too far gone
im trying so hard to not break down..even though i feel so happy i still cant stress enough how much im still struggling..life will never be easy..every thought i have it will somehow turn into something that will upset me..and i dont want to be upset even though i know i cant escape something like that..i still feel like crying and me trying to be the strong person i wanna be, i wont let myself..besides if i start crying i'll be crying over something i dont know..because i wouldnt know what i would be crying over..
as some of you know..my eating habits have decreased a lot lately and im not goin into detail here because all of yall will freak out and be all "omg" and i dont want that or need that so..im just struggling so much and goin through so many changes..everything will settle back soon enough..i hope..
....
ok i cant effin take this anymore! im so weak right now! i feel like crying every day after i get home from school and even at school i still feel like crying im breaking down and whithering away and i dont know what to do, thsi whole changing thing is gettin to me sure its for the better but its so hard and i know who said life was goin to be easy? no one but i never would have imagined that i would be so struck by whats happening! i need someones help anyones help i got a huge today from this guy i use to like and geez i almost wanted to cry and i felt like the whole world didnt matter but it wasnt just the fact that it was him but that he took the time out to just stop and hug me and i felt like melting just going away and being gone..so many days i have complained about wating to go..just go and leave..sit in the middle of no where like a meadow i dont care! just anywhere where there isnt people where i can just go and talk to god..look up at the sky and know that hes listening and just talk for hours on end about whats bothering me..i cant do that at my house its way too noisey and i cant go outside because my neighborhood is the same..so noisey..i dont know where to go i really need to talk to God and i dont know where to go..i cant go to a church i dont feel comfortable talking about my problems in a church..i wanna be somewhere outside where i know i have Gods full attention..people distract me..and i cant take it..fine...i guess i'll just go ahead and say it...IM GOING ANOREXIC..or heck i may already be because i have been eating yes people have seen me but guess what..thats like the only time i ever eat..i dont eat at my house and only if my mom is watching will i eat..and if my friends are there i'll eat a little..but for the majority i dont eat..and i know i said i love food too much but somethings gotta go and right now thats food..sorry no one can change my mind right now im too far gone with all of this and im caught up in so much that nothing can pull me out..im sorry..im sure things will change soon..like i said...just people dont know how hard it is..and i know im not the only person in the universe its not that i just feel so alone and sometimes its a good thing and sometimes its not..sometimes i do want a boyfriend and sometimes i dont and sometimes i just wanna be left alone..but right now..its a combination of a lot of things i wanna boyfriend but i wanna be left alone but i also want someone to talk to..is that so weird to comprehend??
who knows..
im sinking into the deep abyss and honestly....i cant find my way out
dont help me..
just like the blind have to cope..i will too..
because i dont know where i am and where im going
but im going somewhere and doing something
hopefully it IS for the better...maybe my life will turn out better
and if it doesnt..i'll be doing this all over again..
pray for me...
i dont know what im getting into
but im already in it..
so..i have to go with it
<3 amy
as some of you know..my eating habits have decreased a lot lately and im not goin into detail here because all of yall will freak out and be all "omg" and i dont want that or need that so..im just struggling so much and goin through so many changes..everything will settle back soon enough..i hope..
....
ok i cant effin take this anymore! im so weak right now! i feel like crying every day after i get home from school and even at school i still feel like crying im breaking down and whithering away and i dont know what to do, thsi whole changing thing is gettin to me sure its for the better but its so hard and i know who said life was goin to be easy? no one but i never would have imagined that i would be so struck by whats happening! i need someones help anyones help i got a huge today from this guy i use to like and geez i almost wanted to cry and i felt like the whole world didnt matter but it wasnt just the fact that it was him but that he took the time out to just stop and hug me and i felt like melting just going away and being gone..so many days i have complained about wating to go..just go and leave..sit in the middle of no where like a meadow i dont care! just anywhere where there isnt people where i can just go and talk to god..look up at the sky and know that hes listening and just talk for hours on end about whats bothering me..i cant do that at my house its way too noisey and i cant go outside because my neighborhood is the same..so noisey..i dont know where to go i really need to talk to God and i dont know where to go..i cant go to a church i dont feel comfortable talking about my problems in a church..i wanna be somewhere outside where i know i have Gods full attention..people distract me..and i cant take it..fine...i guess i'll just go ahead and say it...IM GOING ANOREXIC..or heck i may already be because i have been eating yes people have seen me but guess what..thats like the only time i ever eat..i dont eat at my house and only if my mom is watching will i eat..and if my friends are there i'll eat a little..but for the majority i dont eat..and i know i said i love food too much but somethings gotta go and right now thats food..sorry no one can change my mind right now im too far gone with all of this and im caught up in so much that nothing can pull me out..im sorry..im sure things will change soon..like i said...just people dont know how hard it is..and i know im not the only person in the universe its not that i just feel so alone and sometimes its a good thing and sometimes its not..sometimes i do want a boyfriend and sometimes i dont and sometimes i just wanna be left alone..but right now..its a combination of a lot of things i wanna boyfriend but i wanna be left alone but i also want someone to talk to..is that so weird to comprehend??
who knows..
im sinking into the deep abyss and honestly....i cant find my way out
dont help me..
just like the blind have to cope..i will too..
because i dont know where i am and where im going
but im going somewhere and doing something
hopefully it IS for the better...maybe my life will turn out better
and if it doesnt..i'll be doing this all over again..
pray for me...
i dont know what im getting into
but im already in it..
so..i have to go with it
<3 amy