dancemagicdance
I've been freaking out a bit lately.
I'm about to graduate. I don't trust anyone in the theatre department to have my back. I'm pretty sure that my former teachers are laughing at me, and I'm very afraid to approach them. What's worse is that I don't even think I can pretend to love theatre as much as someone with a degree in it is supposed to. Shakespeare and Co. really broke me, and since then I just haven't loved theatre anymore. I haven't pursued it, and when I think about it, it's more like something I want to do because I should, not because I love it. So am I earning a double useless degree? probably.
I can't live with max like this anymore. it's driving me fucking insane. I can't pick up after two people, but it's far too trivial to leave the love of my life over something as silly as laundry. But max is really a different breed. Sometimes I really think he has a cognitive problem with spatial awareness. sometimes i think he's in his head so much that he can't even notice what I'm seeing as a problem. maybe it's both, but what I know for sure is that it's a daily struggle. It's really more than mess. it's about my damaged possessions, expensive things lost, things my mom and grandparents made me that are completely destroyed.......everything i own in some way has been damaged by his.....i don't even know what to call it. i can't fix it, and i can't live with it.
i'm still choosing happiness every day. I still have wonderful things worth celebrating. i'm still very, very, very, very much in love. but I feel so empty. I allowed theatre to be my identity, and now that i don't want it, i need some way to feel less ordinary, and to experience the same sort of rich joy i used to get onstage. the loneliness and the sadness are just creeping faster, now that many of my friends are graduating and leaving. My parents, and all of their crap is just plain silly at this point, yet a strong reminder of what not to turn into. I guess i'm just really stuck, and could use a friend.
I'm about to graduate. I don't trust anyone in the theatre department to have my back. I'm pretty sure that my former teachers are laughing at me, and I'm very afraid to approach them. What's worse is that I don't even think I can pretend to love theatre as much as someone with a degree in it is supposed to. Shakespeare and Co. really broke me, and since then I just haven't loved theatre anymore. I haven't pursued it, and when I think about it, it's more like something I want to do because I should, not because I love it. So am I earning a double useless degree? probably.
I can't live with max like this anymore. it's driving me fucking insane. I can't pick up after two people, but it's far too trivial to leave the love of my life over something as silly as laundry. But max is really a different breed. Sometimes I really think he has a cognitive problem with spatial awareness. sometimes i think he's in his head so much that he can't even notice what I'm seeing as a problem. maybe it's both, but what I know for sure is that it's a daily struggle. It's really more than mess. it's about my damaged possessions, expensive things lost, things my mom and grandparents made me that are completely destroyed.......everything i own in some way has been damaged by his.....i don't even know what to call it. i can't fix it, and i can't live with it.
i'm still choosing happiness every day. I still have wonderful things worth celebrating. i'm still very, very, very, very much in love. but I feel so empty. I allowed theatre to be my identity, and now that i don't want it, i need some way to feel less ordinary, and to experience the same sort of rich joy i used to get onstage. the loneliness and the sadness are just creeping faster, now that many of my friends are graduating and leaving. My parents, and all of their crap is just plain silly at this point, yet a strong reminder of what not to turn into. I guess i'm just really stuck, and could use a friend.