so then that happened...
so talking with my girl tonight, just moments ago, spurred some thoughts...things that i've been trying not to think about really, because if i did then i would get a little upest by it...but thought about them, got upset, decided to write...so here we go...you know, i'm not an extremely trusting or public person, so when i decide to share things that are going on in my life with people who have expressed an interest in knowing, i kind of expect an understanding mind on that person's behalf...especially when that has been pretty much guaranteed by said person...so when i share and then get called a bitch and told, basically, how horrible of a person that i am, do you really think that i'm going to want to talk to you about future things? i mean, honestly, when you come at me with shit like that, do you think that's going to make me more willing to be open with you? and if you don't know, then the answer to that is no...i don't need to hear from my close friends how fucked up i am...i already know this, and i've already heard this plenty of times from other people...so when i come to you asking for advice and help and all i get is you passing judgement on me, then i'm done with you...things go like so when that happens: i pull back and begin to distance myself from you...because i don't need another voice in my head second-guessing who i am and if i am in fact a decent human being...it's taken me a long time to get to the point where i'm okay with the person that i am, and it is a fragile bubble this image that i have created for myself...however, in case you are reading this and thinking that it applies to you, there is one redeeming facet for you: i am an extremely forgiving person if i do say so myself, and i whole-heartedly believe in second chances...so for future reference, you may be tested, so to speak...i'll start slipping in little things and then evaluate how you respond...if i decide that you are reliable, then i'll be happy to let you know how things REALLY are with me...if not, then all you're going to get is bullshit...i'll go ahead and apologize now if this is harsh or brutal or, haha, bitchy, but too bad...this is how i operate, deal with it...so just in case you didn't know any of this before, consider yourself informed..."Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself."