(no subject)
alexander: promise me you'll hold me extra close tonight
me: i promise
alexander: promise me something else..
me: ok...
alexander: promise me that sometime today you will look at yourself in the mirror and say with conviction: "alexander thinks im the most beautiful person on this earth" and dont question it, dont doubt it, just know that its true
me: [thinking to myself how so blessed i am -- best boyfriend hands down!] i promise.
i find that every little obstacle thrown into my face flourishes through alexander into something so much more beautiful. my mom and i talked yesterday and she told me that she was sorry that it appeared that she was bringing me down and holding me back as it referred to things with alexander and i. she said she was glad that i had a person like him in my life... even jealous -- buit she didnt approve of how sneaky we could tend to be. i agreed. and we hugged, after a display of gallons of tears in the interior of her 2001 ford explorer. i knew everything was ok when we watched our thursday treats (survivor!, CSI, and ER) together. sometimes we just go through shit... but its almost always a misunderstanding that can quickly be cleared up.
i have plans with kaleigh for this weekend, but im not doubting that they'll fall through. i have to work saturday morning, then babysit saturday evening. the bustle for holiday money has been occupying my mind -- thankfully.
normally in december i reach this depression that consumes all of me. mostly because the twenty-first of december would be seth's nineteenth birthday. i always like to think what it owuld be like if he were still alive. i wonder if he would be in my life? as big a part as he was when he was alive. i wonder if we wouldve been friends... i wonder if we would have still dated... i wonder what hed think about alexander.
honestly, i feel like i have something so much better now than i ever couldve had with seth. but i also give seth the honor of influencing my decision to be straight edge... though i know he wouldve disapproved and mocked me.
sorry seth, the alcohol doesnt do it for me.
regardless, i still miss him and the fun we did have, masked behind the incredible weeks of pain that proceeded them. i miss hanging out with mike and seth. i havent talked to mike in forever, and i wonder if he remembers whats coming up. actually... i know he does. i dont know.
i hate talking about this. it reminds me too much of the ugliness i used to own and how stupid i was... i'll never EVER forgive seth michael ashton for killing himself the october of my eighth grade year. i'll never forgive him for encouraging me to grow up too fast. i'lll never forgive him for abandoning me.
but i do...
and always...
think about you.
in other news:
me: i promise
alexander: promise me something else..
me: ok...
alexander: promise me that sometime today you will look at yourself in the mirror and say with conviction: "alexander thinks im the most beautiful person on this earth" and dont question it, dont doubt it, just know that its true
me: [thinking to myself how so blessed i am -- best boyfriend hands down!] i promise.
i find that every little obstacle thrown into my face flourishes through alexander into something so much more beautiful. my mom and i talked yesterday and she told me that she was sorry that it appeared that she was bringing me down and holding me back as it referred to things with alexander and i. she said she was glad that i had a person like him in my life... even jealous -- buit she didnt approve of how sneaky we could tend to be. i agreed. and we hugged, after a display of gallons of tears in the interior of her 2001 ford explorer. i knew everything was ok when we watched our thursday treats (survivor!, CSI, and ER) together. sometimes we just go through shit... but its almost always a misunderstanding that can quickly be cleared up.
i have plans with kaleigh for this weekend, but im not doubting that they'll fall through. i have to work saturday morning, then babysit saturday evening. the bustle for holiday money has been occupying my mind -- thankfully.
normally in december i reach this depression that consumes all of me. mostly because the twenty-first of december would be seth's nineteenth birthday. i always like to think what it owuld be like if he were still alive. i wonder if he would be in my life? as big a part as he was when he was alive. i wonder if we wouldve been friends... i wonder if we would have still dated... i wonder what hed think about alexander.
honestly, i feel like i have something so much better now than i ever couldve had with seth. but i also give seth the honor of influencing my decision to be straight edge... though i know he wouldve disapproved and mocked me.
sorry seth, the alcohol doesnt do it for me.
regardless, i still miss him and the fun we did have, masked behind the incredible weeks of pain that proceeded them. i miss hanging out with mike and seth. i havent talked to mike in forever, and i wonder if he remembers whats coming up. actually... i know he does. i dont know.
i hate talking about this. it reminds me too much of the ugliness i used to own and how stupid i was... i'll never EVER forgive seth michael ashton for killing himself the october of my eighth grade year. i'll never forgive him for encouraging me to grow up too fast. i'lll never forgive him for abandoning me.
but i do...
and always...
think about you.
in other news: