2006 was a doozie
This past year has been one of profound realizations, a coming to terms with myself that I did not realize I needed so badly.
Looking back now, I can see how much I buried with my first husband when he died over a decade ago. I cut myself off from many of my own feelings - out of guilt, perhaps, or shame, or…well, it doesn’t really matter why. What matters is that I took great portions of my personality that were just beginning to develop, and I buried them deep.
These were parts of me I did not want to face, the parts that were not “normal,” that made me unlike “proper” wives and girlfriends should be. For example, I have always been driven, and I think I believed deep down, after his death, that my drive to finish school took away from my connection to my first husband. I didn’t know it consciously, though, and I’m only now beginning to realize how much guilt I’ve carried for doing well - and how much I’ve sabotaged myself at times for it.
That’s only the tip of the iceberg, though. I started with the easy bit; the harder parts to deal with are far more personal. My first husband and I, about two months before his death, started talking about possibly seeing other people - staying with each other, mind you, but still…branching out. We were married young, and curious, and both had desires the other couldn’t fulfill. He was interested in men, for example, and I felt a strong desire to play out some domination fantasies...
We talked about it all, agreed on it all, but I was the only one who actually acted on it before he died - about a week, in fact, before.
When he died, I buried those desires with him, and I didn’t even realize it. I buried more, too - thoughts and feelings from the philosophical to the sexual, anything that reminded me of the relationship we had and we could have had together. Then, I forgot I ever had them; I hid them all in some dank closet, then walled the closet over.
Surprisingly, over the past year, that door has been thrown wide open. Several things have happened to make it possible. I started playing privately with my submissive; I lost a long-term relationship, but the friendship survived; my husband began planning a commitment ceremony with another; I found another person with whom I am willing to be dominant.
None of these things probably sound like realizations if you’ve been reading my journal, but they all are - with the blossoming of my relationship with my submissive, I came to accept that I am poly, that my boyfriend/husband situation wasn’t just a “fluke.” I’ve also begun to accept the potential transitory nature of that relationship; he’s in college, and will eventually move, and I will not have the same relationship with him when he does. In the past, I would simply have avoided any entanglements, since I knew an end was coming; now, I’m opening up to accepting love that is given to me, even if it can only be given for a while.
With my ex-boyfriend’s leaving, I realized I could let someone go and be happy about it, even if the happiness includes twinges of loss. I was not at all certain that, given my sometimes possessive and needy nature, I would be able to do so. I trust myself more now for it, and trust that relationships can end (or change radically) amicably and with respect to the past and future.
With my husband’s ceremony planned and a date set, I’ve come to realize how wonderful sharing him feels to me. That’s not all altruism, to be honest; part of it is pride in knowing that he returns to me, that he stays with me. (Everybody wants my husband!) But knowing he can make a commitment to another in service and love and still come home to me, and that I’m not only not jealous but actually happy about it…that’s wonderful. And I’m thrilled that his domme is open to it; I admire and appreciate her so much.
Finally - and perhaps most surprisingly - this year has proven to me how much D/s is a part of me. I’ve attended conferences for the first time, begun my first real D/s relationship, struggled with worries, fought with instinct, and come back to understanding that, honestly, I feel more whole, more me, when I can act on my feelings of dominance. There’s more to that, but I need to sort it in my head before I can say more.
So - this has been a year of realizations. I’m cleaning out closets, finding pieces of me I had forgotten existed. It’s scary and exciting, and scary again, but I’m not going to stop now. The doors are open; I don’t want to let them close again.
Looking back now, I can see how much I buried with my first husband when he died over a decade ago. I cut myself off from many of my own feelings - out of guilt, perhaps, or shame, or…well, it doesn’t really matter why. What matters is that I took great portions of my personality that were just beginning to develop, and I buried them deep.
These were parts of me I did not want to face, the parts that were not “normal,” that made me unlike “proper” wives and girlfriends should be. For example, I have always been driven, and I think I believed deep down, after his death, that my drive to finish school took away from my connection to my first husband. I didn’t know it consciously, though, and I’m only now beginning to realize how much guilt I’ve carried for doing well - and how much I’ve sabotaged myself at times for it.
That’s only the tip of the iceberg, though. I started with the easy bit; the harder parts to deal with are far more personal. My first husband and I, about two months before his death, started talking about possibly seeing other people - staying with each other, mind you, but still…branching out. We were married young, and curious, and both had desires the other couldn’t fulfill. He was interested in men, for example, and I felt a strong desire to play out some domination fantasies...
We talked about it all, agreed on it all, but I was the only one who actually acted on it before he died - about a week, in fact, before.
When he died, I buried those desires with him, and I didn’t even realize it. I buried more, too - thoughts and feelings from the philosophical to the sexual, anything that reminded me of the relationship we had and we could have had together. Then, I forgot I ever had them; I hid them all in some dank closet, then walled the closet over.
Surprisingly, over the past year, that door has been thrown wide open. Several things have happened to make it possible. I started playing privately with my submissive; I lost a long-term relationship, but the friendship survived; my husband began planning a commitment ceremony with another; I found another person with whom I am willing to be dominant.
None of these things probably sound like realizations if you’ve been reading my journal, but they all are - with the blossoming of my relationship with my submissive, I came to accept that I am poly, that my boyfriend/husband situation wasn’t just a “fluke.” I’ve also begun to accept the potential transitory nature of that relationship; he’s in college, and will eventually move, and I will not have the same relationship with him when he does. In the past, I would simply have avoided any entanglements, since I knew an end was coming; now, I’m opening up to accepting love that is given to me, even if it can only be given for a while.
With my ex-boyfriend’s leaving, I realized I could let someone go and be happy about it, even if the happiness includes twinges of loss. I was not at all certain that, given my sometimes possessive and needy nature, I would be able to do so. I trust myself more now for it, and trust that relationships can end (or change radically) amicably and with respect to the past and future.
With my husband’s ceremony planned and a date set, I’ve come to realize how wonderful sharing him feels to me. That’s not all altruism, to be honest; part of it is pride in knowing that he returns to me, that he stays with me. (Everybody wants my husband!) But knowing he can make a commitment to another in service and love and still come home to me, and that I’m not only not jealous but actually happy about it…that’s wonderful. And I’m thrilled that his domme is open to it; I admire and appreciate her so much.
Finally - and perhaps most surprisingly - this year has proven to me how much D/s is a part of me. I’ve attended conferences for the first time, begun my first real D/s relationship, struggled with worries, fought with instinct, and come back to understanding that, honestly, I feel more whole, more me, when I can act on my feelings of dominance. There’s more to that, but I need to sort it in my head before I can say more.
So - this has been a year of realizations. I’m cleaning out closets, finding pieces of me I had forgotten existed. It’s scary and exciting, and scary again, but I’m not going to stop now. The doors are open; I don’t want to let them close again.