It goes something like this [Part Six]
a/n: fair warning, angst ahead. I mean it. Remember…things will have to get bad before they get better…
Don’t say I hadn’t warned you!
Previous Parts: I - II - III - IV- V
~
She sometimes had wanted the whole world to know…she would have wanted people to know about Matt and her…but not like that
The old saying: careful what you wish for, because it might get true was an ugly bitch…and Karen learned it the hard way
~
The night before...when Karen felt like the happiest person on the planet, Matt sung to her…she had come home, a bit late, because stuck on set to dub a few scenes whose sound had mysteriously disintegrated, and of course it had been her scenes. To be fair Matt had volunteered to wait for her, but Karen had sent him home, reminding him that they were out of soapdish and tomato sauce.
Matt had left shaking his head…but he had been smiling.
She had come back home - their home…and everything in that flat announced that it was theirs…it smelled like home - Matt hadn’t cooked, too tired to even try, they had eaten their take out food on the couch, snuggled up together, her feet, under his thighs, Matt handing her the wine , she handing him part of her food…they had discussed about their new flat, the one they were buying in London, and Matt had said he wanted to buy a piano…they had talked about how to put furniture, laughing when Matt had vetoed the idea of moving the couch, the one they were half sprawled on in the new flat.
“No way!” Matt had said, “this is our couch!”
“It will still be..just…you know, in London?” Karen had replied.
“It wouldn’t be the same thing…” Matt had replied. Matt had the occasional bouts of immense romanticism, he was an amazing, considerate boyfriend - fiancé …her mind reminded her - , but he didn’t always talk about things…about feelings, even those he saw as stupid…yet Karen got what Matt had meant…that was their couch, it was the place where they learned their lines, watched the telly, made out like horny teenagers, where they fell asleep on together, like an old married couple.
“Ok…” She had eventually said, “but I get to choose it…ok?”
How the conversation had shifted from furniture…to Matt singing…to Matt taking his guitar from their bedroom - for some reason it had always made total sense to Karen that Matt would want to keep a guitar in the bedroom - and had ended up singing for her. Really singing, song after song, the ones he had always loved, the ones he knew she loved, a few romantic, sappy ones
They had gone to bed together, they had been happy.
Later Karen would remember that she had fallen asleep in Matt’s arms, feeling a sudden weight, a vice right around her heart; she would remember how she had burrowed her face in Matt’s chest, and inhaled, taking deep breaths and how Matt’s hand, had reflexively gone to her head, to brush her hair, even if he had been half asleep.
Later, she would remember that they had both woken up way before the alarm went off, it was still dark outside.
They had snuggled under the covers, in the darkness of their bedroom, Karen had heard how fast Matt’s heart had been beating, and there was still feeling…like a bitter after taste in the back of her throat, a feeling that wouldn’t leave.
She would remember how their kisses had become impatient, frantic almost, how there hadn’t been words, smiles, how there had been just the sudden need to feel each other, because the sense of unreality surrounding them had become too thick, too hard to ignore. Matt’s hands had left bruises on her hips as he held her, and her nails had drawn blood on his back, in the darkness of their bedroom, their movements hard, fast, pleasure that had built and exploded, sudden and silent…too silent for that morning.
She would remember how Matt had held her, after, whispering a soft apology in her hear and how she had rolled her eyes and whispered back, “I wasn’t exactly complaining, you know?”
She would remember how they had taken their time before leaving the bed, how each and every movement had felt too normal and how Karen had felt like crying and had had to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat more than once. She would remember how she had taken off her engagement ring and put it on the silver chain she always wore under her clothes…and how the light weight of it had somehow calmed her down.
She would remember that they had left their flat together, hand in hand, fingers twined, smiling even if Karen was jumpy and still felt like crying, even if she hadn’t known why.
She would remember the first hours on set, how they had parted ways, and as the make up girls were making her presentable, giving her knowing glances while covering a hickey that hadn’t been there the day before, Karen fought again that sudden lump in her throat, as she recalled suddenly words she had heard once, when she was a kid.
“Be careful with your happiness..for Gods envy it.”
She clutched her chest, fingering the engagement ring through her clothes, closing her eyes and trying to focus on her job, on Amy…on what she could actually see and touch, instead of those irrational and sudden fears.
She would remember the scene Matt and she shot together, how easy it had been, how the hours had flown by, and she had almost calmed down…
What she would really remember, what she would make the rest become a blur, was the blood.
One moment they had been laughing between takes…a moment later the crash came, and Matt …her Matt, idiot, beautiful, clumsy and generous had pushed her away as the beam fell down.
Then it was…blood…blood was all she saw, all she remembered, all she knew.
~
Fear, Karen discovered, made blood felt like acid in her veins. It burned and numbed her. Fear, she discovered, was white and made her throat ache.
One didn’t lose their mind, but sometimes they wished they did when they were so afraid.
~
It all happened literally in a second, one that Karen would never really remember, even later there would be a gap….one filled with screams and Matt’s hands pushing her away and then the fear, the blood.
She didn’t remember how she moved, but she was there, fighting her way in to see Matt. People were trying to hold her back, she didn’t know who, she didn’t care. She could hear in the distance someone screaming orders and just where the fuck was the medic anyway…and was the ambulance on its bloody way already?
She dropped on her knees, although she didn’t even notice, didn’t even feel the floor, didn’t feel the cut on her knees when shreds of glass cut her; everything she was: soul, heart, body was fixed on Matt.
She couldn’t even move for a moment, she wasn’t even sure she was breathing, she wouldn’t be until she knew that Matt was.
She only noticed the blood…it was flowering Matt’s white shirt, pooling underneath his head and it was so red, she didn’t think she had ever noticed how red the blood really was.
Her hand moved, reaching Matt’s…and she let out a breath, even though it might have been a sob she didn’t really know, it didn’t make any difference. Matt’s hand was cold…too cold and it was so wrong…and she clutched it, willing it to become warm again, and she became aware of the tears that were streaming down her face only when she felt Matt’s hand clutching hers back.
“Oh God….” She said, getting closer, her chest almost on the floor, her face mere inches away from Matt, “Matt, can you hear me?”
Matt opened his eyes, but didn’t move, “Kaz” He said…and his voice was too low, too weak, and it hurt her own chest to hear him talk, she sensed how much of an effort he was making to.
“Yeah,” she said, moving so that he could see her, and the smell of blood hit her stomach, thick…and she tried to suppress new tears, because Matt’s blood couldn’t make her cry…because Matt was smiling, weakly, trying to speak…and that had to be a nightmare, she had to wake up soon…and things would be okay.
“Are you…” Matt spoke, slowly, suppressing a cough making a liquid sound when he did, and Karen felt her own stomach clenching in painful knots when she knew…instinctively, that he was trying not to cough up blood.
Matt…stupid….idiot, beautiful Matt wanted to know if she was okay, and it made perfect sense that she could read it in his eyes so clearly, like he had spoken aloud, like he wasn’t trying not to cough up blood.
“I’m okay…” She said, she couldn’t help a sob when he nodded and whispered something, she leaned down, toward him, and she felt his warm breath against her cheek, “Guess we broke the set this time…” he said.
Matt was still clutching her hand, hard, and Karen couldn’t move a single muscle, she didn’t even move when the doctor, finally, arrived and knelt next to Matt, trying to push her away.
She wiped away tears from her face, with her free hand as the doctor worked on Matt, and new tears spilled down her cheeks when she saw the blood on her hand. She looked at Matt, he was breathing shallowly, as the doctor immobilized him, he was pale, except for his lips, red with blood.
Someone was talking to her, but she didn’t understand what they were saying, somebody was trying to make her move, but she couldn’t, not until it was Matt who did…his hand went limp in hers, suddenly…and fear exploded in Karen.
Where the fuck was the ambulance?
~
The only thing Karen recalled of the ride in the ambulance was how pale Matt had looked, even paler than the sheet covering his torso.
They had let her ride with Matt, she didn’t remember what she had said or done, she just recalled that the paramedics had exchanged a glance and looked at her with pity before agreeing to let her ride with them.
She didn’t remember what she had said or done, she just knew she had to be there, for when Matt opened his eyes, because he would…there was no way he would not regain consciousness.
Later she was told that she had been histerical, that people on set had been scared for both of them, but she honestly didn’t remember…wouldn’t remember.
There were questions in the ambulance, that much she remembered, questions about Matt and she focused on those…because it was things she knew: Matt’s age, past history of diseases, was he currently under any medication? Was he allergic to some drugs? Who was his next of kin?
“I am…” She had replied. “I’m his fiancé” she had talked in a small voice, holding Matt’s hand, never stopping looking at Matt’s face, wishing he would open his eyes, wishing it was just a nightmare.
Except it wasn’t a nightmare…it was really happening, Karen could feel disconnected from her own body, but she knew it was real. She felt the cold air on her face when they got out of the ambulance, she felt her legs, carrying her one step after another inside the hospital, and she was able to ignore completely the little swarm of photographers already there. Her mind was seeing things clearly…even if they didn’t register. The only thing that was still real, that still mattered was Matt, her fiancé, being brought in emergency surgery, that was real…his blood crusting on her face, and on her fingertips…that was real..
She was lead to waiting room, too large and empty, with plastic chairs and a clock on the wall. She wasn’t alone in the room for long, although she wasn’t really taking measure of time. The first one to enter the waiting room was, of course, Steve…who had followed them with his car. He talked to her and Karen had to shake her head once and ask him to repeat what he had been saying. Words just didn’t translate, her brain refused them…her brain was elsewhere, her brain was still stuck on Matt, on his face, on his weak smile when she had reassured him she was fine, on his too cold hands.
“I talked to Matt’s parents, they are on their way” Steven said.
That was like a slap to Karen, it was like being teleported into reality, into the present.
“Oh, my God…I had …I had to call them…I’m…”
“You need to calm down!” Steve said, taking her by her shoulders and guiding her toward one of the chairs. “Did someone check your knees?”
Karen looked at him, puzzled…what the hell? She shook her head and only then she did look down at her knees, the nylons stockings - Amy’s - she had been wearing were shredded, and she noticed the deep cuts on her knees and how they had bled.
“It’s nothing…” She said, “it doesn’t even hurt”
Steve talked to her slowly, and Karen wanted to say she wasn’t a child, that he had to quit being a condescending git, instead the only thing that came out of her mouth was, “He can’t die…I can’t lose him”
Steve hugged her, and Karen felt reality thinning…because that couldn’t be happening, not really: she couldn’t be in a hospital waiting room, being hugged by her executive producer because something had happened on set and Matt …Matt was hurt.
She closed her eyes letting Steve hold her for a moment, and she felt like screaming, like pushing him away when he didn’t reassure her that things would be fine…when he didn’t promise that Matt would be alright, that it was just a nightmare.
She wanted a director to finally say “Cut!” , she wanted…
She wanted Matt. She just wanted him.
“Do you want me to call your parents?” Steve asked when he pulled away. Karen shook her head no, and Steve said, “You will have to…the news has broken, they will want to hear from you, to know you’re fine”
She let out a chuckle. She couldn’t help it. She was not fine. Fine was when Matt was joking with her between takes and was wondering whether to go to the movies that night or to listen to that live band they both had been curious about. Fine was Matt in the car that morning, his eyes so green and soulful, his glasses perched on the tip of his nose as he read his sides, and his thumb drawing small circles in her open palm as she repeated her own lines.
“Kaz…” Steve said, “You need to focus, now…for Matt, ok?”
She nodded her head. Yes…focus, she could do that, for Matt. She could do anything for Matt.
“Just…” She said, and she had to clear her throat, “give me a few minutes…”
Steve nodded, and was about to say something when a doctor entered the waiting room, and Karen felt her heart in her throat, literally, it made breathing an effort, but she tried to focus anyway. She followed Steve as he got close to the doctor, and for the second time that day, Karen told to a perfect stranger that she was Matt’s Smith fiancé and his next of kin, that he could talk to her.
The doctor, a man in his early forties, tall, with dark hair and gentle brown eyes nodded at her words, and explained the situation. The doctors at the emergency room had been able to reduce, somehow, the trauma to Matt’s abdomen but they needed to operate him and do it now.
“The more time we wait, the more we risk losing him” The doctor said, and although his voice was gentle, the look in his eyes sympathetic, Karen felt her knees almost giving out.
That…was really happening. The doctor’s words had torn apart that thin veil of numbness, of hope that things were not as bad as they looked.
It was Steve who asked questions, Steve who asked about what were the chances, after the doctor explained the kind of surgery they would perform on Matt.
“Mr Smith is a young man, in excellent health, we have been lucky because his spinal chord and vertebrae were not touched when the beam collapsed, as for the rest…I wish I could tell you more, but it’s impossible until after the surgery. You might want to get comfortable”
The doctor nodded and then gave Karen some papers and a pen.
“We need you to sign this” The doctor said.
Karen nodded, looking at the papers and the pen as she had never seen such objects before in her life. She signed her name, slowly, noticing the black ink flowing on the paper, and she felt guilty…and alone. She felt like reality was too tight and she wanted to escape from it, she wanted…
She needed to know Matt would be okay. She needed some hope…
She needed to believe he would be olay.
She went back to the corner of the waiting room, letting her body deflate, as she sat on the chair, only to get up again one minute later, as she started to pace the room.
She could feel Steve’s eyes on her, as she measured the room with her steps, over and over, her arms crossed over her chest. The fabric of reality too tight and suffocating. She went back to her chair and accepted the bottled water Steve offered - she hadn’t even noticed he had left - and drank the water as Steve made her sit down.
The worst thing about waiting…besides the wait in itself, was the panic, the sheer panic Karen experienced every time the door opened, or she heard someone approaching the door.
She called her parents, reassured them, pulled off the performance of a lifetime, because she had never been that far from being fine in her life, and kindly but firmly told her parents not to come, not yet. She would not be able to keep any semblance of balance if they came.
She heard Steve talk to people on his cellphone, quiet conversations about things that made so little sense to her in that moment, but as much as Steve was being a good friend to her in that moment, he was still their executive producers, and Matt Smith…was the lead actor in what was more than a tv show…it was a franchise, a cultural icon…
Her cellphone didn’t stop ringing, but Karen ignored it and when she couldn’t any more she turned it off. Everyone she cared about knew…and the only person who really mattered to her was in surgery, fighting for his life.
Adrenaline was starting to recede, and Karen was feeling almost boneless now, after Steve had insisted, she had left the waiting room for a minute or two, in search of a bathroom, to clean up and she had chosen to ignore the reflected image in the mirror. She had scrubbed away the blood, noticing that there was some on her clothes as well, and the dirt; she cried, new hot tears as she washed away the blood…Matt’s from her face and fingers.
Again, that feeling of detachment, of body and mind acting on autopilot, as she took a deep breath and washed the tears away, and she walked out of the tiny bathroom, one step after another, taking in every detail of her surrounding, feeling like she was going crazy for even caring about the color of the linoleum or how white the walls were. She opened the door of the waiting room and noticed that Steve started, relieved when he realized it was just her.
She sat next to him, in silence, then she said in a low voice, “What happened? Why…are we here?”
Steve looked at her, confused for a moment, and Karen hissed, “what the fuck happened on set?”
The man shook his head, “I still don’t know...but it looks like it was an accident”
Karen shook her head, running her hands through her hair. She wished she could feel rage, that she could blame something, someone for what had happened…but she didn’t even have the strength to, not in that moment.
“He saved my life…” Karen whispered closing her eyes for a moment. She didn’t remember the exact moment, but she could still feel Matt’s hands pushing her away, without warning, without making a sound…just acting. Just being Matt.
She opened her eyes and saw Steve looking at her, a sad smile on his lips. “He loves you”
She smiled, funny how her eyes were dry, now…painfully dry, as much as her throat as she said, “I know…and…”
The door opened, again, and Karen bolted from her chair, not bothering to add anything to Steve. What could she say…that she loved Matt? She did, with everything she was…more deeply than she had ever loved anyone else in her whole life.
Steve probably knew.
She bolted from her chair and went straight to the woman on the door, Matt’s mother, flinging herself into her arms. And the tears were flowing her eyes now, hot and bitter as she whispered again and again how sorry she was.
“It’s okay, darling…it’s ok…” Matt’s mother reassured her, caressing her hair, hugging her back, “Everything is going to be fine. Matt is going to be fine, I promise”
Maybe it was a lie, maybe it was because it was Matt’s mother who said those words, but Karen believed her, completely, and for the first time since the accident on set, she was able to really breathe.
For the first time since the ambulance ride, she felt *hope*