’s explosive conclusions or whatever else the elf could pull out of that absurd hat it was wearing. Nthony held out a palm for Bird and she grabbed her bag before she took his hand thankfully, allowing him to help her off the chair and stand.
Ren scrutinised their hands with all the energy he had - which was infinite, and then put all his little smirks into one and then smirked massively at the older man. Hasion, now glad to be off the hook spread himself out in the chairs, lounging in a way and enjoying the show.
Nthony dismissed Ren’s impressive half smile, deciding that no time would be wasted on so frivolous a concern, not when a necromancer was currently wrecking unworldly chaos on the world, and tried to step pass the undiscouraged elf blocking his way.
"Haha," Ren grinned, immensely pleased with himself. "It's so obvious that it was really you, pretty boy."
"Oh," Bird shyly let go of Nthony’s escorting hand, her face flushing humiliatingly red even more than previously. Clearly, she had her fantasies.
Nthony however, looked tired. Very tired of the pointless game. He looked nothing close to a boy. "Move," he indicated at Ren.
"Oh, but you must say it." Ren taunted, placing both hands on his hips with elfish smugness. "I mean, out of all the candidates for baby daddy, you’re the only one who has been with her for the past half a year - the timing fits. And not to mention Bird’s been enamoured with you right from the beginning…"
Nthony chucked a questioning glance at the pregnant woman, he himself had not been aware of this fact. Bird stared humiliatingly at Ren for his slip of tongue, the elf’s overconfidence now quite out of control.
"Well," Ren crossed his arms and radiated, "I suppose it was only a matter of time."
Hasion laughed incredulously from the sidelines. Bird, who found herself strangely faint, clutched onto Nthony’s conveniently placed arm, the man tensing from her contact. He didn’t need justification, eyes fixated on Ren as he spoke his truth.
"I am not the father."
But Ren laughed in an annoying manner that was quickly losing its charm. Bird looked away, her other arm wrapped around her unborn child. Nthony turned to her, concern flashing across his gracefully matured face. And that was all it really was, really. Sadly.
"We need to move," Nthony said, ignoring everything else, reading the girl’s expression better than any of the others who occupied the room. Even Hasion, who knew them all.
A piece of furniture moved, shifted, walked. All other gazes switched towards the boy, Hasion’s one of amusement, Nthony’s a grimace and Ren with a confused look in his eyes. But Bird had blanched, unconsciously gripping the convenient arm beside her tighter, but it was only for support as Kael, who had been unresponsive for the whole time so much that he had been forgotten, sauntered towards them, stopping only in front of the elf and leaned in.
"The child is mine." He said faultlessly.
***
FIN
Characters: Bird, Kael, Nthony, Hasion, Ren
Pairings: Bird/Nthony, Bird/Kael, Bird/Hasion, Bird/Ren LOLOLOLOL. Okay not really. Only one.
Notes: CRACK!fic. No plot whatsoever, written on impulse, meant to confuse, intended to make absolutely no sense and just be plain ludicrous. For dragonfireruby ♥.
Summary: Real critical discussion and dialogue on Bird’s belly. Because it's that important.
***
Bird walked into the room, one hand arched against her back as she held her balance, the other on her travel bag, ready to leave for their destination, only to greet her group of companions studying her as if she was some kind of display from a freak show. She had not seen either of them for over half a year - although one she had seen - if not a little too much, but she had expected them to pay a little more attention to her, instead of the size of her stomach.
It was the elf who started it, zooming in on her belly with eyes so focused that any more and Bird would have thought him cross-eyed. The man with orange hair was a bit more subtle, rummaging through his hair with a palm and shaking his head with a wry smile of amusement, and then grinning as if he had just won the lottery. At least the other two had not approached her yet, one still seated in his chair - albeit uncomfortably, his brows heavily furrowed, while the other - although having regarded her with some twisted kind of interest, eventually turned his head and reclined against a pillar, content to be one with the furniture.
With rising embarrassment, Bird tried to shoo the elf away, shielding her waist - or now lack of waist with her bag as Ren leapt back to avoid being smacked.
"Dear sweet Eivinis!" He cried, startled, "Bird, how did you manage to grow so fat?"
The girl rolled her eyes, knowing that even though the elf was not the most enlightened when it came to humans, he knew quite well why a woman’s belly would be rounded while the other parts of her had not.
The grinning man beside Ren sneered. "Obviously she’s been eating the right things," Hasion remarked, throwing himself back into a seat next to Nthony, elbowing the annoyed man in the shoulders. Nthony didn’t rise to the bait.
Bird threw a sympathetic look towards Nthony, and he regarded her with equal sympathy, their exchange immediately caught by the likes of Hasion and Ren, the latter who pounced.
"So," Ren began slowly, but Bird interrupted before he could finish, immediately suspicious from the elf’s lacy tone.
"So," Bird regathered herself with a quick smile, clutching her bag tighter, "It’s time we left."
Hasion crossed his arms. "Oh no we don’t. Not in your condition we’re not. There’s no way I’m going to allow a woman," he dangerously emphasised the term, "Certainly not one as you are, to sail off in wretched weather and then trek across the mountains to reach the dismal, dark fortress of doom and then face off with the wicked, wild and beautiful antagonist of this story while you are…" He suddenly seemed to fumble for words. "Are…" he attempted again but Bird threw one hand up in the air.
"Hasion," she snapped, "I’m pregnant. Not sick. Not dying."
A shadow in the corner twitched only slightly.
"Same thing!" Hasion grumbled, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture the moment he caught Bird’s glare. "Well, it will become the same thing - if you take this journey."
Ren nodded furiously by Hasion’s side, and Bird tilted her head slightly, wondering why she had not recognised the numerous similarities of the two earlier.
"Oh man," Hasion sighed, realising that the girl - woman wasn’t going to be deterred from her plans. "You," he nudged Nthony in the side again, "I’m ashamed of you. Shouldn’t you be trying to talk her out of this?"
Nthony’s eyes narrowed. "Don’t you think I’ve tried?"
"Well obviously not hard enough!" Ren shot in from the side, waving his hands madly while prancing around Nthony who did his best to remain firmly unfocused from the amazing handstands and back flips Ren was performing in front of him.
"Ren," Bird sounded strangely angry, "Stop bothering him."
Ren hesitated before danced back to the woman who was still standing. "I’m sorry," he said, taking her hand and leading her to the chairs, Nthony shifting slightly to make room as she sat down next to him. Bird placed the bag aside while Ren hurriedly went off to fetch a glass of water.
"How long are you?" Hasion leaned in from across Nthony as Bird unconsciously cradled her belly. She shot a look at the man beside her for guidance.
When Nthony gave none, Bird replied, her voice suddenly meek, as if shy. "I’m nearing half a year."
Hasion whistled. "So this is what happens when I haven’t seen you for a long time." He smiled knowingly at Nthony who folded his arms and closed his eyes, the frown permanent on the lines of his face.
"Well," Hasion’s gaze snapped back to Bird, his eyes smiling, "Does it, she or he, kick sometimes?"
"Regularly." It was Nthony who answered, his tone level, turning towards Bird. "And all the more reason for you not to go."
"No. I must," she answered, and catching the look on Hasion’s face, she added hastily, "Unless there is any other person in this room who can channel magic - I will be going."
Nthony merely frowned a little harder. Bird smiled at the both of them, Ren suddenly prancing back into the hall with a glass of water. He handed it to Bird, who thanked him, all the while Ren was exclaiming, "Oh what are you going to name the child? Do you know if it’s a girl or boy?"
Bird nearly laughed.
"I bet you it’s a son," Ren’s eyes gleamed in a suspicious, almost nefarious manner. "I suggest you name him after someone wonderful, someone he could see as a role model to look up to, someone like-"
"Eivinis." The three on chairs answered unspectacularly, their voices dull in synchrony.
"Why yes," Ren smiled prettily.
"No." Nthony said firmly, "I was thinking of another name for the child,"
"And you are so in the position to be naming," Ren commented, and a faint shade of red rose and disappeared as quickly as it had arrived on the man’s face as he turned away.
"And approaching that matter," Ren murmured slyly as to watch Nthony stiffen, smiling at Bird, "You really must tell us, who is the father of your child."
Bird flushed, although she had known that the stupid clichéd question would arise sooner or later. Hasion’s head rose a little, and he leaned a gruff arm on Nthony’s shoulder who otherwise stared ahead and decided to be oblivious on a matter he already had the answer to.
"Well," Ren demanded, "I think us two godfathers to-be have the right to know," he beamed at Hasion, but then raised a delicate eyebrow a little, "Unless one of us is actually the real dad-to-be."
The orange haired man laughed out unbelievingly, "No seriously, that’s too funny. You cannot think that it really was I?"
"No one ever said it was you," Ren suggested idly.
Hasion did not find it amusing. "Well, by elimination it is I." He pointed an accusing finger at the area he suspected was Ren’s private parts. "It is not possible that an elf can conceive with a human, or even... m-m-mate with them."
"And how can you be so sure?" Of all people, this from Nthony.
Hasion became mild, "It is not a topic worth debating right now. I know that I am… well masterful at coming and going rather easily, and that you all believe me to be the kind of character who could just jump through a window, be all dashing, seductive and handsome, do the deed and then simply leave as if I had not been there at all-"
Bird actually snorted, agreeing. Hasion ignored her for the moment, "But it cannot be me. I just got out of prison."
Nthony rubbed his temples, as if that had been a mistake on his behalf.
But Ren continued to grate the ruffled man with clever eyes, just for good measure. "Yes, but we all know you find her pretty!"
Surprisingly, both Bird and Hasion actually turned a little red. Nthony brushed Hasion’s elbow off his shoulder. "Yes, well," Hasion stuttered but then composed himself dashingly, so much that it was admirable, "Maybe so. But then again, I find lots of things good-looking. I find you beautiful," he whispered towards Ren, who then beamed a little more proudly.
"But really," Hasion turned to Bird for rescuing. "Tell Ren that he’s being more stupid than he usually is."
"Tell him yourself. He’s dancing right in front of you."
"No, tell him that it wasn’t me. God, you’re not enjoying this are you?"
Bird laughed a little, feeling as happy as she had ever been and gave Hasion a little smile that spoke of the closest kind of friendship but only that and nothing more. "It isn’t Hasion," she told Ren, and the elf brushed off the reply as if he had known this from the beginning.
"Well obviously," Ren rolled his eyes, then turning to watch as Nthony lifted himself up out of the chair.
"We should be going," He looked across at them, knowing where this conversation was really heading and not wanting to stay for Ren’s explosive conclusions or whatever else the elf could pull out of that absurd hat it was wearing. Nthony held out a palm for Bird and she grabbed her bag before she took his hand thankfully, allowing him to help her off the chair and stand.
Ren scrutinised their hands with all the energy he had - which was infinite, and then put all his little smirks into one and then smirked massively at the older man. Hasion, now glad to be off the hook spread himself out in the chairs, lounging in a way and enjoying the show.
Nthony dismissed Ren’s impressive half smile, deciding that no time would be wasted on so frivolous a concern, not when a necromancer was currently wrecking unworldly chaos on the world, and tried to step pass the undiscouraged elf blocking his way.
"Haha," Ren grinned, immensely pleased with himself. "It's so obvious that it was really you, pretty boy."
"Oh," Bird shyly let go of Nthony’s escorting hand, her face flushing humiliatingly red even more than previously. Clearly, she had her fantasies.
Nthony however, looked tired. Very tired of the pointless game. He looked nothing close to a boy. "Move," he indicated at Ren.
"Oh, but you must say it." Ren taunted, placing both hands on his hips with elfish smugness. "I mean, out of all the candidates for baby daddy, you’re the only one who has been with her for the past half a year - the timing fits. And not to mention Bird’s been enamoured with you right from the beginning…"
Nthony chucked a questioning glance at the pregnant woman, he himself had not been aware of this fact. Bird stared humiliatingly at Ren for his slip of tongue, the elf’s overconfidence now quite out of control.
"Well," Ren crossed his arms and radiated, "I suppose it was only a matter of time."
Hasion laughed incredulously from the sidelines. Bird, who found herself strangely faint, clutched onto Nthony’s conveniently placed arm, the man tensing from her contact. He didn’t need justification, eyes fixated on Ren as he spoke his truth.
"I am not the father."
But Ren laughed in an annoying manner that was quickly losing its charm. Bird looked away, her other arm wrapped around her unborn child. Nthony turned to her, concern flashing across his gracefully matured face. And that was all it really was, really. Sadly.
"We need to move," Nthony said, ignoring everything else, reading the girl’s expression better than any of the others who occupied the room. Even Hasion, who knew them all.
A piece of furniture moved, shifted, walked. All other gazes switched towards the boy, Hasion’s one of amusement, Nthony’s a grimace and Ren with a confused look in his eyes. But Bird had blanched, unconsciously gripping the convenient arm beside her tighter, but it was only for support as Kael, who had been unresponsive for the whole time so much that he had been forgotten, sauntered towards them, stopping only in front of the elf and leaned in.
"The child is mine." He said faultlessly.
***
FIN