Back to Me...
sooooooo...
vermont for the summer. no theatre. cutting my hair?? :-D
also... i think lots of trips. i kinda forgot how happy LIVING makes me. also... well, yeah... people. people make me very happy. (im very appropriately listening to "the arrival gate" right now :-D "gonna go out to the arrivals gate at the airport and sit there all day. watch people reuniting, public affection so exciting it even makes airports okay")
seriously... lets take a look at this past year.
2008 --
in january/february i broke up with a boyfriend because he put an end date to us... i was something capable of having an expiration date... just because i was moving... the emphasis in our relationship to him was not Me, but Convenience in location.
in march i moved. exciting... very exciting. i had new possibilities and an amazing friend who was doing it right there with me... and i really mean RIGHT there with me... we lived together, looked for jobs together, hung out together, prepared for theatre life together, Found a job and trained/worked pretty much all shifts together, went out in the evenings together... we were two halves of a whole.
then i found love. three months of it. i was blissfully happy. so happy in fact that i worried... nobody should be this happy. best friend, boyfriend, exciting nyc opportunities... granted, the nyc experience was put on the back burner because the people experience ALWAYS comes first. anyway... the thrill and excitement that came from putting my all into these people ended in a short few months.
I got a new job and that exciting boyfriend, and suddenly the roommate and i were no longer two halves to a whole... we were separating... and replacing the excitement of us with the excitement of others... my other though was part of her others too... so it was still ok... we were still connected.
then the boyfriend left. he decided he needed to be selfish. that was the exact reason he gave, verbatim. ok. that hurt a lot. but its ok... its always ok... romance is not necessary in caring for someone. but he stopped caring too. i dont know how. he went from love to nothing. and with him went my connection to the roommate. even when i tried to fix things... because i realize that she didnt just leave me like he had, we drifted and i was actually the one who initiated that drifting, and if she wanted to remain friends with him, then it shouldnt effect us... she had no interest. i believe that hurting people is inevitable... a part of life. but real love and caring comes from when people try to fix that hurt theyve caused. she did not want to accept my attempts and had no interest in fixing that hurt she caused. suddenly i was caring for two people who had no use for me.
the ex-boyfriend from vermont (the one who marked me with the expiration date) moved to nyc... saying he had realized how much he did love me... and wanting me back. the expiration had been taken off of me... but pressure was added. i couldnt be romantic with him. i was so hurt in every way. but as i said before, romance is not necessary in caring for someone, so i tried to stop caring for the two that hurt me and start caring again for the one that wanted to make up for hurting me. but he made romance a necessity in his mind. he couldnt care about me without it... or at least he couldnt be around me without it. he probably never stopped caring. nor did i. because im stubborn as shit :-) and when i decide i care about you... it takes a lot to get out of that. but he moved back to vermont and gave up on friendship for the present.
i was sunk. but these people had left me in order to focus on what They needed and wanted. so obviously it was what i needed to do. Selfishness... the key to making it in nyc. i focused on physical desires and got boys who paid attention to me without needing much more. i focused on fun and found myself out with new friends, but none that would need me for more than a fun night out. i focused on my career and got a tour and my equity membership. selfish works here. the tour just recently ended and it all went SO well. i stopped desiring only attention from boys and they either disappeared or transformed into friends. fun continues... but i desire more. i miss that happiness. that dangerous happiness that requires a second party.
So i went home for a couple weeks... and decided that the couple weeks should become a few months. enough time to figure out where i need to be in order to find the balance between selfish and the need for other good people... while of course soaking in all the love from my real great friendships there :-)
So vermont for the summer was the decision. that way i can also be there for one of my all time best friends while she needs me most, and make money that is necessary to get me physically to the location i decide might be the right location for balance.
after making that decision, i got a call from yet another person i care deeply for with a last minute invitation to go to south carolina for his basic training graduation. gee, an opportunity to spend two day focusing on the achievements of someone i think is absolutely remarkable? i was on a bus the next day. and i did get to spend that two days beaming with pride and love and respect... which was amplified by getting to share it with his family who were equally proud and loving and beaming :-) and then to top it all off, his mom decided that she really liked me and, since id be in vermont for the summer, was pretty much going to adopt me as a replacement for her golden child while he's off in the army. Now granted, im pretty sure she thinks that him and i are in a serious romantic relationship, and she's a mom, very much like my own mom that i love but can drive me crazy... so i thought 'maybe this isnt such a good thing'... but after spending more time with her that weekend i realized -- at at the very bottom of everything, we share a great love and admiration for that one person and have bonded over that simple fact.. and honestly, its never a bad thing to have one more person that really cares about you. and it was hard not to be touched when she got so excited about getting to have Dobra dates again for the first time since he left, and then insisted she would help find me a job, and then sent me off with a $20 just so id have a little extra, and then called to make sure i got home ok :-) oh man... two mothers... and im not even married. hahaha
So, needless to say im really looking forward to my time in vermont... with emma and erik and my family and apparently wil's as well, OH! AND WIL for a little bit when he finishes this next training and gets his 10 day leave...
but yeah... god i love being able to have give and take in relationships!!! these are all good people who love me as much as i love them :-)
now... im not saying i dont have ANY of it here in nyc. Erica... i will miss you a stupid amount. i wish i could take you with me everywhere... cause i never seem to get to see you and yet you are the only one here in nyc that keeps me sane. rocco too... he's become a great friend. BUT i still have a little time for the nyc peeps before i head back to vt... and then who knows what will happen after october 3rd... maybe i CAN find a balance here in the big selfish apple. if i could just take some of those vt people back to the city with me... even the friend side out more to the selfish side... thatd be PERFECT... hmm... maybe thats something i can work on :-p
love love love
~me face~
vermont for the summer. no theatre. cutting my hair?? :-D
also... i think lots of trips. i kinda forgot how happy LIVING makes me. also... well, yeah... people. people make me very happy. (im very appropriately listening to "the arrival gate" right now :-D "gonna go out to the arrivals gate at the airport and sit there all day. watch people reuniting, public affection so exciting it even makes airports okay")
seriously... lets take a look at this past year.
2008 --
in january/february i broke up with a boyfriend because he put an end date to us... i was something capable of having an expiration date... just because i was moving... the emphasis in our relationship to him was not Me, but Convenience in location.
in march i moved. exciting... very exciting. i had new possibilities and an amazing friend who was doing it right there with me... and i really mean RIGHT there with me... we lived together, looked for jobs together, hung out together, prepared for theatre life together, Found a job and trained/worked pretty much all shifts together, went out in the evenings together... we were two halves of a whole.
then i found love. three months of it. i was blissfully happy. so happy in fact that i worried... nobody should be this happy. best friend, boyfriend, exciting nyc opportunities... granted, the nyc experience was put on the back burner because the people experience ALWAYS comes first. anyway... the thrill and excitement that came from putting my all into these people ended in a short few months.
I got a new job and that exciting boyfriend, and suddenly the roommate and i were no longer two halves to a whole... we were separating... and replacing the excitement of us with the excitement of others... my other though was part of her others too... so it was still ok... we were still connected.
then the boyfriend left. he decided he needed to be selfish. that was the exact reason he gave, verbatim. ok. that hurt a lot. but its ok... its always ok... romance is not necessary in caring for someone. but he stopped caring too. i dont know how. he went from love to nothing. and with him went my connection to the roommate. even when i tried to fix things... because i realize that she didnt just leave me like he had, we drifted and i was actually the one who initiated that drifting, and if she wanted to remain friends with him, then it shouldnt effect us... she had no interest. i believe that hurting people is inevitable... a part of life. but real love and caring comes from when people try to fix that hurt theyve caused. she did not want to accept my attempts and had no interest in fixing that hurt she caused. suddenly i was caring for two people who had no use for me.
the ex-boyfriend from vermont (the one who marked me with the expiration date) moved to nyc... saying he had realized how much he did love me... and wanting me back. the expiration had been taken off of me... but pressure was added. i couldnt be romantic with him. i was so hurt in every way. but as i said before, romance is not necessary in caring for someone, so i tried to stop caring for the two that hurt me and start caring again for the one that wanted to make up for hurting me. but he made romance a necessity in his mind. he couldnt care about me without it... or at least he couldnt be around me without it. he probably never stopped caring. nor did i. because im stubborn as shit :-) and when i decide i care about you... it takes a lot to get out of that. but he moved back to vermont and gave up on friendship for the present.
i was sunk. but these people had left me in order to focus on what They needed and wanted. so obviously it was what i needed to do. Selfishness... the key to making it in nyc. i focused on physical desires and got boys who paid attention to me without needing much more. i focused on fun and found myself out with new friends, but none that would need me for more than a fun night out. i focused on my career and got a tour and my equity membership. selfish works here. the tour just recently ended and it all went SO well. i stopped desiring only attention from boys and they either disappeared or transformed into friends. fun continues... but i desire more. i miss that happiness. that dangerous happiness that requires a second party.
So i went home for a couple weeks... and decided that the couple weeks should become a few months. enough time to figure out where i need to be in order to find the balance between selfish and the need for other good people... while of course soaking in all the love from my real great friendships there :-)
So vermont for the summer was the decision. that way i can also be there for one of my all time best friends while she needs me most, and make money that is necessary to get me physically to the location i decide might be the right location for balance.
after making that decision, i got a call from yet another person i care deeply for with a last minute invitation to go to south carolina for his basic training graduation. gee, an opportunity to spend two day focusing on the achievements of someone i think is absolutely remarkable? i was on a bus the next day. and i did get to spend that two days beaming with pride and love and respect... which was amplified by getting to share it with his family who were equally proud and loving and beaming :-) and then to top it all off, his mom decided that she really liked me and, since id be in vermont for the summer, was pretty much going to adopt me as a replacement for her golden child while he's off in the army. Now granted, im pretty sure she thinks that him and i are in a serious romantic relationship, and she's a mom, very much like my own mom that i love but can drive me crazy... so i thought 'maybe this isnt such a good thing'... but after spending more time with her that weekend i realized -- at at the very bottom of everything, we share a great love and admiration for that one person and have bonded over that simple fact.. and honestly, its never a bad thing to have one more person that really cares about you. and it was hard not to be touched when she got so excited about getting to have Dobra dates again for the first time since he left, and then insisted she would help find me a job, and then sent me off with a $20 just so id have a little extra, and then called to make sure i got home ok :-) oh man... two mothers... and im not even married. hahaha
So, needless to say im really looking forward to my time in vermont... with emma and erik and my family and apparently wil's as well, OH! AND WIL for a little bit when he finishes this next training and gets his 10 day leave...
but yeah... god i love being able to have give and take in relationships!!! these are all good people who love me as much as i love them :-)
now... im not saying i dont have ANY of it here in nyc. Erica... i will miss you a stupid amount. i wish i could take you with me everywhere... cause i never seem to get to see you and yet you are the only one here in nyc that keeps me sane. rocco too... he's become a great friend. BUT i still have a little time for the nyc peeps before i head back to vt... and then who knows what will happen after october 3rd... maybe i CAN find a balance here in the big selfish apple. if i could just take some of those vt people back to the city with me... even the friend side out more to the selfish side... thatd be PERFECT... hmm... maybe thats something i can work on :-p
love love love
~me face~