What Happens In The Van, Really Won't Stay There, PG-13
Title: What Happens In The Van, Really Won't Stay There
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/character: McGee/DiNozzo
Summary: "Could you, I don’t know, could you whistle or something?" "You want me to put my lips together and blow, Probie?"
Warnings/Spoilers: Implication of semi-public urination
A/N: Little dialogue only piece written for Kink_Bingo. Prompt is watersports, which is also the only warning. This is just crack on a stick, really.
"Tony, how far are we from the Sheriff's office?"
"About thirty five miles, why?"
"Well, I really need to pee so we're going to have to stop somewhere."
"Not a chance. Gibbs said to get back yesterday, we're getting back yesterday."
"Tony, I have to go!"
"Well you should have thought about that before we set off."
"Tony!"
"Oh for God's sake. If you're that desperate, there's a bottle under the seat."
"I'm not peeing in a bottle."
"Well I'm not gonna pull over, McPrude, so either you hold on for the next thirty-odd miles or piss in that bottle."
"I'm not peeing in front of you!"
"Oh let me tell you, I have absolutely no desire to see Tiny Tim."
"You're really not going to pull over?"
"Nope."
"Fine, where's the bottle?"
"Should be under the seat."
"Got it. At least it looks clean."
"I rinse it religiously."
"Uh-huh. Okay so I need a little...privacy."
"What, you want to hop in the back? Because I really don't recommend it."
"I can't pee if people are listening. Will you just turn the radio on?"
"Can't. Radio's been broken since Ziva tuned in to Rush Limbaugh."
"Could you, I don’t know, could you whistle or something?"
"You want me to put my lips together and blow, Probie?"
"You know what, Tony, just keep talking. It's what you're good at so I guess that'll do fine."
"Would you rather I sang? How about Moon River? Yellow Submarine? If it's Smoke on the Water then you should definitely get that looked at."
"And I'm done."
"Better?"
"Much."
"Okay, my turn."
"What?"
"I need to pee."
"Since when?"
"Since I heard you, McTinkle."
"Well then pull over."
"And risk the wrath of Gibbs? No-ho-ho."
"Well you can't pee no-handed."
"Yes I can. You're going to help me."
"No, Tony. No, I'm not."
"McGee, just put the bottle between my legs, open my fly and-"
"Tony I'm not doing any of that, so you'll be needing to pull over."
"Well, McGee, if you won't I will."
"Tony put your hands back on the wheel!"
"Oh, so now you're going to help me."
"No!"
"Well it's either help me pee or die a horrifying death, possibly involving a fireball."
"Why don't I just hold the wheel?"
"No go, Probie-san. You can barely drive from the driver's seat."
"Tony, seriously."
"Your choice, McGee."
"I cannot believe you're making me do this. You wouldn't make Ziva do this."
"That's because our friendly Mossad trained assassin could probably snap Little Tony in half."
"I'd be willing to give that a try."
"If I weren't concerned about pissing myself, I would right now be snorting in derision."
"Yeah, because criticising the man who is about to be holding your dick is a really great idea, huh Tony?"
"Well done, McGeever, you managed to unzip me without serious injury."
"Could you stop rating my performance? This is weird enough as it is."
"Quite a firm grip you've got there."
"And that's just another comment that I'll be ignoring. Okay, everything's in place, so...go."
"Ohhh yeah, that's the stuff. Funny how that works, you never realise you need to pee until right when you can't. It's like this time we flew to Geneva, only it turns out the toilet in -"
"Tony you've stopped peeing, right?"
"Yes, McInterrupter."
"So, uh, want to explain to me why little Tony's still feeling fairly alert?"
"I, uh, I have no idea, McGee."
"Been a while, has it?"
"Not funny, Probie. Can you just put me away? Gently?"
"It's going to be difficult if you don't calm down a little."
"Well maybe if you weren't holding on so damned tight."
"Just think of something unattractive."
"Okay, got it."
"Wow, that was quick."
"Mrs Greeson. High-school calculus. Works every time."
"And you're zipped back up. Is this where we sit in awkward silence for the next forty-five minutes?"
"McGee."
"Yes?"
"We will never speak of this again."
"Oh I think we will."
"McGee, if you even think of-"
"I think we'll talk about it later tonight. Say eight o'clock? Your place, I think. Thicker walls."
"I..."
"Yes, Tony?"
"...Eight, you say?"
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/character: McGee/DiNozzo
Summary: "Could you, I don’t know, could you whistle or something?" "You want me to put my lips together and blow, Probie?"
Warnings/Spoilers: Implication of semi-public urination
A/N: Little dialogue only piece written for Kink_Bingo. Prompt is watersports, which is also the only warning. This is just crack on a stick, really.
"Tony, how far are we from the Sheriff's office?"
"About thirty five miles, why?"
"Well, I really need to pee so we're going to have to stop somewhere."
"Not a chance. Gibbs said to get back yesterday, we're getting back yesterday."
"Tony, I have to go!"
"Well you should have thought about that before we set off."
"Tony!"
"Oh for God's sake. If you're that desperate, there's a bottle under the seat."
"I'm not peeing in a bottle."
"Well I'm not gonna pull over, McPrude, so either you hold on for the next thirty-odd miles or piss in that bottle."
"I'm not peeing in front of you!"
"Oh let me tell you, I have absolutely no desire to see Tiny Tim."
"You're really not going to pull over?"
"Nope."
"Fine, where's the bottle?"
"Should be under the seat."
"Got it. At least it looks clean."
"I rinse it religiously."
"Uh-huh. Okay so I need a little...privacy."
"What, you want to hop in the back? Because I really don't recommend it."
"I can't pee if people are listening. Will you just turn the radio on?"
"Can't. Radio's been broken since Ziva tuned in to Rush Limbaugh."
"Could you, I don’t know, could you whistle or something?"
"You want me to put my lips together and blow, Probie?"
"You know what, Tony, just keep talking. It's what you're good at so I guess that'll do fine."
"Would you rather I sang? How about Moon River? Yellow Submarine? If it's Smoke on the Water then you should definitely get that looked at."
"And I'm done."
"Better?"
"Much."
"Okay, my turn."
"What?"
"I need to pee."
"Since when?"
"Since I heard you, McTinkle."
"Well then pull over."
"And risk the wrath of Gibbs? No-ho-ho."
"Well you can't pee no-handed."
"Yes I can. You're going to help me."
"No, Tony. No, I'm not."
"McGee, just put the bottle between my legs, open my fly and-"
"Tony I'm not doing any of that, so you'll be needing to pull over."
"Well, McGee, if you won't I will."
"Tony put your hands back on the wheel!"
"Oh, so now you're going to help me."
"No!"
"Well it's either help me pee or die a horrifying death, possibly involving a fireball."
"Why don't I just hold the wheel?"
"No go, Probie-san. You can barely drive from the driver's seat."
"Tony, seriously."
"Your choice, McGee."
"I cannot believe you're making me do this. You wouldn't make Ziva do this."
"That's because our friendly Mossad trained assassin could probably snap Little Tony in half."
"I'd be willing to give that a try."
"If I weren't concerned about pissing myself, I would right now be snorting in derision."
"Yeah, because criticising the man who is about to be holding your dick is a really great idea, huh Tony?"
"Well done, McGeever, you managed to unzip me without serious injury."
"Could you stop rating my performance? This is weird enough as it is."
"Quite a firm grip you've got there."
"And that's just another comment that I'll be ignoring. Okay, everything's in place, so...go."
"Ohhh yeah, that's the stuff. Funny how that works, you never realise you need to pee until right when you can't. It's like this time we flew to Geneva, only it turns out the toilet in -"
"Tony you've stopped peeing, right?"
"Yes, McInterrupter."
"So, uh, want to explain to me why little Tony's still feeling fairly alert?"
"I, uh, I have no idea, McGee."
"Been a while, has it?"
"Not funny, Probie. Can you just put me away? Gently?"
"It's going to be difficult if you don't calm down a little."
"Well maybe if you weren't holding on so damned tight."
"Just think of something unattractive."
"Okay, got it."
"Wow, that was quick."
"Mrs Greeson. High-school calculus. Works every time."
"And you're zipped back up. Is this where we sit in awkward silence for the next forty-five minutes?"
"McGee."
"Yes?"
"We will never speak of this again."
"Oh I think we will."
"McGee, if you even think of-"
"I think we'll talk about it later tonight. Say eight o'clock? Your place, I think. Thicker walls."
"I..."
"Yes, Tony?"
"...Eight, you say?"