(no subject)
That is a picture my my Grandmother and I. She's one of the most amazing women I know, I strive to be more like her all the time.
Over the last weekend, we had a birthday celebration for her mother, my Nana, one of the other most amazing women I know. She turned 85...and you'd never know it from how she acts! Spending time with this side of my family, and also the coming out of a movie, has gotten me to thinking a lot about family, and what exactly mine means to me. Before I get into all of that, I guess I should give some background information....
I have a...complicated to say the least...family. I have 7 siblings, 4 fathers, 2 mothers, and a few childhood pets mixed in.
When I was 12 years old I found out some shocking news. The man who signed my birth certificate, the man who I had known as my father for all of my life, had nothing to do with the actual making of me. As it turned out, I had a sperm donor...and he came with 6 siblings and a step mother. My other siblings knew I was out there, and actually, because my Mom was good friends with their mother, my two oldest siblings and I had known each other since I was a baby.
My mom got pregnant with me when she was 25. She had fallen in love with a good friend of hers, and after he and his wife split up they had a fling. She got knocked up, he went a little nutty and decided he didn't want anything to do with us, and that was that. Later, I'm not really sure how much later, but my Mom is on LJ so I'm sure she'll see this and fill in the blanks, she started dating the man who eventually signed my birth certificate. He couldn't have kids of his own, and was madly in love with my mom, and so we became a family. She was with him until I was 2, and they split up. Mom moved from Illinois, back to Pennsylvania, and my Dad stayed behind. He also stayed in my life. I'm very honored that he did that. In my mind, it wasn't something he had to do, and really, no one in their right mind would have blamed him for not being around. But he was, he came and visited me often, and would take me with him to Illinois to spend time there. So, my entire life, I've had this family with whom I share a last name, and no blood. But again, until I was 12 I had no idea. For years, I felt so close to them, but then when I found out about the fact that they weren't my biological family, I felt a wedge. It sucked, and it still sucks. I've grown closer to them again in the last few years, but nothing was really the same for me after I found out.
When I was sixteen, having known about this whole other family for 4 years I decided it was time to start getting to know them. I started with my older sister, who I had really known my entire life. She's an amazing person. She has her faults, as do we all, but she is a very good big sister, and she is always there for me. I love her to death. She made me an Aunt for the first time when I was 16 and she had my oldest niece, Katie. Then about 2 years later she had Skylar, my second oldest niece. We've had our fall outs, for instance, she sort of lost her shit when I started dating a married man at 18, and cut me off, as did the rest of the family. I had a hard time with all of this, because that is not the way I was raised. Obviously my parents were not happy about my actions, but in no way shape or form did they ever make me feel like it they stopped loving me over it. Where as my biological family did. The family that I shared my last name with, were disappointed, and wanted nothing to do with my boyfriend, but neither did they shun me. They wanted to be there for me, and help me get out of the situation.
Eventually I did, because, ya know, they never really leave their wives and all that, plus I was 18, it was not meant to last forever. It took a while, but I built my relationships back up with my biological family. By then I had started to realize what a piece of shit my biological father was, but I didn't want to lose my siblings. My birth certificate father was the oldest of 10 kids, and he taught me that you are there for your siblings, no matter what. It has been a good, and hard lesson to learn. When I was 19 I had a miscarriage and then eventually moved in with my older brother (one of the two siblings I had known for years before I knew we were related) and my younger sister (who is actually my step sister, but when you are raised in a family like this, you stop making that distinction). We had hard times, I was still dealing with the loss of the baby, and found it harder to be thrown into this family that I thought I was close with, but still felt like I was on the outside of. I went through a lot of hard times when I was there, and now that I look back on it, I thank them in my heart all of the time for their patience with me, cause I know I drove them bat shit crazy. We all split up, I want to say less than a year later, and went our separate ways. I moved in to my first place on my own, and after a few months I tried to kill myself. My step mom, a mobile therapist, and my little sister came to get me, and took me to the hospital. This is when I truly fell in love with my sister. She is so quiet and non confrontational, actually she's the exact opposite of me. But, when I wanted a warm blanket, and the nurse wasn't fast enough, she became like a mama bear. I thought she was willing to knock that nurse out if she didn't get me a blanket RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, I was very upset that my attempt to end my life had failed, and it took me a long time to realize the significance of that night.
After that, I moved to Illinois again, and was with a horrible man who didn't help anything in my life really. I decided to hide all the bad from my family. All of my families. No one knew how horrible it was for me, not until 3 years later when I came home. And again, there they were, to support me, and help me through it all. And yet, still, I felt as if I was not a part of them. And last year, when Mike and I split, they were there again...and yet, still, I feel separate. Still now, I feel separate. I don't know how my feeling so out of place affects them, I haven't asked. But I know exactly how it has affected me. In times when I really need them, not just during break ups when I need a place to stay, but when I need them emotionally, I have refused to have them there for me. For instance, the jerk I was with in Illinois had some serious heart problems. He had a quintuple bypass at 30, and then at 37 (when we were together) he had a triple. This was very scary for me, because I was only 22, and usually 22 year old's don't have to worry about the fact that their boyfriend could die. I called my older brother, who I have always had a strained relationship with (but that's for another post) and told him how alone I felt. He offered to come and be with me, and I turned him down.
Then 2 years later, my birth certificate Daddy, died. Very suddenly (another post...) and I called my brother and begged him to come to the funeral, because I needed him. A few hours later, I called him again and told him not to come. He argued with me, and I told him if he came to the funeral I wouldn't speak to him ever again. And so...even though I have 7 siblings, only one was there, the one I was raised with my entire life (he is yet another post...). It is one of my largest regrets right now. I needed my siblings there, I needed people to help me through it, and to stand up for me against my Dad's family, who railroaded me when I knew what my dad would have wanted. (yeah...another post.).
So, like I said, the other day, I was thinking about how my Step-Dad's family and I are pretty close, and while I wasn't born into that family either, I have never felt different around them. I feel like I am part of that family, they love me, I love them, end of story. So why is that so hard for me to find with my biological family? According to my older brother, it's because I have forced myself to be not a part of them, I have put myself outside. He thinks all I need to do is say "I'm part of this family, end of story" to myself. I don't think it is that easy. My little sister's soon to be ex husband (who has been in the family longer than I have been) says it is a lack of exposure, that in the last 5 years our family has been so separated and fucked up that I haven't been exposed enough to them to feel the familiarity that I do with my step-dad's family. He says it's not my fault.
I'm wondering, if it is though. I keep putting myself a part...but I don't mean to. I have huge abandonment issues, I have a lot of issues with the fact that my biological father had so many children, many of them step-children, not his own blood (not that it really matters) and yet he didn't want me. How is someone suppose to deal with that. And now, with my Daddy dead, it is even harder for me, because they didn't know him. I feel so...different from them.
Any thoughts?