Update on new situation
My boyfriend has settled on moving out at the end of the year. My husband and I are refinancing the house - just us.
We also talked - all of us, then the boyfriend and me. I asked him to tell me his reasons for leaving, which he didn't want to do at first. Once I assured him I wouldn't take it as an attack, he said the following:
1. He felt controlled by me. He knew that I wasn't being controlling and that he, in fact, had all the freedom that he wanted, but he still felt it.
2. He did not want to live his life "by committee."
3. He did not feel he was an equal in my relationships. I spent equal time with him, made decisions with him involved as much as my husband, and did many other things to make him feel equal, all of which he acknowledged...but it didn't change how he felt.
Strangely enough, after all this, I wonder if I am actually more comfortable being polyamorous than he is.
My counselor suggested that he may look at what my husband and I have - which is really, really good, by the way - and find that he wants a chance at it. He has that chance, I think, with his new girlfriend, but maybe not if I'm still here. If it's true, I do want him to have the chance. I already miss him horribly, even though he still lives here, but - I want him to be happy. If leaving gives him a chance at happiness, then he should go.
I can't help noticing the space he's vacating, though. I want to be happy for him and his new woman, but...I'm hurt and sad at the same time.
What it comes down to, though, is this: I want him to be happy. When he's happy, maybe we can be close again. Not "dating," but close - as friends. I hope so. I really don't want to lose him completely.
And on a slightly different note: I think this is the first time in my life that I've really, really accepted that I'm poly, and it's real, and it's okay.
We also talked - all of us, then the boyfriend and me. I asked him to tell me his reasons for leaving, which he didn't want to do at first. Once I assured him I wouldn't take it as an attack, he said the following:
1. He felt controlled by me. He knew that I wasn't being controlling and that he, in fact, had all the freedom that he wanted, but he still felt it.
2. He did not want to live his life "by committee."
3. He did not feel he was an equal in my relationships. I spent equal time with him, made decisions with him involved as much as my husband, and did many other things to make him feel equal, all of which he acknowledged...but it didn't change how he felt.
Strangely enough, after all this, I wonder if I am actually more comfortable being polyamorous than he is.
My counselor suggested that he may look at what my husband and I have - which is really, really good, by the way - and find that he wants a chance at it. He has that chance, I think, with his new girlfriend, but maybe not if I'm still here. If it's true, I do want him to have the chance. I already miss him horribly, even though he still lives here, but - I want him to be happy. If leaving gives him a chance at happiness, then he should go.
I can't help noticing the space he's vacating, though. I want to be happy for him and his new woman, but...I'm hurt and sad at the same time.
What it comes down to, though, is this: I want him to be happy. When he's happy, maybe we can be close again. Not "dating," but close - as friends. I hope so. I really don't want to lose him completely.
And on a slightly different note: I think this is the first time in my life that I've really, really accepted that I'm poly, and it's real, and it's okay.