On my being a "good domme"
I'm not going to make any blanket statements about what makes a good domme or a bad domme. To be frank, I'm far too new at this to know - and even if I felt I had the experience to back it up, I wouldn't feel okay telling people what's right or wrong in their own relationships.
Rather, these are my thoughts on something I did this weekend.
Quick history: buttslut and I have been together now for about 10 months, quite a stretch for him. I think we're wonderful together; often, he does, too.
However, when he visits family, he tends to get stressed about our relationship. Maybe it's because he sees good, "normal" relationships and wants one; maybe it's because he knows he won't ever be able to easily introduce me to them. Maybe - heck, I'm not going to guess. One way or another, every time he visits them, he comes back ready to challenge this relationship that we have, stress it to the breaking point. Usually, though, he has no idea it's happening.
This time, he went to his sister's wedding. When he came back, he told me that it had only solidified for him how much he wants to be with me. Imagine how happy I was! Then...
We're planning a trip together soon, to a city he knows and I don't. Late last week, he talked to a woman he roomed with and later slept with there, and he made tentative plans to spend alone time with her. When he told me, I was surprised, since we'd agreed this would be our trip, but he'd understood it differently.
So, we talked, and there was an honest misunderstanding. That's reasonable; such things can happen. So we agree that we should keep this as our trip. He says he's okay...but here's where things start to shift, and he starts pushing. Eventually, after several such instances, I call him on it - and this leads to all-out nastiness on his part.
Last night, I really worked to try and make things okay between us. We talked, and I would honestly feel like we'd get to a good place where he was okay - and then he'd throw in another verbal barb. Again, and again, until finally I had to put my foot down.
I told him not to speak to me again until he can provide me with three good reasons to continue building this relationship, reasons that did not have to do with the benefits he got from me. And that's where we left it. He went to sleep, I sat on the couch and later pretended to sleep, and now...it's a waiting game.
Here's the thing: I think, to do right by him, I had to do this. I had pointed out his behavior to him, asked him to consider it and stop it, and reminded him that he was crossing boundaries we had set together in this relationship. When we talked about what we wanted from this relationship, he said he wanted to be called out when he was acting out, and that he wanted consequences for such acting out. So - I laid down consequences, and I required remuneration for his transgressions (also part of what he asked for). When I told him he wasn't to speak to me again until he had three reasons, I also reminded him that this was the deal we had struck, that this was what he had asked of me so he could feel right in this relationship.
Honestly, though, I feel terrible. I'm emotionally exhausted and heart-hurt, and it's hard to be the big, strong one when I feel like that. My inner self is reeling from the sudden shift in his behavior and desperately wants comfort. I worry that I'm doing too little, too late - that I let him act out longer than I should have. I fear that all I've done is fueled his concern that this "not-normal" relationship isn't acceptable. And I'm really afraid that, out of sheer inertia or outright stubbornness, he simply won't do what I asked...and I'll never hear from him again.
All these feelings together make me question if I'm being a "good domme" here. It sure as hell doesn't feel good; I feel, in fact, rather cruel and demanding, even though I can look back and honestly say that I did not act cruelly, and I believe I was clear without demanding too much. But then - how can I know what's too much? How do I know where the line is between being strong and principled and being too demanding and just an outright bitch?
At times like these, I really wish I had a circle of lifestyle people with whom I could sit down and talk, try to sort out how I'm feeling. A few people from past events have been kind enough to offer to talk to me if I need it, and I appreciate that, but I'm still trying to work out what there even is to talk about, and I'm a bit apprehensive about presenting myself to them when I feel so confused and...well, weak. I mean, if I'm weak, I can't possibly be a "good domme," right? Okay - I know that's a silly statement, but the feeling is nevertheless present.
Enough. I'll go to lunch, then see if I can settle into some work. Time not thinking about my worries could be really, really helpful. Thoughts, too, would be most certainly welcome.
Rather, these are my thoughts on something I did this weekend.
Quick history: buttslut and I have been together now for about 10 months, quite a stretch for him. I think we're wonderful together; often, he does, too.
However, when he visits family, he tends to get stressed about our relationship. Maybe it's because he sees good, "normal" relationships and wants one; maybe it's because he knows he won't ever be able to easily introduce me to them. Maybe - heck, I'm not going to guess. One way or another, every time he visits them, he comes back ready to challenge this relationship that we have, stress it to the breaking point. Usually, though, he has no idea it's happening.
This time, he went to his sister's wedding. When he came back, he told me that it had only solidified for him how much he wants to be with me. Imagine how happy I was! Then...
We're planning a trip together soon, to a city he knows and I don't. Late last week, he talked to a woman he roomed with and later slept with there, and he made tentative plans to spend alone time with her. When he told me, I was surprised, since we'd agreed this would be our trip, but he'd understood it differently.
So, we talked, and there was an honest misunderstanding. That's reasonable; such things can happen. So we agree that we should keep this as our trip. He says he's okay...but here's where things start to shift, and he starts pushing. Eventually, after several such instances, I call him on it - and this leads to all-out nastiness on his part.
Last night, I really worked to try and make things okay between us. We talked, and I would honestly feel like we'd get to a good place where he was okay - and then he'd throw in another verbal barb. Again, and again, until finally I had to put my foot down.
I told him not to speak to me again until he can provide me with three good reasons to continue building this relationship, reasons that did not have to do with the benefits he got from me. And that's where we left it. He went to sleep, I sat on the couch and later pretended to sleep, and now...it's a waiting game.
Here's the thing: I think, to do right by him, I had to do this. I had pointed out his behavior to him, asked him to consider it and stop it, and reminded him that he was crossing boundaries we had set together in this relationship. When we talked about what we wanted from this relationship, he said he wanted to be called out when he was acting out, and that he wanted consequences for such acting out. So - I laid down consequences, and I required remuneration for his transgressions (also part of what he asked for). When I told him he wasn't to speak to me again until he had three reasons, I also reminded him that this was the deal we had struck, that this was what he had asked of me so he could feel right in this relationship.
Honestly, though, I feel terrible. I'm emotionally exhausted and heart-hurt, and it's hard to be the big, strong one when I feel like that. My inner self is reeling from the sudden shift in his behavior and desperately wants comfort. I worry that I'm doing too little, too late - that I let him act out longer than I should have. I fear that all I've done is fueled his concern that this "not-normal" relationship isn't acceptable. And I'm really afraid that, out of sheer inertia or outright stubbornness, he simply won't do what I asked...and I'll never hear from him again.
All these feelings together make me question if I'm being a "good domme" here. It sure as hell doesn't feel good; I feel, in fact, rather cruel and demanding, even though I can look back and honestly say that I did not act cruelly, and I believe I was clear without demanding too much. But then - how can I know what's too much? How do I know where the line is between being strong and principled and being too demanding and just an outright bitch?
At times like these, I really wish I had a circle of lifestyle people with whom I could sit down and talk, try to sort out how I'm feeling. A few people from past events have been kind enough to offer to talk to me if I need it, and I appreciate that, but I'm still trying to work out what there even is to talk about, and I'm a bit apprehensive about presenting myself to them when I feel so confused and...well, weak. I mean, if I'm weak, I can't possibly be a "good domme," right? Okay - I know that's a silly statement, but the feeling is nevertheless present.
Enough. I'll go to lunch, then see if I can settle into some work. Time not thinking about my worries could be really, really helpful. Thoughts, too, would be most certainly welcome.