He's dying to get away let the pain of yesterday go slipping through the cracks...
"Red to Black" Fort Minor
I had a friend named Victor
The two of us used to hang every single day
And it seemed like overnight
That his whole life just changed
I know when his mom and dad broke up
It didn't make sense
But i know that his dad was a drunk
And he gambled away the rent
Pretty soon Vic was seeing red
Pissed off and instead
Hed drink every night until he passed out
And then hed do it all again
The whole time smiling on the outside
To cover the pain
But on the inside
All he was trying to do was get away
Dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks
Yo, Funny how things change color
Than fade to another shade
When you had it made it was all good
But now look just another day
It was so fresh
It was so clean
Never saw it gone
One, two, three
Lights out, which way to turn
Can't get a grip
All alone in a big white house
Every day gets worse
And you just curse until your head bursts
And it hurts so bad she left
Now you suffer
Should've thought of that one first
No family, no kids
Cant accept what you did
Now you wanna run away
But you can't
Cause the past comes back again
Slippin through the cracks
Sip a little jack
Go to bed half dead
What about rent
Why does every cent gotta be a bet
Whens it gonna end
Oh my god we dont got a penny left
My moms gotta find a way
To get a job, out of debt, out of dodge
Out of breath, out of this big problem
My pops wanna get away from the pain
In a better place in his brain
But the medication he takes
Makes him wasted
So sick he was gonna think
The good lord would come take him
I'm shaking him
Wake up you son of a bitch!
He's dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks
Hiding himself away
Watching all the memories fade away
From red to black
He's dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks
Hiding himself away
Watching all the memories fade away
From red to black
Before I even start I can tell that this one is going to be really hard to write because I have spent the past few days just trying to avoid these thoughts and emotions. Everyone want to know my reasons but its hard to give them because all I really know is what I feel in the pit of my stomach, the pain that was there when I was going in the airport and I knew that something was wrong, really wrong, and I needed to do something about it now or never. Normally my passive personality would lean towards never but on that day that I was supposed to get on a plane to go back to Ga the universe intervened and made me make a now decision... I guess I should start at the beginning for those of you that don't know the background for some reason. I guess I'll start right after I wrote my last entry.
The two weeks before I was supposed to leave I was working seemingly constantly. I would leave work and then come back and feel like I never left it was exhausting. just before my work explosion I was hanging out at this awesome coffee house on 8th and Charnelton called Theo's, one night when I was there it was 'Family Night' basically they just had some people on stage doing fun stuff like julling and acrobatics and some kind of stand up stuff, it was fun. Anyways, I was just sitting there coloring and vaugely watching the show and there were all these kids watching me draw so I gave them some paper and put my colored pecils on the table, within 10 minutes I had my own little arts and crafts thing going on, it was rather funny really. I was talking to the parents while the kids colored and playing with the kids, children have always loved me and I have never understood why. But I digress, one of the kids, a 18 month old girl named Johana, attached herself to me and her mother, Rachael, was telling my how strange that was since she usually wouldn't go anywhere near anyone but her parents. So, Rachael asked me if I would be interrested in babysitting and obviously I am always interrested in extra money so we exchanged numbers. Turns out Rachael and her husband, Ray, (haha Rachael Ray) run a company that kind of revamps buisnesses when they are in trouble and at the moment they were remodeling a building downtown and they were behind on their deadline so they asked me to come and help out with that (they paid me $14/hr so hell yes). I met the rest of their small company and they are all good people and I was just painting, cleaning, and spackling (stuff I've been doing since childhood) and it was fun to hang out with them so I became friends with all of them and we went out of coffee and dinner and stuff. They are all really good people and after we were done with the office building they had a bunch of design work for me working out their website and that of the companies they are fixing, making banners and logos stuff like that. This is pretty much what I want to do with my career so I'm really interrested in gaining experience and I was actually really pissed that I had found this job that was perfect right before I left especially with such nice people. Now that I have decided to stay it's like they are family, Rachael is like my girlfriend and I ask her advice about life and we just talk. She's only like 29, she thought I was atleast 23 haha, it always makes me laugh that I look about every age except the age I am. Johana is a beautiful little girl and so smart, I can't imagine I was as smart as she is at her age, I feel like she's my neice or something like that. So, basically where I am going with this is that I am working with some really fabulous people and it's what I want to do, it's design, and then it's application. Plus, I quit the gas station job so life is automatically a lot better.
Also, at this time as I said in the previous entry I had been spending a lot of time with Sam, one of Julians close friends, who I had been planning to spend time with for awhile but it just never happened until right before I was supposed to leave. He is pretty much a hardcore hippie but he is so great. He litteraly MADE me some salve for my new tattoo (more on that later) and since Julian got me sick he went out and bought me like 10 different kinds of organic teas that they make locally and brought this honey that he made. He just makes everything and he volenteers for all this recycling stuff and just cares about everything, which is a refreshing change. Anyway, after that first yoga class and lunch we did I saw him the next day and we did yoga again, went to Laughing Planet for dinner, and to WOW hall for a show. Laughing Planet was bitchen, they had really cool decorations, like these bunny figures that were all decorated with different themes, like crash test dummy and Castro tee hee, and Sam and I talked forever. He is such a good person it kind of makes me feel bad about myself. He's gotten me into the extreme yoga and drinking tea instead of coffee and eating better. He excepts me for who I am but wants me to be better to myself and help me grow. Its really nice. I didn't even think about him romanticly until the second time we went out, after dinner we went to WOW hall where his friend was spinning so we got in, it was kind of a rave/house music/trance show and we danced forever. He's a really awesome dance, which doesn't happen often with men, he knows how to do all the fancy raver stuff that doesn't even make sense to my brain. Later he told me he doesn't always dance like that, like I somehow made him better haha yea right but it was a nice sentiment. Because of the type of music we weren't so much dancing togther as we were danice around eachother within a gaggle of people but towards the end he got closer and closer and we kissed while dancing and it felt just wow... Have you ever heard that a girl can tell exactly where a realationship is going just from the first kiss? I'm a firm believer in that, this feeling was different from anything else I've felt. It wasn't like Presley where I felt just butterflies deep down in my stomach, this was knocking the breath out of me and I just felt this extreme fullness kind of in me whole torso, I guess it was a kind of powerful fondness... It's really hard to explain but it was just astounding to me and surprising. Of course the problem was that I was leaving. There is also something about dancing and kissing and feeling your heart beat to the bass of the music. It's been awhile since I've felt anything like this for someone else, the dating I've done since Presley as a rule has ended quite badly, I didn't know what to do. Sam spent time with me right up until I was supposed to leave, he stayed up all night with me the night of. Albertine, Julian, and Chris all already know and like him so it's not an issue that he was around so much and everybody seems to be really happy that we were spending time together so it was all good. Its rather wonderful really because we are not really 'together' we just mutally see eachother when we want and mutually want to just be together when we can. There aren't strings and neither of us expects the other to do anything in particular. We just are.
Now I'm finally up to Saturday morning, when I was supposed to leave. Chris woke me up at 5:30 when Jeff got to the house to pick me up, I had packed in a fury because I had put it off until the last second so everything was all disorganized and scattered, and besides which it was 5:30 in the morning. So I got dressed in a flash and said goodbye to everyone, and I felt this really aweful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not sick really but just pain, wrongness. Another thing that is hard to explain. So we got to the airport like 30 min before my plane was supposed to leave, and got in line behing a bunch of Asian travelers who didn't speak a word of English and were giving the lady behind the counter a hard time with everything. Apparently, I couldn't be checked in until they got on their way. Long story short, I missed the plane. I went to reschedual and bacause it's such a small airport there wouldn't be another flight until much later so Jeff took me back the Albertines in the mean time. On the way back I just started balling. I was afraid to go back to Ga and start all over again, I had a good job here and a bunch of family and friends and God knows what hell my life will be living with my mom again with all her issues. I miss my dad and brother so much but here there are so many oppurtunities that I don't have back home. There is such a fantastic art scene here and so much inspiration. Sam thinks I stayed mostly for hime, and even to the reader it may seem that way but really I don't think that is true. Even though I am living with my aunt right now, here is brand new and I can make myself into anything. I have too many roots in Ga to be really able to shape myelf. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was telling me that I was doing something wrong and I really feel like people should follow these types of cues. I called my dad to tell him I wanted to stay and he was obviously upset but understood what I was saying I felt awful about it but when I made the decision to stay, the sickness went away. I talk to mom too and she screamed and yelled at me and told me I was breaking my father's heart among a lot of other things, I think now I won't be talking to her for awhile. She does this often with family, she has a disagreement and then doesn't speak to the other person for months/years. I unpacked all my stuff and felt a million times better.
This is another thing that is hard to explain, but my staying here is not about what is here for me, it is more what is not here for me. I have little connections here, it makes me freer. My car and all my material things are not here but this kind of makes me feel like I have more options. Here I am not expected to save the day for everyone, I am not expected to take care of everyone else's buisness. Here all I have is myself and so I take care of myself. I feel wonderful trying to make it on my own and want to do everything I can to make it as something, and then have only myself to thank. I don't want or need anyones help to make myself a success at whatever I want whenever I want and I love it. My parents are kind of unconventional but still they are kind of an opressive force in my life, they are just trying to help most of the time but I need to help myself.
Dear God, this really was a long entry and I still feel like I have so much more to say. I just talked to dad today, he seems to be okay with the situation. He tells me he misses me and I miss him too, but there is so much stress going on there right now with his bankrupsy thing and mom I feel like I need to be where I can be happy. I talk to Alex to and explained what was going on and he understood. He told me about this girl he likes, who is also named Alex (SOOO CUTE!), I told him he should ask her out. I am so glad we can talk about that kind of stuff and that he is not mad at me at all. I talked to him like he was an adult and told him what was going on with me and I think he appreciated that and told me what was going on with him, it was great. I feel just as close to him as ever. As anticipated, mom didn't want to talk to me. I heard her cursing me out in the ackground when dad asked her if she wanted to talk. Whatever, I knew this would happen and if she wants to be immature like that than fuck her too. She's the one who wanted me to come out here in the first place. She's just ridiculous, and I am not surprised. So I just told dad to tell her I love her and miss her and got off the phone. I talked to dad and my brother for over an hour so I felt like I did all I could. Dad ranted to me a bit about his bankrupsy thing, he was telling me how he would only have to pay like 10 cents on the dollar for what he owed, but it would be for the next 5 years. Really, that's pretty good considering he would be under the debt for the rest of his life if he didn't do this.
Enough with the past, we have finally gotten up to the present. Saturday, after my emotional rollercoaster, I unpacked all my stuff and it was a beautiful day out so I went downtown to run some errands, but I didn't make it in time for yoga so I made a spit second decision to go into the parlor tattoo to see about getting another tattoo to kind of commemortate my time in OR and my decision to stay for awhile. Turns out, one of the artists was free so I got my picture drawn up on the spot and got tattooed...here's a picture:
Because it's brand new it looks really fake, promise this isnt a hoax haha. It's on the outside of my left leg.This means a lot of different things to me and every time I look at it I see it as relating to somethine else in my life. First of all, a sparrow represents 5,000 miles traveled over the sea. My grandfather on my mom's side who died years ago was in the navy during WWII and this experience was very important to him, so the bird represents my grandpa and me at the same time, being far away from home but making a difference. Also the bird is flight, its me spreading my wings and trying to discover who I am and who I want to be, besides I've always had an obsession with wings (thus my other tattoo). Cherry blossoms mean different things in different cultures but all the meanings really work for me. For the Chinese the cherry blossom is a very significant symbol of power. Typically it represent a feminine beauty and sexuality and often holds an idea of power or feminine dominance. Within the language of herbs and herbal lore of the Chinese the cherry blossom is often the symbol of love.For the Japanese the cherry blossom holds very different meaning. The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.The fallen cherry blossom is not taken lightly in Japanese symbolism either. It often represents the beauty of snow and there are many connections made in Japanese literature or poetry to a fallen cherry blossom and snow. This also has been extended to the life of a warrior whose life was ended early in battle. Also when I was little and was at Grandma and Grandpa Gene's house all the time they had this beautiful cherry tree in the backyard that we always ate lunch under and climbed, so to me the flower kind of represents childhood and time past. When I went back to NJ last, I went by that house and saw that they had totally redone the house and chopped down the tree, it just shows how you can never go back to the way things were. That's really it about the tattoo but the guy who did it really did a wonderful job and he was really nice. I love the mix of colors especially the orange which I really pushed and he tried to argue with me about because it's not traditional.
Now, real quick before my laptop battery dies and art post, more to come later when I have access to a wall outlet haha.
I know they are all kind of blurry, I'll put better pictures up later.
Keep in mind that I wrote this entry kind of all over today, taking little breaks inbetween to do stuff I had to do so it might seem kind of broken up. Thanks for reading.
<3 Jessi