(no subject)
I'm so glad February is over. Alex told me a few weeks ago that February was a bad month and I just laughed. Fuck, it's been a terrible month. I can count on one hand how many times I've been sober. I can count on 10 hands how many bad things have happened this month. I'm not talking "I've had a bad day." terrible things. I'm talking "Why haven't I slit my wrists yet?" terrible things. I've never reached a point in my life where I needed to know who my real friends are, but right now I need to know who my real friends are. I know I'll never find out, but who the fuck are my friends these days. At least 90% of the people that I call my friends are people that I met through Ryan, and how should I know if they are my real friends. I guess I'll never know. Whatever.
Ryan's funeral was on Wednesday. What a fucking terrible day. Ryan's real family, which consisted of the Gaston's and the Kichler's took up 1 1/2 rows. It was like a fucking white trash reunion. They never once mentioned Ashley or Kevin. The slideshow was pictures of Ryan until he was 6 months old and then the past year. It was such a ducking joke. I don't care if Ashley and Kevin were his foster parents, they were his real parents. Who potty trained him? Ashley and Kevin. Who taught him how to talk? Ashley and Kevin. Who woke up and stayed with him in the middle of the night when he was scared? Ashley and Kevin. The Gastons and Kichlers, we were his family. We loved that little blonde haired blue eyed angel so much that it hurt. I can't belive he's gone.
Whenever I looked at Ashley and Kevin, I always thought, "That's the love I want to have someday." They're divorced as of 2-3 months ago. It's because they lost Ryan. We lost Ryan. We lost him twice. Kevin's dad kept saying that at the funeral. We all thought it, but he said it. We lost him twice. When we found out Ashley and Kevin couldn't adopt Ryan, our whole family fell apart. I can't imagine what Ashley and Kevin felt. I keep think about the "What if"s in my head. I can't keep doing this. It's just makes it worse. I'm so angry and hurt and sad. How could such a sweet little boy die becuase his parent's cared more about their drugs than their gas bill? Why does this happen to anyone? Why did it have to happen to our family? Why did it have to hit so close to home?
Ryan's funeral was on Wednesday. What a fucking terrible day. Ryan's real family, which consisted of the Gaston's and the Kichler's took up 1 1/2 rows. It was like a fucking white trash reunion. They never once mentioned Ashley or Kevin. The slideshow was pictures of Ryan until he was 6 months old and then the past year. It was such a ducking joke. I don't care if Ashley and Kevin were his foster parents, they were his real parents. Who potty trained him? Ashley and Kevin. Who taught him how to talk? Ashley and Kevin. Who woke up and stayed with him in the middle of the night when he was scared? Ashley and Kevin. The Gastons and Kichlers, we were his family. We loved that little blonde haired blue eyed angel so much that it hurt. I can't belive he's gone.
Whenever I looked at Ashley and Kevin, I always thought, "That's the love I want to have someday." They're divorced as of 2-3 months ago. It's because they lost Ryan. We lost Ryan. We lost him twice. Kevin's dad kept saying that at the funeral. We all thought it, but he said it. We lost him twice. When we found out Ashley and Kevin couldn't adopt Ryan, our whole family fell apart. I can't imagine what Ashley and Kevin felt. I keep think about the "What if"s in my head. I can't keep doing this. It's just makes it worse. I'm so angry and hurt and sad. How could such a sweet little boy die becuase his parent's cared more about their drugs than their gas bill? Why does this happen to anyone? Why did it have to happen to our family? Why did it have to hit so close to home?