A long, long time ago.
I worked for Evil!Church as Pastor’s Secretary for two years, 1998-2000. LONGEST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE. But I digress. During that time I was also in charge of the performing arts ministry at the church, and there was one woman in particular who became a good friend of mine, Tanya. She was older, married and had something like 5,687,489 children. Okay, so really she only had 5 boys but it sure felt like 5 million whenever I hung out at her house. And I hung out at her house a lot. We worked closely together on things for the performing arts ministry; put together a lot of production ideas, skits, costumes, etc. Anyway, she became friendly with another woman’s husband and eventually that “friendship” was revealed as adultery, she was branded a jezebel and was “kicked out” of the church. The adulterous husband was not kicked out of the church, OF COURSE NOT, he had a penis and was therefore above reproach. It wasn’t his fault; she lured him in with her breasts and seduced him with the all-powerful VAGINA.
Again, I digress.
Because my entire livelihood was tied into that place, and because I lacked a backbone to stick up for the people I loved, I never spoke to her again. Not because she and another man cheated on their spouses, but because I didn’t want to get into trouble with the church pastors. In fact, I was in trouble already simply through my association with her. I spent several hours in the pastor’s office getting grilled on Tanya’s relationship with that other woman’s husband. I was honestly clueless but they didn’t believe me and I was in hot water for several weeks until the whole thing blew over
Anyway, I had to turn my back on her when she was ostracized to protect myself against getting into further trouble. I wish I could communicate effectively what it was like, what they were like... power hungry, egotistical, controlling, manipulative. I was afraid to take a step out of line because the church was my job, my whole life. Evil!Pastor had convinced me I’d never get hired anywhere else because I was useless. All of my friends, and I mean ALL of my friends, went to that church - if I got kicked out I would have no one. My relationship with my family was rocky, I never saw my dad, hardly spoke to my brother, and fought with my mom more than anything else. Simply put, I was afraid. Afraid to still be Tanya’s friend. So one day I was and the next day I wasn’t and here we are 11 years later and I still regret that decision.
I’ve thought about her often through the years. Of all the relationships that came and went during that period of my life my friendship with her was the one I missed the most and the one I had the greatest amount of guilt over. It was like, when you know you’ve fucked up and you want desperately to apologize to the person you wronged, but you never get the opportunity and then that person dies and you live with that guilt the rest of your life. Except Tanya didn’t die, she just disappeared. By the time I was no longer afraid of being her friend I had no way of getting in touch with her.
Until Facebook.
Magical, mystical Facebook.
Tanya sent me a friend request the other day and I had an honest to goodness physical reaction. Butterflies in my stomach, clammy palms, quickened heart rate. I thought about how she must hate me and how she must have been so mad, so hurt, but what happened. I was almost afraid to accept the request, but I did because it was my opportunity. I could finally apologize for fucking up before anyone died. So I accepted the friend request and I sent her an email, apologizing.
There is so much power in the act of contrition when you really are genuinely sorry. We say “I’m sorry” so much that we forget how important the words really are. They release you from what has been binding you, with or without the other person’s forgiveness. I knew I had to apologize to Tanya, even if I got an “eat shit and die” email in response. So I sent the email and I felt immediately so much better. I did feel like I had been released from 11 years of remorse over something that I was really too young and too naive to have done any differently anyway.
When she emailed me back a few days later she said that SHE was sorry for what she did to ME and that she counted my friendship as a casualty of her mistake and has wanted to apologize to me for years. So now here we are, 11 years later and planning to meet for coffee as soon as I get back from being at NMEDA all next week. As if these past 11 years never happened.
And I’m all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Again, I digress.
Because my entire livelihood was tied into that place, and because I lacked a backbone to stick up for the people I loved, I never spoke to her again. Not because she and another man cheated on their spouses, but because I didn’t want to get into trouble with the church pastors. In fact, I was in trouble already simply through my association with her. I spent several hours in the pastor’s office getting grilled on Tanya’s relationship with that other woman’s husband. I was honestly clueless but they didn’t believe me and I was in hot water for several weeks until the whole thing blew over
Anyway, I had to turn my back on her when she was ostracized to protect myself against getting into further trouble. I wish I could communicate effectively what it was like, what they were like... power hungry, egotistical, controlling, manipulative. I was afraid to take a step out of line because the church was my job, my whole life. Evil!Pastor had convinced me I’d never get hired anywhere else because I was useless. All of my friends, and I mean ALL of my friends, went to that church - if I got kicked out I would have no one. My relationship with my family was rocky, I never saw my dad, hardly spoke to my brother, and fought with my mom more than anything else. Simply put, I was afraid. Afraid to still be Tanya’s friend. So one day I was and the next day I wasn’t and here we are 11 years later and I still regret that decision.
I’ve thought about her often through the years. Of all the relationships that came and went during that period of my life my friendship with her was the one I missed the most and the one I had the greatest amount of guilt over. It was like, when you know you’ve fucked up and you want desperately to apologize to the person you wronged, but you never get the opportunity and then that person dies and you live with that guilt the rest of your life. Except Tanya didn’t die, she just disappeared. By the time I was no longer afraid of being her friend I had no way of getting in touch with her.
Until Facebook.
Magical, mystical Facebook.
Tanya sent me a friend request the other day and I had an honest to goodness physical reaction. Butterflies in my stomach, clammy palms, quickened heart rate. I thought about how she must hate me and how she must have been so mad, so hurt, but what happened. I was almost afraid to accept the request, but I did because it was my opportunity. I could finally apologize for fucking up before anyone died. So I accepted the friend request and I sent her an email, apologizing.
There is so much power in the act of contrition when you really are genuinely sorry. We say “I’m sorry” so much that we forget how important the words really are. They release you from what has been binding you, with or without the other person’s forgiveness. I knew I had to apologize to Tanya, even if I got an “eat shit and die” email in response. So I sent the email and I felt immediately so much better. I did feel like I had been released from 11 years of remorse over something that I was really too young and too naive to have done any differently anyway.
When she emailed me back a few days later she said that SHE was sorry for what she did to ME and that she counted my friendship as a casualty of her mistake and has wanted to apologize to me for years. So now here we are, 11 years later and planning to meet for coffee as soon as I get back from being at NMEDA all next week. As if these past 11 years never happened.
And I’m all warm and fuzzy on the inside.