(no subject)
ok ok your patience is probably hella short with me right now so i'll get the most important stuff over with and save the tl;dr stuff for the end.
1. i don’t hate you, i never will, and i love you a lot. you’re my best friend.
2. im sorry for the bratty tantrums all over your page, and i probably embarrassed you. or maybe you found it amusing, i dunno, all I know is that it was uncalled for on my part and at the very least I should have noted you or something, and at the most I should have put on my big girl panties and calmed down. i acted like a complete child and in addition made a huge ass of myself in public.
3. i shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions on friday. i saw you had been on da and that was the only evidence i had besides that i knew your phone was turned on. instead of freaking out i should have waited until you were ready to patiently talk to me. i probably would have saved myself a lot of trouble but instead i assumed the worst and it ended up biting me in the ass.
4. i did raid my mom’s medicine cabinet, something i’ll never do again, and it just made me more hysterical. im not trying to blame my behavior on the stuff i took, im just saying that i… really, really wasn’t in my right mind.
5. i would never purposely belittle you or insult you. platonically speaking, i love you more than anyone in the world. i said hurtful things, but again, i didn’t mean them, and i’d like to assume you didn’t mean yours either. i wont be able to take back the words i said, and i feel as if ive deserved every ounce of emotional stress and anxiety ive been feeling the past few days for my hurtful comments i made.
if you’re mad again so far just from reading that, or if i spoke up too soon and didn’t let you cool down or whatever the case may be, then again i’m sorry. i’m not exactly good at apologies but i’m trying my absolute best. i don’t want you to think im totally kissing your ass here and pathetically begging you to take me back like i was on friday, but i thought that maybe it’d help if you understood that i am 100% aware of how stupid and ugly i was towards you.
ok, now to the root of the problem.
i really really wish you had told me instead of concluding that i would freak out (which i did, but for a different reason). i freaked out because i thought you wanted to end our friendship altogether, totally out of the blue, not because you had a problem with me. i LIKE when people tell me if something is bothering them. and i’ve made an attempt to better myself for you in the past, like laying off the whole nagging you for faster posts and stuff or for understanding if you don’t want to rp (and by the way, this has like nothing to do with rp. like at all. rp is and always has been the least of my concerns). sure, we’ve argued before in the past and i understand that you don’t like arguing… i don’t like it either. but sometimes it’s kind of healthy? i mean, it’s nice to know that with an apology and a civil conversation we can better our friendship, so long as the arguments don’t occur on a frequent basis, which they don’t, and i don’t think they ever would. and neither of us are perfect; we’re gonna do stuff that piss each other off, but - for the most part - i think we’re both mature enough to move on from stuff, like our big fight in december of last year.
and i’d like to think that i’m slow, not stupid. well, maybe kind of stupid, but i mean like. i didn’t even know how to tell if a boy was FLIRTING with me until this year. i don’t take “hints” very well no matter how obvious you thought you were being. you kind of have to confront me like, straightup, for me to know that something’s wrong. and i know you don’t like doing that and i’m really sorry, and in the future i’ll make an attempt to be more attentive to your feelings instead of my own, but sometimes i really can’t help that i don’t know what’s going on under the surface.
and i know that i’ve gotten your hints before, and for that i really am stupid for ignoring them. i should have considered your feelings and your desire to avoid arguing, but i didn’t, and went on blissfully unaware that something was wrong. when you would go a while without being online /i/ was always the one to bring it up even if you didn’t want to talk about it, and for that i’m sorry. but i… really, really didn’t want to lose you like i have friends in the past. i was too desperate and too clingy and maybe i really was kind of stupid about all of this.
but at the same time, a lot of the stuff you told me really threw me off. i believed you when you said you sometimes would go a while without signing on because it just never occurred to you. in my mind, that registered as you forgetting about me, not avoiding me. so i pushed harder and harder for you to not forget me and to be online and talk to me, totally unaware that i was making things worse. or a few weeks ago when you said you actually appreciated me sometimes nagging you in rp because you got distracted a lot, so i started pushing for you to reply faster again. i thought i was just helping you out. i had NO IDEA whatsoever that you were avoiding me and hated talking to me, and again i should have been more aware of your feelings, but at the same time i wish you would have said something to me instead of saying “i don’t like confrontation, this is going to ruin my good mood, etc.”
and it was douchey of me to say “i know you hate being compared to raven/nina/jesus but…” because you really can’t be compared to any of my friends in the past. i never ever should have compared you to any of them, because not only are you a totally different person, but the kind of friendship we have is a lot different. and you know? i like our friendship. i liked that i can tell you anything, that i can trust you with anything, that you always listen to my problems or issues no matter how annoying. and i like listening to you, your points of view on things, stuff going on in your life, everything. and even when you told me to stop doing comparing you to people i did it anyway, which was very rude and inconsiderate on my part.
looking back, i also realize some rude things i’ve said and done that at the time i wasn’t aware of. i’m sorry for poking fun at your friends and cracking all the furry jokes, especially since you’ve always been cool with all of my friends. i thought i was being funny and i didn’t know my smartass jokes bothered you but they probably did.
but otherwise, i really do try to be nice. if i ever do anything that pisses you off, god, just tell me. even if i do freak out, at least you’ll have been honest with me and gotten it off your chest. you won’t be in the wrong, i will.
and to be honest, i thought what you did last week was… really cruel. not the things you said, which were totally justified, but the complete avoidance of me. at first i was just kind of bummed that you weren’t online, but after about four days i started to get worried. i thought something had happened to you, i mean, even when you’re grounded you usually make an effort to tell me at some point (which i appreciate a lot, i know i’ve never told you that). and the rest i’ve already told you, when i found out you had been online, why i went totally bugfuck, etc.
was i honestly suicidal? to be honest, i don’t know. i’m not an unhappy person and i really don’t deal well with situations like this. i took a hell of a lot of nyquil, some ativan, and lexapro (which made me tremendously sick oh god lexapro is satan). i had no intentions of overdosing, although i did think about it. but i love life, and to be honest, dying scares the hell out of me. so i called ethan, bawling my eyes out, and he really really helped me calm down and consider the best plan of action. if you’re reading this still and you’re not pissed off, then you really do have him to thank. he talked me out of my total hysteria, and dayna really got me to stop bullshitting around and take responsibility for myself (every few minutes i was begging her to go talk to you, and she eventually told me that i needed to chill out and grow up. i really needed honesty that was a little… less blunt than what you were saying).
and oh god this is getting so tl;dr but i’m putting a lot of thought into it so idk maybe you should go pop some popcorn or make a pot of coffee because i’m still not done.
i am fully aware of how dependent i am on you. i brush a lot of people in life off and take a lot of people for granted, but for some reason, i really attached myself to you and thought we had a hell of a lot in common and i liked that we got along. i look forward to talking with you like, a lot, like for the past year and a half one of the best parts of my day is talking to you. not even rping, just talking. and i think it started to freak you out a little that i was getting so dependent and kind of controlling and i know you’re all too used to people online for some reason latching onto you. idk, dude, you’re cool. people like you. you /listen/ better than probably any friend i’ve ever had.
and my dependent personality is just… kind of the way i am. the childish behavior i can change and the nagging and the bitching, but i’ll always need some kind of foundation in my life to get me through the day, you know? and fff i’m getting so “BAWWW MY CHILDHOOD” here but in my house, without my father my mother would die. it’s /so hard/ when he goes overseas to iraq; my mother will literally just lie in bed for days. when my parents go to parties my mom won’t talk to anyone but my dad. part of this is because of all of the emotional disabilities she has and her paranoia, but i think i’ve picked up a little bit of that behavior (just a little though, i mean i’m a really social person and i love all of my friends but i just really like having one person i can go to for or tell ANYTHING in the world). and idk, maybe because you grew up in a household with a much more independent mom you’re confident in the fact that you don’t need a super uber best friend or boyfriend or husband or whatever in life to be happy.
i just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. i don't want your last memories of me - though i really hope these past few days wont be the last times we ever speak - to be of a "raving bitch" which is what i was on friday. i dont want you to bring me up in conversation as just this controlling psycho girl you made the mistake of being friends with. i dont know when exactly you started hating me, so i dont know how far back i can reach as far as my mistakes go. i mean, it was what, two weeks ago? that you were still asking me about us cosplaying together, or acting sad if my day was just "okay" instead of "good." i really thought you considered me your best friend, and i really wish we still can be, unless i was wrong all along and you don't think that i can ever change or if i freaked you out so bad that you would never consider being friends with me ever again. which i cant exactly blame you for, but i still think that on my part i deserve a chance.
anyway. i'm done with da for good so if by some miracle you actually read all of this, dont reply using da. i have a new aim that i also use as an email - "show your stars"/showyourstars@aim.com if you want to give your side of the story or just talk or whatever. im not saying you have to for sure decide whether or not you still want to be my friend, that's up to you, and you can take as long as you want. if you just want me to leave you alone for a little while or give you some space or just rub myself out of your life forever, then just let me know.
anyway. if you read all of this it means a lot to me. my fingers are totally crossed about all of this and again i hope you can maybe consider my side of things and - hopefully - accept my sincerest apologies for my behavior.
ilu night.
1. i don’t hate you, i never will, and i love you a lot. you’re my best friend.
2. im sorry for the bratty tantrums all over your page, and i probably embarrassed you. or maybe you found it amusing, i dunno, all I know is that it was uncalled for on my part and at the very least I should have noted you or something, and at the most I should have put on my big girl panties and calmed down. i acted like a complete child and in addition made a huge ass of myself in public.
3. i shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions on friday. i saw you had been on da and that was the only evidence i had besides that i knew your phone was turned on. instead of freaking out i should have waited until you were ready to patiently talk to me. i probably would have saved myself a lot of trouble but instead i assumed the worst and it ended up biting me in the ass.
4. i did raid my mom’s medicine cabinet, something i’ll never do again, and it just made me more hysterical. im not trying to blame my behavior on the stuff i took, im just saying that i… really, really wasn’t in my right mind.
5. i would never purposely belittle you or insult you. platonically speaking, i love you more than anyone in the world. i said hurtful things, but again, i didn’t mean them, and i’d like to assume you didn’t mean yours either. i wont be able to take back the words i said, and i feel as if ive deserved every ounce of emotional stress and anxiety ive been feeling the past few days for my hurtful comments i made.
if you’re mad again so far just from reading that, or if i spoke up too soon and didn’t let you cool down or whatever the case may be, then again i’m sorry. i’m not exactly good at apologies but i’m trying my absolute best. i don’t want you to think im totally kissing your ass here and pathetically begging you to take me back like i was on friday, but i thought that maybe it’d help if you understood that i am 100% aware of how stupid and ugly i was towards you.
ok, now to the root of the problem.
i really really wish you had told me instead of concluding that i would freak out (which i did, but for a different reason). i freaked out because i thought you wanted to end our friendship altogether, totally out of the blue, not because you had a problem with me. i LIKE when people tell me if something is bothering them. and i’ve made an attempt to better myself for you in the past, like laying off the whole nagging you for faster posts and stuff or for understanding if you don’t want to rp (and by the way, this has like nothing to do with rp. like at all. rp is and always has been the least of my concerns). sure, we’ve argued before in the past and i understand that you don’t like arguing… i don’t like it either. but sometimes it’s kind of healthy? i mean, it’s nice to know that with an apology and a civil conversation we can better our friendship, so long as the arguments don’t occur on a frequent basis, which they don’t, and i don’t think they ever would. and neither of us are perfect; we’re gonna do stuff that piss each other off, but - for the most part - i think we’re both mature enough to move on from stuff, like our big fight in december of last year.
and i’d like to think that i’m slow, not stupid. well, maybe kind of stupid, but i mean like. i didn’t even know how to tell if a boy was FLIRTING with me until this year. i don’t take “hints” very well no matter how obvious you thought you were being. you kind of have to confront me like, straightup, for me to know that something’s wrong. and i know you don’t like doing that and i’m really sorry, and in the future i’ll make an attempt to be more attentive to your feelings instead of my own, but sometimes i really can’t help that i don’t know what’s going on under the surface.
and i know that i’ve gotten your hints before, and for that i really am stupid for ignoring them. i should have considered your feelings and your desire to avoid arguing, but i didn’t, and went on blissfully unaware that something was wrong. when you would go a while without being online /i/ was always the one to bring it up even if you didn’t want to talk about it, and for that i’m sorry. but i… really, really didn’t want to lose you like i have friends in the past. i was too desperate and too clingy and maybe i really was kind of stupid about all of this.
but at the same time, a lot of the stuff you told me really threw me off. i believed you when you said you sometimes would go a while without signing on because it just never occurred to you. in my mind, that registered as you forgetting about me, not avoiding me. so i pushed harder and harder for you to not forget me and to be online and talk to me, totally unaware that i was making things worse. or a few weeks ago when you said you actually appreciated me sometimes nagging you in rp because you got distracted a lot, so i started pushing for you to reply faster again. i thought i was just helping you out. i had NO IDEA whatsoever that you were avoiding me and hated talking to me, and again i should have been more aware of your feelings, but at the same time i wish you would have said something to me instead of saying “i don’t like confrontation, this is going to ruin my good mood, etc.”
and it was douchey of me to say “i know you hate being compared to raven/nina/jesus but…” because you really can’t be compared to any of my friends in the past. i never ever should have compared you to any of them, because not only are you a totally different person, but the kind of friendship we have is a lot different. and you know? i like our friendship. i liked that i can tell you anything, that i can trust you with anything, that you always listen to my problems or issues no matter how annoying. and i like listening to you, your points of view on things, stuff going on in your life, everything. and even when you told me to stop doing comparing you to people i did it anyway, which was very rude and inconsiderate on my part.
looking back, i also realize some rude things i’ve said and done that at the time i wasn’t aware of. i’m sorry for poking fun at your friends and cracking all the furry jokes, especially since you’ve always been cool with all of my friends. i thought i was being funny and i didn’t know my smartass jokes bothered you but they probably did.
but otherwise, i really do try to be nice. if i ever do anything that pisses you off, god, just tell me. even if i do freak out, at least you’ll have been honest with me and gotten it off your chest. you won’t be in the wrong, i will.
and to be honest, i thought what you did last week was… really cruel. not the things you said, which were totally justified, but the complete avoidance of me. at first i was just kind of bummed that you weren’t online, but after about four days i started to get worried. i thought something had happened to you, i mean, even when you’re grounded you usually make an effort to tell me at some point (which i appreciate a lot, i know i’ve never told you that). and the rest i’ve already told you, when i found out you had been online, why i went totally bugfuck, etc.
was i honestly suicidal? to be honest, i don’t know. i’m not an unhappy person and i really don’t deal well with situations like this. i took a hell of a lot of nyquil, some ativan, and lexapro (which made me tremendously sick oh god lexapro is satan). i had no intentions of overdosing, although i did think about it. but i love life, and to be honest, dying scares the hell out of me. so i called ethan, bawling my eyes out, and he really really helped me calm down and consider the best plan of action. if you’re reading this still and you’re not pissed off, then you really do have him to thank. he talked me out of my total hysteria, and dayna really got me to stop bullshitting around and take responsibility for myself (every few minutes i was begging her to go talk to you, and she eventually told me that i needed to chill out and grow up. i really needed honesty that was a little… less blunt than what you were saying).
and oh god this is getting so tl;dr but i’m putting a lot of thought into it so idk maybe you should go pop some popcorn or make a pot of coffee because i’m still not done.
i am fully aware of how dependent i am on you. i brush a lot of people in life off and take a lot of people for granted, but for some reason, i really attached myself to you and thought we had a hell of a lot in common and i liked that we got along. i look forward to talking with you like, a lot, like for the past year and a half one of the best parts of my day is talking to you. not even rping, just talking. and i think it started to freak you out a little that i was getting so dependent and kind of controlling and i know you’re all too used to people online for some reason latching onto you. idk, dude, you’re cool. people like you. you /listen/ better than probably any friend i’ve ever had.
and my dependent personality is just… kind of the way i am. the childish behavior i can change and the nagging and the bitching, but i’ll always need some kind of foundation in my life to get me through the day, you know? and fff i’m getting so “BAWWW MY CHILDHOOD” here but in my house, without my father my mother would die. it’s /so hard/ when he goes overseas to iraq; my mother will literally just lie in bed for days. when my parents go to parties my mom won’t talk to anyone but my dad. part of this is because of all of the emotional disabilities she has and her paranoia, but i think i’ve picked up a little bit of that behavior (just a little though, i mean i’m a really social person and i love all of my friends but i just really like having one person i can go to for or tell ANYTHING in the world). and idk, maybe because you grew up in a household with a much more independent mom you’re confident in the fact that you don’t need a super uber best friend or boyfriend or husband or whatever in life to be happy.
i just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. i don't want your last memories of me - though i really hope these past few days wont be the last times we ever speak - to be of a "raving bitch" which is what i was on friday. i dont want you to bring me up in conversation as just this controlling psycho girl you made the mistake of being friends with. i dont know when exactly you started hating me, so i dont know how far back i can reach as far as my mistakes go. i mean, it was what, two weeks ago? that you were still asking me about us cosplaying together, or acting sad if my day was just "okay" instead of "good." i really thought you considered me your best friend, and i really wish we still can be, unless i was wrong all along and you don't think that i can ever change or if i freaked you out so bad that you would never consider being friends with me ever again. which i cant exactly blame you for, but i still think that on my part i deserve a chance.
anyway. i'm done with da for good so if by some miracle you actually read all of this, dont reply using da. i have a new aim that i also use as an email - "show your stars"/showyourstars@aim.com if you want to give your side of the story or just talk or whatever. im not saying you have to for sure decide whether or not you still want to be my friend, that's up to you, and you can take as long as you want. if you just want me to leave you alone for a little while or give you some space or just rub myself out of your life forever, then just let me know.
anyway. if you read all of this it means a lot to me. my fingers are totally crossed about all of this and again i hope you can maybe consider my side of things and - hopefully - accept my sincerest apologies for my behavior.
ilu night.