Tired ...
I know, I know, it's a miracle if anyone even reads this at this point. After being nonexistent for months, I write a few posts and disappear into relative obscurity, to reappear now with very little to say, it would be amazing if a single solitary soul even acknowledge my existence. But, I am here, anyway!
Lately Jason and I have spent a lot of time worrying about Jason. How is his health? Does his pancreas hurt? How is he healing from his gallbladder surgery? Has he lost weight? How is his ankle? Has he found a job? Has he applied for unemployment?
Friends, family, passers-by, all have concerns about Jason ... And all of them know what's best for him, of course. Should he be doing that? Is it okay for him to get up and around? Should he eat that? Are you doing enough for him?
What can I say? I work an average of 10 hours per day at my job in an attempt to make up for his missing salary ( a feeble attempt to be sure ). I do more than 90% of the cooking. I clean. I do yard work. I rub his ankle. I do laundry. I manage our finances and am responsible for paying the bills. Am I doing enough?
Probably not - you know how it is when you are an unsympathetic bitch who feels neglected and used. Well, you probably don't know. I can't say that any of you could be called unsympathetic. But I am - I feel a bit of guilt for it, but I can't stop it. I feel so used, so tired. I keep running and running. My back hurts. My hip hurts. I'm exhausted ... and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.
I try to explain that we have no money, but the money keeps being spent. Our debt is swallowing us whole, but I am the only one who cares. I go to work early and I work late, but I am still needed to rake leaves, cook dinner and do laundry once I get home. The basement is a mess, the house is a mess ... and all he can do is SCREAM about his ankle / foot. It hurts has become his new mantra and I am left feeling disgusted. I know, what a bitch I am. Like I said, I just can't help it.
I feel so selfish when I think about all of the things that have been put on hold or completely canceled because of all this.
It might be different if I had people to talk to about all of this, but I just don't. I can't say anything to my mother because she automatically starts saying I should leave him without even listening to me. Co-workers are out of the question as our relationships are pretty much jocular in nature and this sort of heavy talk would not be received well. My personal friends were all Jason's friends first and think amazingly highly of him. I don't feel close enough to them to say anything, besides I very rarely talk to them. And my only two friends no longer speak to me ( One is a sweet little gay boy who is into partying and drinking, which I don't do anymore. The other was my friend for 8 years, but Jason was uncomfortable with our relationship, so I stopped contacting him. )
So, I guess I'm back where I started - feeling invisible and tired.
I'm sorry for dumping my troubles on all of you. You don't deserve it and I'm sorry. For that matter, I will more than likely make this completely private before anyone really reads it, but it's here for now.
Lately Jason and I have spent a lot of time worrying about Jason. How is his health? Does his pancreas hurt? How is he healing from his gallbladder surgery? Has he lost weight? How is his ankle? Has he found a job? Has he applied for unemployment?
Friends, family, passers-by, all have concerns about Jason ... And all of them know what's best for him, of course. Should he be doing that? Is it okay for him to get up and around? Should he eat that? Are you doing enough for him?
What can I say? I work an average of 10 hours per day at my job in an attempt to make up for his missing salary ( a feeble attempt to be sure ). I do more than 90% of the cooking. I clean. I do yard work. I rub his ankle. I do laundry. I manage our finances and am responsible for paying the bills. Am I doing enough?
Probably not - you know how it is when you are an unsympathetic bitch who feels neglected and used. Well, you probably don't know. I can't say that any of you could be called unsympathetic. But I am - I feel a bit of guilt for it, but I can't stop it. I feel so used, so tired. I keep running and running. My back hurts. My hip hurts. I'm exhausted ... and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.
I try to explain that we have no money, but the money keeps being spent. Our debt is swallowing us whole, but I am the only one who cares. I go to work early and I work late, but I am still needed to rake leaves, cook dinner and do laundry once I get home. The basement is a mess, the house is a mess ... and all he can do is SCREAM about his ankle / foot. It hurts has become his new mantra and I am left feeling disgusted. I know, what a bitch I am. Like I said, I just can't help it.
I feel so selfish when I think about all of the things that have been put on hold or completely canceled because of all this.
It might be different if I had people to talk to about all of this, but I just don't. I can't say anything to my mother because she automatically starts saying I should leave him without even listening to me. Co-workers are out of the question as our relationships are pretty much jocular in nature and this sort of heavy talk would not be received well. My personal friends were all Jason's friends first and think amazingly highly of him. I don't feel close enough to them to say anything, besides I very rarely talk to them. And my only two friends no longer speak to me ( One is a sweet little gay boy who is into partying and drinking, which I don't do anymore. The other was my friend for 8 years, but Jason was uncomfortable with our relationship, so I stopped contacting him. )
So, I guess I'm back where I started - feeling invisible and tired.
I'm sorry for dumping my troubles on all of you. You don't deserve it and I'm sorry. For that matter, I will more than likely make this completely private before anyone really reads it, but it's here for now.