Mar 14, 2004 18:34
Today has been a very boring day. One of those days where you just sit around doing nothing, watching the minutes slip away, thinking of all the things you could and should be doing.
Today's also one of those days where I really wished I had a car, just so I could ride around aimlessly, and stop at whomever's house I wanted to, if only just to chat for a few minutes. It is while I was thinking that though, that I realized I missed what I used to have.
I miss living by someone I could call my best friend. In grade school before I moved, I lived no more than one block away from Jen, who was my best friend at the time, although sadly now we haven't talked in about three or four years. I liked how things were then. Whenever I got bored, I would just simply walk to her house. Even if she couldn't hang out, or wasn't home, I was still content knowing that she was there close to me. Now however, It just isn't possible. I live in a small town, which has it's pros and cons. The con being that the majority of my friends live at least a mile away, and that there are maybe 15 people my age living in it.
I just wish that right now, I could have a friend who lived near enough that I could just show up at their doorstep. Everything I do now always has to have some degree of planning, a few days in advance usually, or it won't happen. We can't just go " Hey I want to do something today.". We always need a purpose to do something, or else sometimes it seems worthless doing it. Not to me, but the other poepl involved in it. I don't know if it's just me, but I am perfectly content just sitting in relative silence watching tv, or a movie. This makes me a boring person to most people, but I really don't care. I'm a quiet person and my few friends know that, or at least, I'm hoping they've picked up on it after god knows how long I've known some of them.
I hate not having a car though, because then it always boils down to whether or not parents will agree to my plans of what I want to do. I hate having my social life being determined by someone else. Usually by my parents standards it means that I get to hang out with my friends maybe once a week. I'm grateful for that time I do get to spend with my friends, but sometimes I wish for more. I guess I'm a greedy person like that. Because my time with my friends seems so limited, that makes it feel like we HAVE to be doing something while we're together. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing myself to do whatever they want to, when all I would really want to do is just sit, and let my mind wander, content in just knowing I was around people who liked me, feeling secure and comforted.
Instead of course, somehow drama is always created. I'm being to think that a few of my friends just live for drama. I use the term friends loosely here, as it applies to both my closest friends to people who I talk to a few times a day. Just always around me, It always seems like I have someone mad at someone else, usually over the most stupid things. But again, at this point, I am semi-guilty. Occasionally I'll let my little pet peeves creep up on me, in which case I get irritated with my friends. But it's never to the point that these people get. The threats to end friendship, the badmouthing, the getting everyone involved thing, yeah, it's just not my thing. I'll be annoyed for a short period of time, usually never more than an hour or so, and I'll cool off about it. Usually I'd probably be over it faster than that, except people tend to bring it up if they realize I'm not my normal stupid self. I keep to myself for the most part, and very rarely tell people what's bothering me. If I do, then whoever hears it is a lucky person, because I have deemed them worthy of my trust. I don't like what I say being spread around. I get paranoid about it, seeing as there are so many people that I know dislike me.
But my paranoia is a whole different story altogether, basically all boiling down to the fact that I have a constant desire for people to like me. Which agains goes back to the fact that I just wished I knew I had someone always around me. It's all just another part of my non-existent life that I'll just sit and wait for the finish. It all happens sooner or later I suppose. Just like the end of this long entry, which was all really inspired by the fact that no one's online. Well, no one's online except someone who's away watching a movie, which made me wish I could just go watch it with him, just to be with someone.