Long time, no see. (Prob a good thing...)
I haven’t really posted here in a long while (As Eoin kindly pointed out)and I wasn’t really planning too, but as I sit here in this big empty house, drenched in rain from walking to the bank just a second ago - I just decided to let out some feelings im having at the moment. Nothing major, nothing even particularly new. Just some stuff I have in my head that won’t seem to lock itself away. Stupid brain.
I can’t really describe how I feel at the moment in words; lost, jealous, confused, alone. But just lately I’ve started noticing things about myself that I already knew were there, but hadn’t really accepted them as part of me. So I guess I haven’t really 'noticed' them, ive just realized that they wont be going away.
I want to be the kind of person that I always thought I was. A happy person who people would feel comfortable talking to, about anything. Someone who wouldn’t let the tiniest thing bother him, or get frustrated when something doesn’t go right. Or even cry when he feels sad. But im not. I see that.
Sometimes I look at Chris when were out with friends and I get this overwhelming negative feeling, and I didn’t know why - its even pretty obvious. He is *that* person. He can talk to anyone he wants, and whether they have the slightest thing in common or not, they'll get along. I think even Hitler would like him. People can just tell him anything and he'll be able to make it all better for them in just one simple conversation. He has this like, power of making everyone around him feel happy about themselves while they're with him. Makes them open up and enjoy life. And it pains me because I cant do that. I cant just go up to people I have never met and talk to them as if ive known them my whole life. It talks people forever to feel like they can just sit alone in a room with me and not feel awkward and want the world to swallow them whole. The amount of times people have asked Chris if I dislike them after meeting with me for the first time is way higher then I thought it would be. And the worst part is I have no idea why. After moving away from Lincoln, leaving all my friends and family behind, I am trying that much harder to stop being so stupidly shy and just talk to people. So when we go out and I meet one of Chris' friends, I’ll try so hard to connect with them. But everytime I try its full of long pauses and looking away eyes. And inbetween one question, one answer conversations, I see Chris with either a barman, or a random stranger laughing, deep in chat with each other. I don’t understand how people can do it. I think part of this empty feeling I have is jealously, but not in a bitter sort of way, more in an envious form.
When I look at him, I can tell he's going to do great things. Not like curing cancer or anything, but I can see that he will be successful and happy doing something that he loves to do. Me on the other hand ... I cant see it happening. I'm going to be one of those people who does a job he loathes on a 9 to 5 basis just because he has too. As long as im with Chris I’ll be happy, but im scared that I’ll grow bitter and resentful of his success and he'll end up leaving me. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve him.
He has this energy about him that I cant quite put into words. He's up for anything, he's adventures, he's gifted, he's confident. He's just this general happy person who likes to have fun and is not afraid of letting himself go. I wish I knew what his secret was. The trouble with me is that I cant do anything without knowing the repercussions of my actions, I cant let myself go and just do something fun without doing the "I don’t think we should do this ... such and such might happen". I'm getting better at it, but still, im still boring.
I'm not really scared of change, so I don’t think the fact ive moved away form everything I once knew has affected me in this way. I think its mainly down to me having too much time by myself, analysing everything I do. Not having anyone I can really talk too doesn’t help either. Everyone I know will listen is too far away, and by the time ive finished writing down what im feeling, or what problem I have, its over with and therefore pointless.
Im just writing this really to get it all off my chest. You know in cheesy American TV shows, where the main character is revealing his or her thoughts in the form of a voice-over, and they're walking down a road, looking at the floor with a glazed look in their eyes, as the rain falls down over them ... That’s how I was today walking back from the bank. The thoughts I just wrote about swimming around in my head in the form of that voice over. The thoughts were obviously a lot more in depth and detailed, and there were more than the three general ones ive mentioned, but you know how it is. By the time you get the chance to write everything down, you've forgotten it or realise its not really worth mentioning. There are a few more things I wanted to write about, but they stem off into other thoughts etc, and I could go on forever writing about them.
Whatever you do, don’t take what im saying as me wanting to break up with Chris. I don’t mean anything like that at all ... I love him, and when we're either watching TV or lying in bed together holding each other its the best thing in the world. In fact, ive said nothing but good things about him. All I’ve said is this feeling I get every now and then. This feeling I cant shake off, I wish I could but it gets triggered off sometimes and takes a while to go away again.
This time it was triggered off by last weekend. He went for a weekend to this convention where everyone was at. They were all having a great time etc, so I decided that I’d go down for the night after work on the Sunday. By the time I’d got there however everyone was all clicky and laughing about inside jokes I couldn’t obviously get, so yeah, I felt kinda left out - but I expected too. Then Chris just said to me "grab my lemonade [from under the table]" so I did, and by the time I looked back up, he was gone. I was left in this room full of people I didn’t know for 30 minutes and I was telling myself just to go up to someone and start up a conversation until someone you know walks past. But I didn’t know how to. At that point I gave up. Chris did eventually come back looking for me and we went off to have fun with the rest of the gang but by that time I was on a downer so little fun was to be had. Later on when Chris noticed I was kinda down he said "what did you expect would happen when you got here" to which I had no answer too, so I went back to his mums and went to bed to let him get on with his night. I didn’t want to spoil it.
I wanted so badly to cry that night, just to let out what I was feeling, but I couldn’t so I just went to sleep.
Kinda went of the agenda of my post there, but I may as well write about what I did over the weekend while im here lol. Sorta goes in with what im saying.
Sorry about the rant to all those who are still reading, but as I said - it was mainly just to unload my thoughts. I feel calmer now, so I guess my plan worked. Im sure I’ll still lie awake tonight and think about stuff I missed from this post, but at least most of it is out there and I can just forget about it for a while.
I know im not alone, but sometimes I just cant help thinking that I am. I'm sure everyone does. I'm sure I’ll hate myself for posting this in a weeks time just because I’ll be happy again and I’ll feel stupid to have written this, but im hopeing that by doing this the feeling wont come back for a good time yet. Fingers crossed.
I can’t really describe how I feel at the moment in words; lost, jealous, confused, alone. But just lately I’ve started noticing things about myself that I already knew were there, but hadn’t really accepted them as part of me. So I guess I haven’t really 'noticed' them, ive just realized that they wont be going away.
I want to be the kind of person that I always thought I was. A happy person who people would feel comfortable talking to, about anything. Someone who wouldn’t let the tiniest thing bother him, or get frustrated when something doesn’t go right. Or even cry when he feels sad. But im not. I see that.
Sometimes I look at Chris when were out with friends and I get this overwhelming negative feeling, and I didn’t know why - its even pretty obvious. He is *that* person. He can talk to anyone he wants, and whether they have the slightest thing in common or not, they'll get along. I think even Hitler would like him. People can just tell him anything and he'll be able to make it all better for them in just one simple conversation. He has this like, power of making everyone around him feel happy about themselves while they're with him. Makes them open up and enjoy life. And it pains me because I cant do that. I cant just go up to people I have never met and talk to them as if ive known them my whole life. It talks people forever to feel like they can just sit alone in a room with me and not feel awkward and want the world to swallow them whole. The amount of times people have asked Chris if I dislike them after meeting with me for the first time is way higher then I thought it would be. And the worst part is I have no idea why. After moving away from Lincoln, leaving all my friends and family behind, I am trying that much harder to stop being so stupidly shy and just talk to people. So when we go out and I meet one of Chris' friends, I’ll try so hard to connect with them. But everytime I try its full of long pauses and looking away eyes. And inbetween one question, one answer conversations, I see Chris with either a barman, or a random stranger laughing, deep in chat with each other. I don’t understand how people can do it. I think part of this empty feeling I have is jealously, but not in a bitter sort of way, more in an envious form.
When I look at him, I can tell he's going to do great things. Not like curing cancer or anything, but I can see that he will be successful and happy doing something that he loves to do. Me on the other hand ... I cant see it happening. I'm going to be one of those people who does a job he loathes on a 9 to 5 basis just because he has too. As long as im with Chris I’ll be happy, but im scared that I’ll grow bitter and resentful of his success and he'll end up leaving me. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve him.
He has this energy about him that I cant quite put into words. He's up for anything, he's adventures, he's gifted, he's confident. He's just this general happy person who likes to have fun and is not afraid of letting himself go. I wish I knew what his secret was. The trouble with me is that I cant do anything without knowing the repercussions of my actions, I cant let myself go and just do something fun without doing the "I don’t think we should do this ... such and such might happen". I'm getting better at it, but still, im still boring.
I'm not really scared of change, so I don’t think the fact ive moved away form everything I once knew has affected me in this way. I think its mainly down to me having too much time by myself, analysing everything I do. Not having anyone I can really talk too doesn’t help either. Everyone I know will listen is too far away, and by the time ive finished writing down what im feeling, or what problem I have, its over with and therefore pointless.
Im just writing this really to get it all off my chest. You know in cheesy American TV shows, where the main character is revealing his or her thoughts in the form of a voice-over, and they're walking down a road, looking at the floor with a glazed look in their eyes, as the rain falls down over them ... That’s how I was today walking back from the bank. The thoughts I just wrote about swimming around in my head in the form of that voice over. The thoughts were obviously a lot more in depth and detailed, and there were more than the three general ones ive mentioned, but you know how it is. By the time you get the chance to write everything down, you've forgotten it or realise its not really worth mentioning. There are a few more things I wanted to write about, but they stem off into other thoughts etc, and I could go on forever writing about them.
Whatever you do, don’t take what im saying as me wanting to break up with Chris. I don’t mean anything like that at all ... I love him, and when we're either watching TV or lying in bed together holding each other its the best thing in the world. In fact, ive said nothing but good things about him. All I’ve said is this feeling I get every now and then. This feeling I cant shake off, I wish I could but it gets triggered off sometimes and takes a while to go away again.
This time it was triggered off by last weekend. He went for a weekend to this convention where everyone was at. They were all having a great time etc, so I decided that I’d go down for the night after work on the Sunday. By the time I’d got there however everyone was all clicky and laughing about inside jokes I couldn’t obviously get, so yeah, I felt kinda left out - but I expected too. Then Chris just said to me "grab my lemonade [from under the table]" so I did, and by the time I looked back up, he was gone. I was left in this room full of people I didn’t know for 30 minutes and I was telling myself just to go up to someone and start up a conversation until someone you know walks past. But I didn’t know how to. At that point I gave up. Chris did eventually come back looking for me and we went off to have fun with the rest of the gang but by that time I was on a downer so little fun was to be had. Later on when Chris noticed I was kinda down he said "what did you expect would happen when you got here" to which I had no answer too, so I went back to his mums and went to bed to let him get on with his night. I didn’t want to spoil it.
I wanted so badly to cry that night, just to let out what I was feeling, but I couldn’t so I just went to sleep.
Kinda went of the agenda of my post there, but I may as well write about what I did over the weekend while im here lol. Sorta goes in with what im saying.
Sorry about the rant to all those who are still reading, but as I said - it was mainly just to unload my thoughts. I feel calmer now, so I guess my plan worked. Im sure I’ll still lie awake tonight and think about stuff I missed from this post, but at least most of it is out there and I can just forget about it for a while.
I know im not alone, but sometimes I just cant help thinking that I am. I'm sure everyone does. I'm sure I’ll hate myself for posting this in a weeks time just because I’ll be happy again and I’ll feel stupid to have written this, but im hopeing that by doing this the feeling wont come back for a good time yet. Fingers crossed.