Morrissey must die
For the first time in a while I have thought practical. Contemplating where I'll be in the next couple of months. I really don't have the first clue. I feel like I can only really focus on one thing. And it's either bass or GED test. I choose the bass. I like to say that I haven't given up on my test, but I have. I gave up on it the last time when I drove home crying because I knew I had bombed it. Well, I really want to move out and start this other life. I just don't see it happening. It's not frustrating, it's just disappointing. I don't want to work more hours. I don't even care about the job at all anymore. I just want to know it's there in case I really do need the money. And I do. Even though I'm in a good relationship and generally happy, I am still circling the drain. He just erases all of my worries when he's around me. They are still there. I don't know where I'm going to be. I know it won't be in an apartment. I know that's just not something that's going to happen for a while. Sadly. I don't have much motivation to change it. I feel like I have some sort of time limit. I'm just 20. Seems appropriate that I am unsure. It's just that I don't work. I don't want to work. I live at home. I have a $165 remaining balance on my Victoria's Secret card from when I bought stuff I don't even wear. It was just the thrill of being able to get a credit card and it was back during the holidays when it was fun to work there. Yet every day felt so empty. Working there really does make me unhappy and feel void. That's how it goes, though.
I just want to have adult things. An apartment. Really that's it. Just the advantage to spend time with Alex alone. Coming and going with no questions. I just have the mind of a kid or perhaps an adult suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. And that's all it is. I'm just unwilling to move and make things happen right now. Even though I want them to. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to get old. All I want to do is make music, do drugs, and die. Young. I don't want to live to watch myself sag. I don't want to feel the life slowly running out. I'm just scared this music thing won't work out and/or I won't be a good bassist. I really have no clue what it's going to take to motivate me. I want to work at a place like Journey's. Or really just have a GED and work with Tina. Or have a goddamn GED and learn how to bartend when I turn 21. I'll probably do that. Get a job at Formaggio's and be able to fuck myself up as much as I want. I just know how I want my life to be and it's just not there and doesn't seem like it will be there.
We just don't get what we want.
I just want to have adult things. An apartment. Really that's it. Just the advantage to spend time with Alex alone. Coming and going with no questions. I just have the mind of a kid or perhaps an adult suffering from Peter Pan syndrome. And that's all it is. I'm just unwilling to move and make things happen right now. Even though I want them to. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to get old. All I want to do is make music, do drugs, and die. Young. I don't want to live to watch myself sag. I don't want to feel the life slowly running out. I'm just scared this music thing won't work out and/or I won't be a good bassist. I really have no clue what it's going to take to motivate me. I want to work at a place like Journey's. Or really just have a GED and work with Tina. Or have a goddamn GED and learn how to bartend when I turn 21. I'll probably do that. Get a job at Formaggio's and be able to fuck myself up as much as I want. I just know how I want my life to be and it's just not there and doesn't seem like it will be there.
We just don't get what we want.