(no subject)
i read stuff i wrote long ago, before i was married, before i was mom, back in the diaryland days (you know what i'm talking about, karin)...
and i want to punch myself in the face.
not because of what i wrote... not at all.
but because i feel like i've boxed and compartmentalized myself into who i should be now and lost so much of my own essence.
and yes, i've grown up and matured as would and should naturally happen. but WHO am i? seriously.
i cannot believe how much i have changed. and so much of that change is for the better.
but i realize that in all things i have slowly been building walls to avoid feeling. and i lost my joy.
i'm happy enough. content no doubt.
but i don't allow myself to feel enough and therefore i miss out. i cover all things with quick wit and sarcasm. i suppress. i withhold.
i had to write my husband the most humbling letter i will (hopefully) ever write a few weeks ago to let him know that even he had not escaped the walls.
there are things i can't say to anybody. but they are still things i need to say.
i don't know... i think i need another outlet.
and i want to punch myself in the face.
not because of what i wrote... not at all.
but because i feel like i've boxed and compartmentalized myself into who i should be now and lost so much of my own essence.
and yes, i've grown up and matured as would and should naturally happen. but WHO am i? seriously.
i cannot believe how much i have changed. and so much of that change is for the better.
but i realize that in all things i have slowly been building walls to avoid feeling. and i lost my joy.
i'm happy enough. content no doubt.
but i don't allow myself to feel enough and therefore i miss out. i cover all things with quick wit and sarcasm. i suppress. i withhold.
i had to write my husband the most humbling letter i will (hopefully) ever write a few weeks ago to let him know that even he had not escaped the walls.
there are things i can't say to anybody. but they are still things i need to say.
i don't know... i think i need another outlet.