Another day.
I'm tired.
Don't you know I'm tired? Tired of the way things have been, the way I am, how I treat people.
Only a few days ago I bawled my eyes out when an old friend decided not to be my friend anymore for her own delusional reasons. I wasn't really crying for her, or even losing her as a friend--for in my mind I stopped trying to be her friend the past few years due to personality clashes and whatnot. But rather, I wept for what I could see myself becoming 10-20-30 years from now: an old unmarried spinster, a witch with no friends who all the kids and their parents on the block feared. I do not wish to be mean or insensitive, but 2-3 years (especially this past year) of next to no human contact--besides my parents and occasionally my brothers and their families--has turned me into someone I don't like. I'm unfamiliar with closeness and trust, certainly I've not been anyone that is worthy of anybody else's trust--I've misbehaved quite a bit the past year or two...
a lot of it from unhappiness and losing touch of reality. I've forgotten empathy. I've become impersonal and I dislike that very much.
I actually made an attempt to meet a boy recently, the WORST so-called internet date I've ever been on. I used to meet people--guys, mostly--from the internet all the time. It's the way for social-phobes to get laid, don't you agree? I had so much fun doing this when I was in arizona and even for a while after I came back to texas, I don't recall having a bad semi-blind date from the interwebs, but this one from a few weeks ago will be the LAST time I do that. I think I'd rather just be lonely than meet up with other desperados I have nothing in common, (and who don't quite look like their photo...)
But that new low point the other evening woke me up, opened my eyes. Now I will actively undo the wrong I've done in my life, to myself, to others. I'm still on Lexapro, kept thinking it was the magic pill but obviously there is no such thing. Sure it helps but I haven't actively tried to face my fears: being in large crowds (aka parties), meeting new people outside of the internet, taking risks (doing things outside of the everyday routine, outside of the comfort zone), and especially: making commitments.
There is so much more to add, so much. But there's nothing else for me to add on here till my next blog in a few days from now: when I have photos to post.
Dear readers, I apologize my blogging has become so dull, but that's only because my life is dull, too. But I aim to improve, to make my everyday life more entertaining.
xoxo
Don't you know I'm tired? Tired of the way things have been, the way I am, how I treat people.
Only a few days ago I bawled my eyes out when an old friend decided not to be my friend anymore for her own delusional reasons. I wasn't really crying for her, or even losing her as a friend--for in my mind I stopped trying to be her friend the past few years due to personality clashes and whatnot. But rather, I wept for what I could see myself becoming 10-20-30 years from now: an old unmarried spinster, a witch with no friends who all the kids and their parents on the block feared. I do not wish to be mean or insensitive, but 2-3 years (especially this past year) of next to no human contact--besides my parents and occasionally my brothers and their families--has turned me into someone I don't like. I'm unfamiliar with closeness and trust, certainly I've not been anyone that is worthy of anybody else's trust--I've misbehaved quite a bit the past year or two...
a lot of it from unhappiness and losing touch of reality. I've forgotten empathy. I've become impersonal and I dislike that very much.
I actually made an attempt to meet a boy recently, the WORST so-called internet date I've ever been on. I used to meet people--guys, mostly--from the internet all the time. It's the way for social-phobes to get laid, don't you agree? I had so much fun doing this when I was in arizona and even for a while after I came back to texas, I don't recall having a bad semi-blind date from the interwebs, but this one from a few weeks ago will be the LAST time I do that. I think I'd rather just be lonely than meet up with other desperados I have nothing in common, (and who don't quite look like their photo...)
But that new low point the other evening woke me up, opened my eyes. Now I will actively undo the wrong I've done in my life, to myself, to others. I'm still on Lexapro, kept thinking it was the magic pill but obviously there is no such thing. Sure it helps but I haven't actively tried to face my fears: being in large crowds (aka parties), meeting new people outside of the internet, taking risks (doing things outside of the everyday routine, outside of the comfort zone), and especially: making commitments.
There is so much more to add, so much. But there's nothing else for me to add on here till my next blog in a few days from now: when I have photos to post.
Dear readers, I apologize my blogging has become so dull, but that's only because my life is dull, too. But I aim to improve, to make my everyday life more entertaining.
xoxo