One Hundred Essays on the Creative Process (statement of intent, post #001 - critique + emotion)
"One Hundred Essays on the Creative Process" is just a really pretentious way of saying, "I'm going to write a bunch of posts about my attempts to become a better writer." If there's one thing I write about all the time, it's, well, writing. (And me, and myself.) And sometimes the best way to work out a dilemma is to talk about it. I run into
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for some people being critiqued (or being wrong) is no big deal
I really don't think that's true of most people, actually, and I sure as heck don't want it to ever become true of me! :) I know that sounds strange to say. Getting critique is hard, and I am old enough and experienced enough to know better. I've also been on the editorial side and know that it's not meant personally and that reasons more pragmatic than the quality of a piece go into deciding what gets accepted and what doesn't. I remember once, for example, getting two stories about vegetarians-turned-cannibal right around the same time for a creative journal I was editing for. And both were pretty good stories! I would have liked to have accepted both, but they were so similar that it wasn't possible. So someone got a rejection slip for a story that, had she sent it in a year later, would have no doubt been accepted.
The feelings that come with critique or rejection aren't fun, but I also think they come about because I'm so tightly invested in my work. In a lot of ways, my work is an extension of me: It comes from ideas and experiences that have been important in my life. So, yes, it does feel like a critique of me, like someone is saying that that experience isn't powerful enough to make good fiction or just that I don't have the skill to put it into words in such a way to make it powerful. I don't think that will ever be an easy thing to hear. I don't want to become so de-invested in my writing that it becomes an easy thing to hear.
I think what does help/has helped me is to realize that I will not please every reader and there will be some readers who will say, "This story does not work," when it is just not a story to work for that reader. I was part of the Critters workshop for a while and sent a few short pieces through that and came to realize that about 10% of my readers just didn't "get" my stories. Of course, one could argue that, were I more skilled, I could drop that number even lower, but I do think a lot just has to do with stylistic/artistic preference, and there ain't much I can do about that. :) So if the other 90% were mostly thinking the story was sound, I learned I just had to count that 10% a loss.
Okay, now I really need to work on that paper ... D:
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This is probably tied up somewhat in my perception of myself, but: it isn't hard to find authors who will say they collect rejection slips like badges of honor (and keep them in a special place, consider them something to be proud of, etc.), and that they just consider it part of their process, and do not let it depress them. While I don't quite believe it - too hard for me to imagine, because rejection bothers me so much - I wonder if maybe it's actually true sometimes. Do years of experience and submissions/publications make it easier to bear up under rejection? Years of critique? It has never gotten easier for me; I just learned how to handle it better. What you say makes sense. What I feel, usually, is that those other people have indeed gotten over their baser writerly instincts and are therefore better than I am.
It's silly. It sounds sillier when I say it out loud. Also, I can't really expect every writer to talk about the gritty, depressive things about this profession, but I wish they would. Tell me getting rejected feels like a punch in the gut! Even after twenty years of writing professionally! Really, please. That is so much more helpful to me than optimistic advice. I feel less like a failure that way.
Which means a thank-you is in order, by the way, for telling me that.
I don't want to become so de-invested in my writing that it becomes an easy thing to hear.
I wonder about that sometimes with my own work. I compared critique to being wrong because I get super defensive (internally) even when someone criticizes a story or idea I'm not that attached to. Compared to the way I latch onto fan fiction projects, I'm not very invested in my original work at all, and critique still makes my teeth grind sometimes. It IS ten times worse when it's a story I really love and have worked on forever... but that's a rare thing for me right now. Once it was every story. Now it's only one or two. Maybe I'm living what you fear, only critique still sucks. :/
I want to believe there's such a thing as a perspective that allows a person to accept critique and use it without all of this emotional baggage, because then I might be able to attain that state of mind someday. But maybe it's just not possible.
It feels like I'm being too honest in this comment. Uhhh. I hope I am not coming off like a horrible person. :p
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Three-quarters done! \0/ Hence, I'm back. ;)
It has never gotten easier for me; I just learned how to handle it better.
I'd say that's true of me as well, as in I'm more self-aware and make decisions accordingly. When I think of my early days in Tolkien fandom (which followed a two-year stint where I "quit writing"--that clearly didn't work! :D) and how I flung something very raw and still very personal to me out to the public, not knowing what kind of response I would receive ... well, I was terrified at the time, but I also doubt I would take that kind of chance now. At the time, I think I just needed to say something and see what happened and if I should continue trying to be a non-writer or if it was worth giving in and going back to it. (I doubt I could have stayed a non-writer forever but maybe the wrong kind of feedback could have given me a few more years of it.) Of course, I fling stuff all the time out to the Tolkien community now, but I know it to be a safe space for me. About my o-fic, I am much more particular. I have to be distanced enough from it that I can hear that it sucks without falling to pieces. That doesn't mean that it doesn't sting, but it's not something I'd lose sleep over. But that self-awareness has taken many years and many critiques (with varying reactions) to develop.
I definitely think there is a tendency for writers to want to seem Above All That when it comes to really and truly feeling the sting that comes from criticism or rejection. I know I impersonated that, especially when I was still in school (I was a writing minor) and shortly thereafter because being able to "take criticism" was, of course, a mark of maturity and professionalism as a writer. I've since decided that I don't want to be Above All That; I don't want to detach emotionally from my stories because I feel that the more emotionally invested I am in writing one, the better my work. That's not to say that your elusive "that allows a person to accept critique and use it without all of this emotional baggage" doesn't exist and can't be an amazing writer; I think I've just more or less accepted that I won't be and don't really want to be that person. So I try to be self-aware about what I'm ready to share in what context. And I fake very well. ;)
Of course, I'm highly unproductive in terms of trying to publish as a result. ;) When I really look hard and critically (ha!) at my own behavior, I realize that I rationalize and cling to my safe spaces. (I also do have some good excuses, like training as a teacher, changing jobs, and going to grad school these last three years, but even before that, when I had the time and energy, I could rarely muster myself to send stuff out.)
It feels like I'm being too honest in this comment. Uhhh. I hope I am not coming off like a horrible person. :p
Goodness no. Look at all my rambling! :) Perhaps, through our honesty, we're being the change we want to see. ;)
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I didn't get much meaningful critique there. (And maybe by fandom standards I didn't need it, although I'm not sure of that by any stretch.) Most of my experience with that came through school, and the critique group I joined last year. Maybe it just hasn't been enough yet.
I feel that the more emotionally invested I am in writing one, the better my work
I can agree with that, and see where you're coming from. And I don't want to become detached either, as it has become pretty clear that stories I don't care much about never get written. Detaching entirely would mean not writing, and no thanks.
Leaving comfort zones is really difficult. I submitted stories to magazines once, way the hell back before I even knew about the internet, and haven't since. Fandom and fan fiction are so much more comfortable and fun and neither rejects me. (Well, usually.) I've been avoiding leaving that comfortable space a looooong time. Hell, even now - that story I mentioned up in the entry, the one that's on draft seven? Still haven't looked at it. I wrote this entry to talk about it almost a month ago.
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