you think i can get away with not being me for awhile?
well i think it's been a minute since my last update...and sorry, but this isn't going to be happy and fun and full of laughter...cuz that's how it goes...lately i haven't really been feeling like myself...it feels like there's something missing in my life, and i'm not 100% sure what that something is, but i've got a pretty good idea...and there are things i could possibly do to ammend the situation, however, seeing as how i'm me, these things aren't exactly feasible...i'm so passive-aggressive it's ridiculous...and shy...that too...have you ever felt like crying but you can't? cuz that's the point i'm at now...all the time i feel like i'm about to break down in tears but it doesn't happen...i can't really explain that part of it...it's weird...and i don't like it...i hate crying...i feel so weak when it happens, like i have no control over anything and i'm just this little pathetic thing wasting time and energy on an emotion that has no place in my life...and i shouldn't be sad or lonely or disappointed or discontent...i really shouldn't...i feel like there are so many positive things in my life right now that i should't be complaining about anything...but that god damn void is still there, and it sucks...a lot...i fucking hate it...and everywhere around me, everywhere i go, there's laughter and joy and exuberance and i try to be a part of it, i really do, but still i feel like i'm standing outside it, that i'm just a spectator of it all...and it's not like i feel like i can really talk to anyone about it, cuz i'll feel like an idiot...and i don't want to seem like i'm trying to throw myself a pity-party, which inevitably is how i feel anytime i talk about anything negative that i'm thinking or feeling or going through...and i hate to complain to people about anything, cuz that's just stupid...i guess posting something about it all is my way of dealing, cuz then if people don't want to know about it, they can just stop reading and i don't have to actually deal with anybody or anything...that's just a side-note though...plus, the one person that i used to talk to about everything has kind of disappeared from my life...not physically really, but pretty much...which is fine i guess...people need their own lives and they have their own problems and their own agendas and their own daily struggles for normalcy or whatever you want to call it...and it's all a comfort thing anyway...i don't honestly know how comfortable i'll ever be just randomly bringing up my emotions with other people...not when it gets really personal and i have to make myself vulnerable...that's a thought that's almost too much to bear...and sometimes it feels like i've used up all the words that i have in me...like talking to people is empty and hollow, like there's nothing there anymore to connect me to anyone else...like i'm empty...i don't think that in the written form the context that i mean that in is very clear, but i still felt the need to say it...and lately, the one phrase that just keeps playing over and over again in my head is something that i've heard from people for a long time but never really bought into or put much thought into until now...that i'm broken...and now that i take the time to think about it, maybe there is some truth to that...maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me that needs to be fixed...if enough people observe it and vocalize it, there has to be some kind of honesty to it...right? and maybe my perspective on my brokenness is something that no one else has ever noticed or thought of, but i think it's still there...deep down, maybe i am lacking something that everyone else just innately has...i guess that would explain a lot...or maybe i'm just making excuses for myself, trying to make it seem like it's completely out of my control when in fact it's something that i've done to myself...i don't know...but something is definitely missing in my life...and that's the whole point of all of this..."Believe me, every man has his secrets sorrows which the world knows not - and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad."