part 2 of the below
internet has been down, wrote part 1 about two hours ago, this was just now:
i hate being this person. i thought i'd killed him.
running. hiding. dying a thousand deaths.
high school. freshman year. woke up late. too embarassed to show up late, tardy slips were a bitch to get so i just cut. next day, too embarassed to come in. 3 weeks later, still hadn't been to school. open house night. barricaded myself in my room. mom was pissed.
i hate this time of year, i revert and i become this person i hated being and it all comes flooding back
i ended up missing over half of the year's school days. good times. i never did finish high school. ferris bueller got nothing on me.
hiding in my room right now, they came home
(flashback) hiding in the apartment, police car outside, bored officer assigned to collect me and take me to school. 15 minutes later, he leaves. white knuckled tension, afraid to even breathe hard. this happens maybe five times before they get the hint that i wasn't going to go. i couldn't go. i woke up late and didn't have time to wash my hair, can't go to school with dirty hair.
lying in bed. familiar yet odd balloon-like sensation. i have been trying to pin down an apt description for years, the sensation is always fleeting. but i have it nailed, just now.
i have my arms across my stomach, but to my stomach it doesn't feel like my arms and to my arms it doesn't feel like my stomach. i know i am touching something and am being touched but the two aren't clicking in my head that they are the same thing from two angles. its not numbness of any sort, more like an extreme lack of proprioception. this isn't my body, those aren't my arms, but here we are.
wake up late for work. miss three days. lost all but my current job this way. they tolerated that crap for five years at one job before they fired me. another, only once.
i thought this person died during the Restructuring, but his ghost keeps haunting me.
i hate being this person. i thought i'd killed him.
running. hiding. dying a thousand deaths.
high school. freshman year. woke up late. too embarassed to show up late, tardy slips were a bitch to get so i just cut. next day, too embarassed to come in. 3 weeks later, still hadn't been to school. open house night. barricaded myself in my room. mom was pissed.
i hate this time of year, i revert and i become this person i hated being and it all comes flooding back
i ended up missing over half of the year's school days. good times. i never did finish high school. ferris bueller got nothing on me.
hiding in my room right now, they came home
(flashback) hiding in the apartment, police car outside, bored officer assigned to collect me and take me to school. 15 minutes later, he leaves. white knuckled tension, afraid to even breathe hard. this happens maybe five times before they get the hint that i wasn't going to go. i couldn't go. i woke up late and didn't have time to wash my hair, can't go to school with dirty hair.
lying in bed. familiar yet odd balloon-like sensation. i have been trying to pin down an apt description for years, the sensation is always fleeting. but i have it nailed, just now.
i have my arms across my stomach, but to my stomach it doesn't feel like my arms and to my arms it doesn't feel like my stomach. i know i am touching something and am being touched but the two aren't clicking in my head that they are the same thing from two angles. its not numbness of any sort, more like an extreme lack of proprioception. this isn't my body, those aren't my arms, but here we are.
wake up late for work. miss three days. lost all but my current job this way. they tolerated that crap for five years at one job before they fired me. another, only once.
i thought this person died during the Restructuring, but his ghost keeps haunting me.