Shyness and the Disappointment of an Empty Vodka Bottle.
The evenings are alright. Any regret I might feel for the day is barely noticeable lately and I've got a kind chair that rolls gracefully on these hardwood floors--as I glide to and from my bedside stand to retrieve my bottle of Absolut Vanilia vodka. Loneliness and and the basic feelings of bored-ness and irritation that come from living under the same roof of overbearing parents tend to ease up with the taste of vanilla-flavored ethanol. Any self-consciousness and dismay about oneself melts under the influence and I smile easily. I wish I knew how to hold onto that feeling throughout the day without having to consume any drinkable C2H6O first. Why is it so difficult to break out of this little box? Most of the time when I step out in public, any animation, good humor, and vivaciousness that I naturally have--alone or with close friends and family--disappears. It is for this reason I rarely get laid and an intimate relationship has never lasted more than a month or two at a time. When it comes to experiences in such matter, I am barely a high school kid.
The other day I went to a sandwich shop by myself for dinner. I walked toward the front doors when a car pulled up and some guy in a hoodie jumped out of the passenger side of the car and began rambling behind me. It took a minute to realize he was actually speaking to me, in run-on sentences--
--hey girl you pretty sexy girl you got a man you is hot girl you got a man? you got a man?--
--I shook my head and went inside. The almost-incoherent-speaking guy followed me inside with--
--you got a man? you got a man? you is sexy girl you got a man?--
--and at times like these I get irritated with myself because by now my mind has gone blank with surprise and I couldn't think of anything to say, even a simple "yes, I do" or "no, but I have a girlfriend" would have been awesome. Instead I just stared. Then I turned back to the menu on the wall to decide what to get. I had a horrifying thought that he would actually order some food and join me, but as I walked up to the counter to place my order, the door behind me opened and closed twice and soon he was gone and an elderly couple was standing behind me, looking at the menu with comically perplexed faces.
I sat and ate my sandwich, wondering what the fuck is so difficult about constructing a normal sentence under surprising situations. I left the sandwich shop with heartburn.
If this entry is off and choppy and filled with grammatical errors, I'll go ahead and offer you an early apology and I can conveniently blame it on my beloved Absolut Vanilia and the 4 neon-pink benedryls I took earlier.
The other day I went to a sandwich shop by myself for dinner. I walked toward the front doors when a car pulled up and some guy in a hoodie jumped out of the passenger side of the car and began rambling behind me. It took a minute to realize he was actually speaking to me, in run-on sentences--
--hey girl you pretty sexy girl you got a man you is hot girl you got a man? you got a man?--
--I shook my head and went inside. The almost-incoherent-speaking guy followed me inside with--
--you got a man? you got a man? you is sexy girl you got a man?--
--and at times like these I get irritated with myself because by now my mind has gone blank with surprise and I couldn't think of anything to say, even a simple "yes, I do" or "no, but I have a girlfriend" would have been awesome. Instead I just stared. Then I turned back to the menu on the wall to decide what to get. I had a horrifying thought that he would actually order some food and join me, but as I walked up to the counter to place my order, the door behind me opened and closed twice and soon he was gone and an elderly couple was standing behind me, looking at the menu with comically perplexed faces.
I sat and ate my sandwich, wondering what the fuck is so difficult about constructing a normal sentence under surprising situations. I left the sandwich shop with heartburn.
If this entry is off and choppy and filled with grammatical errors, I'll go ahead and offer you an early apology and I can conveniently blame it on my beloved Absolut Vanilia and the 4 neon-pink benedryls I took earlier.