self-pitty
im so curious as to how everything happens at once. i think they all get together and say "lets make some trouble and drive alex carpenter absoloutly insane". just a friend, or so i thought, tried to tell me i was committing a sin by being with anthony. i was told if im not going to marry him then i am "kissing someone elses husband". im sure that wasnt the case when he was experiencing that pleasure with his exgirlfriend. so we dont really speak anymore.
in other news, this daylight savings nonsense is really taking a toll on my poor weak and stressed body. ive been tired since sunday. i think i will use the $100 to the spa that my mother gave me for christmas. i despratly need a massage.
i got a haircut today. i dont know how i feel about it. my bangs look too short to me, but i think its because im not accustom to seeing my eyebrows. i just hope they grow before prom next month.
i guess i can attribute part of my stress to the fanclub. they wont stop. mostly her. his favorite; my least. its always like shes making fun of me in her head; laughing and telling herself how much better she is than i am. its extremely irritating. especially when he jokingly pokes at her sides and rough houses with her at lunch. we talked for an hour yesterday, in the parking lot of carls junior, about everything. i dont think he will do it anymore. he knows its hard for me to see that and not care. but i think he called me immature. i dont know if that is what he meant, but its how i took it. but he also said some nice things. "you know when you see someone throw up and you want to throw up, too? well thats how i feel when you cry.. i want to cry." it was sensitive.. he tried. god, im not a jealous person. i never have been and i dont know what is wrong with me. i know he loves me, and im sure im better. he wouldnt still be here after all ive put him through. i drive myself insane with this out of control paranoia that constantly fills my head.. and my heart. do you ever get that feeling? anger and panic and jealousy all at once? and your whole chest tightens up and you want to scream and burst into tears and hit anything within reach? i try so hard to convince myself that everything is okay. and it is. im just crazy. and in love.
and thats how it ends. i am deeply in love with the boy who has kissed me almost every day since august 8th two-thousand and four. it will be one year and eight months in two days. we are on the road to two years. maybe he will take me to disneyland. in his truck.
in other news, this daylight savings nonsense is really taking a toll on my poor weak and stressed body. ive been tired since sunday. i think i will use the $100 to the spa that my mother gave me for christmas. i despratly need a massage.
i got a haircut today. i dont know how i feel about it. my bangs look too short to me, but i think its because im not accustom to seeing my eyebrows. i just hope they grow before prom next month.
i guess i can attribute part of my stress to the fanclub. they wont stop. mostly her. his favorite; my least. its always like shes making fun of me in her head; laughing and telling herself how much better she is than i am. its extremely irritating. especially when he jokingly pokes at her sides and rough houses with her at lunch. we talked for an hour yesterday, in the parking lot of carls junior, about everything. i dont think he will do it anymore. he knows its hard for me to see that and not care. but i think he called me immature. i dont know if that is what he meant, but its how i took it. but he also said some nice things. "you know when you see someone throw up and you want to throw up, too? well thats how i feel when you cry.. i want to cry." it was sensitive.. he tried. god, im not a jealous person. i never have been and i dont know what is wrong with me. i know he loves me, and im sure im better. he wouldnt still be here after all ive put him through. i drive myself insane with this out of control paranoia that constantly fills my head.. and my heart. do you ever get that feeling? anger and panic and jealousy all at once? and your whole chest tightens up and you want to scream and burst into tears and hit anything within reach? i try so hard to convince myself that everything is okay. and it is. im just crazy. and in love.
and thats how it ends. i am deeply in love with the boy who has kissed me almost every day since august 8th two-thousand and four. it will be one year and eight months in two days. we are on the road to two years. maybe he will take me to disneyland. in his truck.