i know i'm a bit late for soul-searching
i am in a lost state. i am reading amy tan's the opposite of fate. i'm not very far in it but already i've broken down while reading. the book is striking a sensitive chord right now because she talks of the amazing experiences she had when she was much younger. it is no friggin' wonder she turned out to be a writer, all the weird coincidences and events that went on in her life, not to mention her weird mother.
i wrote in my hand-bounded journal next to my bed: why do i not carry spirals or journals with me everywhere i go now, like i did when i was 19? i suppose it is due to high emotion, excitement, drugs, passion, the realization that i was an actual person, a one, an individual, my life is in my own hands...a troubled preteen usually does not realize that, i think. even older ones have trouble understanding it.
why am i writing all this? well, as i said i feel lost. empty. i told myself each year that i would do things, accomplish thing that would make it worthy and worthwhile to celebrate my birthday at the end of the year. to be deserving of a celebration of the day i was born. but it hasn't been so, yet.
i may seem like i'm being to harsh on myself, and maybe i am, but i feel this fire in me, i want to make a difference in the world, have a good influence in people's lives and in my own.
and it's true that i want to be beautiful. it was a huge mistake cutting my hair but i'm alright with it because it'll be as long as i want it to be in about 2-3 years from now if i don't color/bleach it and if i keep up with trimming off split ends twice a year.
of course i'm not just talking about physical beauty in general. i'm saying that with long hair, toned muscle, and knee-length fitted skirts with high heels will up my self-confidence.
and it's inner beauty. i am who i truely am when i'm alone, i am cool like dat, but when i'm with someone else whom i do not know much (and sometimes even with people i DO know) i turn into someone i don't like. when will i have the guts and the willpower to be who i want to be? i think it resides in accomplishment, achieved goals, the will to become independent (not only from boys but in general), to be one's own and to do what one is born to do, and not work at some crappy job like WALMART.
i will not turn back to antidepressants again. i take st. john's wort and sam-E along with some other vitamins but that's it.
i think i know what to do, but then i don't know what to do.
do you?
anyway. this is what i was doing today:
i have never made an elaborate kanzashi, like the ones geisha and maiko wear, mostly because i have no idea how you put them together since i don't own any and have no books on it. but i've seen some photos, most of them just show the front, but there are a few that show the back and thus i think i can sort of figure out how to do it. so far i'm going kind of slow because my mind has been occupied. however, the flower i made are HIDEOUS. i can't get over how BAD they look. maybe i'm out of synce or something. out of practice for this particular petal shape. but nevertheless, i will put them all together. i have no intentions of selling this particular one, of course, it is just practice.
i hadn't done the free-flowing, dangly part of the kanzashi yet, but i will soon:
my work table at the moment:
future fabric that will be put to work soon:
know what else i did today? i went to half-priced books and sold so much more of my books and nearly all of my magazines. i got a whopping $61. i know half-priced has made a lot of money off of me, this was my fourth-fifth trip up there the past few months. i know i sold at least about $1000 worth of books for maybe $200, MAYBE:
HOLY COW my bookshelves look so EMPTY. but it's cool, very cool.
if anyone has any advice about the turminoil that is going on in my head about life, work, dreams, happiness, PLEASE feel free to send me messages!
i wrote in my hand-bounded journal next to my bed: why do i not carry spirals or journals with me everywhere i go now, like i did when i was 19? i suppose it is due to high emotion, excitement, drugs, passion, the realization that i was an actual person, a one, an individual, my life is in my own hands...a troubled preteen usually does not realize that, i think. even older ones have trouble understanding it.
why am i writing all this? well, as i said i feel lost. empty. i told myself each year that i would do things, accomplish thing that would make it worthy and worthwhile to celebrate my birthday at the end of the year. to be deserving of a celebration of the day i was born. but it hasn't been so, yet.
i may seem like i'm being to harsh on myself, and maybe i am, but i feel this fire in me, i want to make a difference in the world, have a good influence in people's lives and in my own.
and it's true that i want to be beautiful. it was a huge mistake cutting my hair but i'm alright with it because it'll be as long as i want it to be in about 2-3 years from now if i don't color/bleach it and if i keep up with trimming off split ends twice a year.
of course i'm not just talking about physical beauty in general. i'm saying that with long hair, toned muscle, and knee-length fitted skirts with high heels will up my self-confidence.
and it's inner beauty. i am who i truely am when i'm alone, i am cool like dat, but when i'm with someone else whom i do not know much (and sometimes even with people i DO know) i turn into someone i don't like. when will i have the guts and the willpower to be who i want to be? i think it resides in accomplishment, achieved goals, the will to become independent (not only from boys but in general), to be one's own and to do what one is born to do, and not work at some crappy job like WALMART.
i will not turn back to antidepressants again. i take st. john's wort and sam-E along with some other vitamins but that's it.
i think i know what to do, but then i don't know what to do.
do you?
anyway. this is what i was doing today:
i have never made an elaborate kanzashi, like the ones geisha and maiko wear, mostly because i have no idea how you put them together since i don't own any and have no books on it. but i've seen some photos, most of them just show the front, but there are a few that show the back and thus i think i can sort of figure out how to do it. so far i'm going kind of slow because my mind has been occupied. however, the flower i made are HIDEOUS. i can't get over how BAD they look. maybe i'm out of synce or something. out of practice for this particular petal shape. but nevertheless, i will put them all together. i have no intentions of selling this particular one, of course, it is just practice.
i hadn't done the free-flowing, dangly part of the kanzashi yet, but i will soon:
my work table at the moment:
future fabric that will be put to work soon:
know what else i did today? i went to half-priced books and sold so much more of my books and nearly all of my magazines. i got a whopping $61. i know half-priced has made a lot of money off of me, this was my fourth-fifth trip up there the past few months. i know i sold at least about $1000 worth of books for maybe $200, MAYBE:
HOLY COW my bookshelves look so EMPTY. but it's cool, very cool.
if anyone has any advice about the turminoil that is going on in my head about life, work, dreams, happiness, PLEASE feel free to send me messages!