RE: My recent referendum on Fuckbook
It’s taken me 31 years of life to come to this conclusion, but I am no longer going to let shitty people into my life so they can shit all over me. It’s awfully dirty and disheartening. I’m sick and tired of being the one left behind holding the proverbial bag of shit while the shitty person skips off scot free, seemingly without conscience or regret.
I could sit here and make a list all the times this has happened, who did the shitting and why I’m still hurt from it but that’s what therapy is for, after all. She and I are working through the list one by one. And I’m working on finding closure where closure does not exist and giving forgiveness where forgiveness is not deserved. Since I am not a shitty person things like closure and forgiveness are important to me. I thought they were important to everyone, but time and time again I am proven otherwise. So once I find closure and forgive the shit-heads, I then have to work on LETTING GO. Does anyone understand how hard LETTING GO is? It’s pretty much the hardest part. I like to hold onto the shit, apparently. There are various techniques for letting go. I haven’t tried any of her suggestions yet, because I’ve been a shit collector for so long I have no idea what to do once it’s all gone. But I’m getting there. I will LET GO and once I do I will finally be free from those shitty people, for once and for all.
This new shit-free leaf I have turned over has resulted in a few things. First of all, I spend about 75% of my free time alone. I’d rather be alone than surround myself with the shit, you see. I am getting good at this part, finding ways to fill my time with wonderful books, volunteer work at the Animal Welfare League (cats might shit in a box but overall they are shit-free creatures), homework, exercise (yes, EXERCISE dammit) and a few very select group of friends and family who have (so far) not shit on me in an extreme quantity.
Secondly of all, but along those same lines, I’m not seeking out new friends, acquaintances, or boyfriends. I recently realized that loneliness has made me pathetic. Desperate, even. Desperate for someone, anyone, everyone to fill my social circle without regard to their shit levels. And because of my poor choices of friends, acquaintances and boyfriends I have bags of shit all around me. So fuck them. Fuck those friends, acquaintances and boyfriends who have come into my life and left nothing behind but shit. I don’t need them. Not when I have people (wonderful, loving, shit-free people) in my life who haven’t ever left me with anything other than bags of love and support.
Thirdly, it is my goal to focus on those bags of love and support over the next few months while I officiate at my brother’s wedding (yes, just like Joey on Friends - I’m going to get “ordained” online), undergo a myomectomy and month-long recovery, graduate from college and move on with my life. Those bags of love and support are all I need to get through this strange period of transition in my life. And once this strange period of transition is over, once I’m fibroid (and possibly uterus) free and done with school… well, I guess I don’t really know. Hopefully I have a new life awaiting me somewhere. Somewhere else. Somewhere less shitty.
I could sit here and make a list all the times this has happened, who did the shitting and why I’m still hurt from it but that’s what therapy is for, after all. She and I are working through the list one by one. And I’m working on finding closure where closure does not exist and giving forgiveness where forgiveness is not deserved. Since I am not a shitty person things like closure and forgiveness are important to me. I thought they were important to everyone, but time and time again I am proven otherwise. So once I find closure and forgive the shit-heads, I then have to work on LETTING GO. Does anyone understand how hard LETTING GO is? It’s pretty much the hardest part. I like to hold onto the shit, apparently. There are various techniques for letting go. I haven’t tried any of her suggestions yet, because I’ve been a shit collector for so long I have no idea what to do once it’s all gone. But I’m getting there. I will LET GO and once I do I will finally be free from those shitty people, for once and for all.
This new shit-free leaf I have turned over has resulted in a few things. First of all, I spend about 75% of my free time alone. I’d rather be alone than surround myself with the shit, you see. I am getting good at this part, finding ways to fill my time with wonderful books, volunteer work at the Animal Welfare League (cats might shit in a box but overall they are shit-free creatures), homework, exercise (yes, EXERCISE dammit) and a few very select group of friends and family who have (so far) not shit on me in an extreme quantity.
Secondly of all, but along those same lines, I’m not seeking out new friends, acquaintances, or boyfriends. I recently realized that loneliness has made me pathetic. Desperate, even. Desperate for someone, anyone, everyone to fill my social circle without regard to their shit levels. And because of my poor choices of friends, acquaintances and boyfriends I have bags of shit all around me. So fuck them. Fuck those friends, acquaintances and boyfriends who have come into my life and left nothing behind but shit. I don’t need them. Not when I have people (wonderful, loving, shit-free people) in my life who haven’t ever left me with anything other than bags of love and support.
Thirdly, it is my goal to focus on those bags of love and support over the next few months while I officiate at my brother’s wedding (yes, just like Joey on Friends - I’m going to get “ordained” online), undergo a myomectomy and month-long recovery, graduate from college and move on with my life. Those bags of love and support are all I need to get through this strange period of transition in my life. And once this strange period of transition is over, once I’m fibroid (and possibly uterus) free and done with school… well, I guess I don’t really know. Hopefully I have a new life awaiting me somewhere. Somewhere else. Somewhere less shitty.