Random
There is this little know bit of information about me that, should I share it, could change the way most people think about the person I am. You see, I am not exactly an idiot and really am far more interesting than people think. Shhh. Don't share this with the world as I'm not quite sure it is ready to hear this news.
Not that those on the Earth couldn't handle this information, individually, at the right time, but humans can be quite reactionary and I would hate to be responsible for the possible effect of such news.
There are many things I can use to illustrate my non-idiot status. There is my ability to make a delicious double-layer lemon/coconut cake from scratch or my insanely mad skills at changing two children's diapers in a relatively short amount of time as they flail about on the changing table screaming and kicking. There is my ability to remember most words to a song after only hearing it a time or two (especially if I *like* the song) and my phenomenal ability to balance our checking account while Jason, two girls, a spotted JimmieCat and a mini-dachshund run, bite, scream, kick and annoy everyone in the room, including each other!
These things, in and of themselves, probably seem quite mundane to the average urban explorer or rural dreamer, but I assure you that in this setting, with this much sleep, all are absolutely amazing feats of intellectual acumen. Try it - be me for a day. Please -- I'm offering!
No takers, eh? Well, then let me tell you about recent events in the life of one Mrs. Hollie.
I took the girls to the pediatrician last week. The three of us glided into the waiting room to the oohs and ahhs of all the other patients (and their mothers). The girls were sleepy and made no fuss as we filled out the sign in sheet and found a place to sit where the double-tandem stroller, baby bag and I would not be in the way. Numerous adults and children came to see them, as if they were the future empresses of New China or a circus side show. We were called back to the examining room, where we were told how strong, how beautiful, how pleasant the girls were. The doctor, after making his obligatory comment on their cuteness, determined that it was time to start immunizations. He then went into a bit of a lecture on how I should hire someone, a local teenager or someone of that ilk, to come in and watch the children in the evenings so that I could make a nice dinner for my husband and, perhaps, complete some of my domestic duties.
I nodded my head as he told me these things, but internally I smirked. "Christ," I thought. "He thinks I'm a stay at home mommy." I started to interrupt, attempting to make a joke about cooking, or cleaning or anything domestic, but decided against it. I mean, in this setting, this was what he thought I was, this is what I should be and it is so much easier to just let him believe.
This got me thinking about my philosophy in general. It really is easiest to comply. I have often tried to put my foot down, to make a stand on certain things, but I always give in if the opposition is strong enough ... and it doesn't take much to be stronger than my will any more.
Of course, I can't always cow-down to every one's whims. At work, it is a completely different story. I have fought tooth and nail for things that I truly believe should be fought for.
So, why is there this double standard? Why do I feel the need to fight at work, yet acquiesce at home? Is it because I have the power of my job title and my reputation behind me at work? Is it because I fear that people in my personal life will think less of me if I don't give them what they want? Is it because the people at work only know what I am based on what I have chosen to show them and the people at home know me far more intimately? Who knows? I can firmly say that I don't. I only know that, in the end, I am the one begging for love at home and begging for hate at work. I am the one cleaning up after the ills of my family while dictating who will clean up the ills of my workplace. Would it be better the other way around? Should it be better the other way around?
My husband has set up a webcam at work so that I, amongst others, can peak in on him and his lunch date and work buddy, Ben, from time to time.
The way the camera is set up reminds me of looking in the small window in the door of the padded rooms at a nut house or the crevice in the door of a solitarily confined inmate's cell. It is positioned up high in the room, possibly in the corner, looking down upon them. The two of them chit-chat, work and generally exist with the eyes of possibly anybody on them at any time. Ben picks his nose and Jason his ass in front of possibly hundreds, though I doubt that many are watching or even know about the cam.
I thought the whole thing silly at first (and still do, sort of), although it has come in handy to see if he has left to come home yet in the evening or to watch his reactions to the pranks I pull via Remote Desktop from time to time.
So, this afternoon I called to speak to Jason after taking the girls for our mile-walk in Macken Park on this sweltering afternoon. (91 degrees and on black pavement. YUCK!) Wasn't I surprised when Ben answered Jason's cell phone. He informed me that Jason wasn't in the office, took a message, then asked shyly if I was watching him on the camera at that moment. I told him that I was not. He actually sounded a bit disappointed that I wasn't! Ah, panopticism backfires -- or does it? Whose to say that some small part of all those inmates in Bentham's panopticon weren't secretly, perhaps subconsciously, relishing the fact that their every move could possibly be monitored at any time? And maybe that's one of the reason's such a system works so well?
Lately I've been having stupid fantasies about opening a small coffee / pastry shop as I'm making my decadent desert of the week each Monday. This week it was an amazingly ugly double layer strawberry refrigerator cake with Hollie-made strawberry puree filling and my special whipped icing topping. It was a newly modified recipe and I wasn't sure how it would go over with Jason's family who was slated to come over and enjoy it with us, so I had also made Hollie's Famous Peach-Cherry Double-Crust Pie. Both turned out tasting very good and were enjoyed by all.
But back to my silly dreams. I've had two recurring fantasies about future endeavors at which I would be fairly happy earning money, but realize that neither of them is really ever going to be in my future due to lack of the necessary talent and funds to leave my current job and pursue something so very unsteady. The first, as mentioned above, is to open a coffee /pastry shop where I would whip up fanciful deserts, pastries and other select delicacies to the delight of my numerous patrons. The other is to open a photography studio where I would take meaningful and beautiful portraits that not only capture the image but the soul of all who partake of my talents.
What silly dreams we have as children. They grow even more ludicrous as adults!
I guess that's really all for now - more than enough, I'd fair to wager. I hope this entry finds all who read it as happy as I am in my life. (Take that as you will!) For all my bitching, I know that I'm supposed to feel blessed.
Ciao,
~H
Not that those on the Earth couldn't handle this information, individually, at the right time, but humans can be quite reactionary and I would hate to be responsible for the possible effect of such news.
There are many things I can use to illustrate my non-idiot status. There is my ability to make a delicious double-layer lemon/coconut cake from scratch or my insanely mad skills at changing two children's diapers in a relatively short amount of time as they flail about on the changing table screaming and kicking. There is my ability to remember most words to a song after only hearing it a time or two (especially if I *like* the song) and my phenomenal ability to balance our checking account while Jason, two girls, a spotted JimmieCat and a mini-dachshund run, bite, scream, kick and annoy everyone in the room, including each other!
These things, in and of themselves, probably seem quite mundane to the average urban explorer or rural dreamer, but I assure you that in this setting, with this much sleep, all are absolutely amazing feats of intellectual acumen. Try it - be me for a day. Please -- I'm offering!
No takers, eh? Well, then let me tell you about recent events in the life of one Mrs. Hollie.
I took the girls to the pediatrician last week. The three of us glided into the waiting room to the oohs and ahhs of all the other patients (and their mothers). The girls were sleepy and made no fuss as we filled out the sign in sheet and found a place to sit where the double-tandem stroller, baby bag and I would not be in the way. Numerous adults and children came to see them, as if they were the future empresses of New China or a circus side show. We were called back to the examining room, where we were told how strong, how beautiful, how pleasant the girls were. The doctor, after making his obligatory comment on their cuteness, determined that it was time to start immunizations. He then went into a bit of a lecture on how I should hire someone, a local teenager or someone of that ilk, to come in and watch the children in the evenings so that I could make a nice dinner for my husband and, perhaps, complete some of my domestic duties.
I nodded my head as he told me these things, but internally I smirked. "Christ," I thought. "He thinks I'm a stay at home mommy." I started to interrupt, attempting to make a joke about cooking, or cleaning or anything domestic, but decided against it. I mean, in this setting, this was what he thought I was, this is what I should be and it is so much easier to just let him believe.
This got me thinking about my philosophy in general. It really is easiest to comply. I have often tried to put my foot down, to make a stand on certain things, but I always give in if the opposition is strong enough ... and it doesn't take much to be stronger than my will any more.
Of course, I can't always cow-down to every one's whims. At work, it is a completely different story. I have fought tooth and nail for things that I truly believe should be fought for.
So, why is there this double standard? Why do I feel the need to fight at work, yet acquiesce at home? Is it because I have the power of my job title and my reputation behind me at work? Is it because I fear that people in my personal life will think less of me if I don't give them what they want? Is it because the people at work only know what I am based on what I have chosen to show them and the people at home know me far more intimately? Who knows? I can firmly say that I don't. I only know that, in the end, I am the one begging for love at home and begging for hate at work. I am the one cleaning up after the ills of my family while dictating who will clean up the ills of my workplace. Would it be better the other way around? Should it be better the other way around?
My husband has set up a webcam at work so that I, amongst others, can peak in on him and his lunch date and work buddy, Ben, from time to time.
The way the camera is set up reminds me of looking in the small window in the door of the padded rooms at a nut house or the crevice in the door of a solitarily confined inmate's cell. It is positioned up high in the room, possibly in the corner, looking down upon them. The two of them chit-chat, work and generally exist with the eyes of possibly anybody on them at any time. Ben picks his nose and Jason his ass in front of possibly hundreds, though I doubt that many are watching or even know about the cam.
I thought the whole thing silly at first (and still do, sort of), although it has come in handy to see if he has left to come home yet in the evening or to watch his reactions to the pranks I pull via Remote Desktop from time to time.
So, this afternoon I called to speak to Jason after taking the girls for our mile-walk in Macken Park on this sweltering afternoon. (91 degrees and on black pavement. YUCK!) Wasn't I surprised when Ben answered Jason's cell phone. He informed me that Jason wasn't in the office, took a message, then asked shyly if I was watching him on the camera at that moment. I told him that I was not. He actually sounded a bit disappointed that I wasn't! Ah, panopticism backfires -- or does it? Whose to say that some small part of all those inmates in Bentham's panopticon weren't secretly, perhaps subconsciously, relishing the fact that their every move could possibly be monitored at any time? And maybe that's one of the reason's such a system works so well?
Lately I've been having stupid fantasies about opening a small coffee / pastry shop as I'm making my decadent desert of the week each Monday. This week it was an amazingly ugly double layer strawberry refrigerator cake with Hollie-made strawberry puree filling and my special whipped icing topping. It was a newly modified recipe and I wasn't sure how it would go over with Jason's family who was slated to come over and enjoy it with us, so I had also made Hollie's Famous Peach-Cherry Double-Crust Pie. Both turned out tasting very good and were enjoyed by all.
But back to my silly dreams. I've had two recurring fantasies about future endeavors at which I would be fairly happy earning money, but realize that neither of them is really ever going to be in my future due to lack of the necessary talent and funds to leave my current job and pursue something so very unsteady. The first, as mentioned above, is to open a coffee /pastry shop where I would whip up fanciful deserts, pastries and other select delicacies to the delight of my numerous patrons. The other is to open a photography studio where I would take meaningful and beautiful portraits that not only capture the image but the soul of all who partake of my talents.
What silly dreams we have as children. They grow even more ludicrous as adults!
I guess that's really all for now - more than enough, I'd fair to wager. I hope this entry finds all who read it as happy as I am in my life. (Take that as you will!) For all my bitching, I know that I'm supposed to feel blessed.
Ciao,
~H