Hanging On For Dear Life...
Last Sunday, I went with Rens and his bandmates for some jam session. I was their official "photographer" and "videographer" for the said session. It was really nice and the they are fun to be with. I don't know but I tend to be more comfortable being with guys. Maybe I'm supposed to be just like them. Haha! I had a lot of fun. :) Guys are so cool to hang out with. :P
After that, I had the urge to go to *his* place... I missed him a lot. I called him and good thing, Rens' house was slightly near his place. I went off the jeepney and started going to his place. The moment I saw him, I felt relieved and I felt safe. I don't know why...
I wanted to watch My Boyfriend's Back with him... We were supposed to do that days before the breakup but the plan never pushed through. We finally watched the movie together but not as a couple... But as two complete strangers. It was as if the breakup never happened with the way he was acting and treating me. It's so hard. I couldn't even talk properly because of that.
I nearly cried towards the movie's conclusion. I tried my best not to cry in front of him. I did, I succeeded but he said something that made me cry my eyes out. "Andito lang ako palagi..."
I don't know why I cried so much just by hearing him say those words. Maybe it was all because he was not there for me when he penned those entries... Maybe I was having another strong gush of pain in my heart. The wounds I have for him would never heal if he's always around, doing things like that. I know I should remove him as a contact from my social networking site but I couldn't do it. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I still want us to reconcile. Or maybe not...
I cry whenever I think about him. It's so hard. It's as if everything's related to him. Every single bit, it's like having him beside me... It haunts me but I feel at peace. I have lots of love for him. I just don't know where to put all those... I don't know if I should give that love away or if I should just keep it to myself and give that to myself... I don'r know what to do. I'm asking God what's the best thing to do for now... I want to recover from this big tragedy...
Maybe I am still holding on for dear life...