on masochism, babies, college parties, and goodbyes
We all have defining moments in our lives- those days where everything seems to fall into place. You know who you are, what you're doing, and why you're doing it. These moments of intense challenge and emotional avalanches seem to build you up as much as they tear you down. As humans, we're constantly trying to find out why we are here, and piecing these little photographs of truth seem to make the big picture easier to see. This past week was one of those weeks when defining moments decided to blindside me left and right. Every day seemed to hold a new physical, emotional, or mental challenge, helping me to learn more about myself, and making it absolutely impossible to find a second to blog.
Welcome back? I think this leave of absense is some sort of record for me. Actually, I attempted a really awesome post, but livejournal didn't see it fit to actually work and deleted a very long, reflective post. So, you're stuck with this long laundry list.
If you know me at all, you're probably aware of my slightly masochistic nature. I don't think all that highly of myself, tend to have issues asking for help, and rarely can accept or believe a compliment or praise. Nothing, I think, really tops the state I was in last weekend during staff auditions for next year's marching band. Of course, I probably don't have to tell you that Blocks of Death, Rooms of Doom, and waiting around for hours and hours can have severe effects on your nerves. I found out on Monday that I'd be returning to the position of section leader without Ashley- news that truly made me realize how much I rely on her for sanity. So, Ashley, thank you for keeping me upright last season.
On Tuesday and Thursday, I worked in the Nursery during my first part of my OB clinical rotation. One of the most magical parts of nursing school (or college for that matter), is that you go into it thinking you might want to go into one thing and you come out wanting something completely different. My day with the detoxing baby was one of those magical moments. Even in the midst of his tremors and sad little cries and gags, I got a feeling that said, "this might be where you should be." That week, I also saw my first circumcision (at least up to the point that I felt light-headed- you would, too!), gave my first shot (to a baby), became an expert and teacher at heel sticks, and took care of tons of babies who were a mere four hours old. To top it off, the nurse I was working with told my instructor that I had really impressed her and that I knew my stuff. My instructor followed up her compliment with a comment about how well I had taught a classmate. After playing the clarinet for eleven years, I feel like I know what I'm doing to the point of comfort and psuedo-confidence. After a grand total of six months of learning nursing, I still feel like such a "n00b," it's hard for me not to stress out about screwing up. I still feel so very self-conscious and worried. Getting positive feedback from nurses who think I'm on the right path is one of the best gifts I've ever been given. Period.
Yesterday, it happened again. After a day of running around, changing wet beds, trying to get condom catheters to stay on their designated penises, moving sick men, and attempting to please every one of my nurses and get bed baths done while still not knowing half the things I am assigned to do, I was left exhausted and uptight. Thankfully, a nurse who I didn't think was my biggest fan made sure I knew that she had appreciate all my hard work. "You worked your butt of today," she said. "Good attitude."
Following work, I rejected my original plan to be a hermit and decided that being an actual college student was the better option. Who needs sleep when you've got friends, an ID that is proof of your 21 years of age, and a friend of a friend's house stocked up with cheap beer, ping pong balls, and dancin' music. Of course, at any good college party, you've got "college" boys trying to pick you up. And it went a lil like this:
"College" Boy: I'm Captain Morgan*
Me: Nice to meetchya, Captain Morgan. I'm Lindsay. So, are you one of the optics majors?
Captain Morgan: Now, why would you say that?
Me: You're at an optics major party.
CM: Ah. No, I've already graduated.
Me: Oh yeah? What do you do?
CM: I got my Associates and I'm working as a mechanic...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Me: I'm too picky and elitist and decide automatically that our relationship is over.
CM: What do you do?
Me: I'm a nursing student.
CM: Oh, cool! So are you going to do more school after this or be an RA?
Me: Oh, Christ. It's a fucking RN, you idiot. Registered Nurse. Not Registered Asshole. Although, they may have RMs. As in Registered Morons. Blah, blah, blah. Why am I still talking to you? Blah, blah, blah.
Nevertheless, spending an evening with a buzz and some old and new friends was extremely satisfying- even if it got me into bed after 2am.
That's my week in a nutshell- hope it wasn't too boring. Laundry lists suck, but after you've been gone for over a week, what else are you supposed to do?
And, because Friday was THE day, I'm writing you a letter.
Dearest Kelvin,
About nine months ago, you came into my life. I needed a job and for some reason I thought that babysitting would be a great idea. I took care of your sister, too, but it was mostly you. It really wasn't easy at first. You gave me a really hard time, but I guess I can't blame you. You were (and still are) really attached to your dad, and kids your age have issues with separation anxiety. But, seriously, I almost quit- a job at Sauce would be 10x easier than taking care of a kid who screamed every time he saw me. Midsummer, I tried, but your parents want me to keep at it. By the fall semester, we had made progress. When your birthday came around, I noticed that our relationship had taken a drastic turn. Of course, things were never easy and you still had problems when Dad left for work every morning, but you grew to love me. You really loved to watch my marching band on YouTube, I'd let you see the occasional Sesame Street, you told me that I made you happy, I knew that I had somehow fallen in love with you. You taught me a lot about patience, babysitting, love, parenting, poopy diapers, kid books, and what happens when you attempt to use a bit of discipline, but most of all, you taught me a lot about myself. Nine months later, I feel like a stronger, smarter adult- one that knows how to get a toddler to eat and change a poopy diaper when they're screaming and crying. But, at the end of the day, I'll probably only remember those good moments when you would put your little arms around me and slobber your wet lips against my cheek and say "bye bye Tee Tee!" I'll miss you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Tee Tee
*Name has been changed to protect the innocent. Either that or I just don't remember.
Welcome back? I think this leave of absense is some sort of record for me. Actually, I attempted a really awesome post, but livejournal didn't see it fit to actually work and deleted a very long, reflective post. So, you're stuck with this long laundry list.
If you know me at all, you're probably aware of my slightly masochistic nature. I don't think all that highly of myself, tend to have issues asking for help, and rarely can accept or believe a compliment or praise. Nothing, I think, really tops the state I was in last weekend during staff auditions for next year's marching band. Of course, I probably don't have to tell you that Blocks of Death, Rooms of Doom, and waiting around for hours and hours can have severe effects on your nerves. I found out on Monday that I'd be returning to the position of section leader without Ashley- news that truly made me realize how much I rely on her for sanity. So, Ashley, thank you for keeping me upright last season.
On Tuesday and Thursday, I worked in the Nursery during my first part of my OB clinical rotation. One of the most magical parts of nursing school (or college for that matter), is that you go into it thinking you might want to go into one thing and you come out wanting something completely different. My day with the detoxing baby was one of those magical moments. Even in the midst of his tremors and sad little cries and gags, I got a feeling that said, "this might be where you should be." That week, I also saw my first circumcision (at least up to the point that I felt light-headed- you would, too!), gave my first shot (to a baby), became an expert and teacher at heel sticks, and took care of tons of babies who were a mere four hours old. To top it off, the nurse I was working with told my instructor that I had really impressed her and that I knew my stuff. My instructor followed up her compliment with a comment about how well I had taught a classmate. After playing the clarinet for eleven years, I feel like I know what I'm doing to the point of comfort and psuedo-confidence. After a grand total of six months of learning nursing, I still feel like such a "n00b," it's hard for me not to stress out about screwing up. I still feel so very self-conscious and worried. Getting positive feedback from nurses who think I'm on the right path is one of the best gifts I've ever been given. Period.
Yesterday, it happened again. After a day of running around, changing wet beds, trying to get condom catheters to stay on their designated penises, moving sick men, and attempting to please every one of my nurses and get bed baths done while still not knowing half the things I am assigned to do, I was left exhausted and uptight. Thankfully, a nurse who I didn't think was my biggest fan made sure I knew that she had appreciate all my hard work. "You worked your butt of today," she said. "Good attitude."
Following work, I rejected my original plan to be a hermit and decided that being an actual college student was the better option. Who needs sleep when you've got friends, an ID that is proof of your 21 years of age, and a friend of a friend's house stocked up with cheap beer, ping pong balls, and dancin' music. Of course, at any good college party, you've got "college" boys trying to pick you up. And it went a lil like this:
"College" Boy: I'm Captain Morgan*
Me: Nice to meetchya, Captain Morgan. I'm Lindsay. So, are you one of the optics majors?
Captain Morgan: Now, why would you say that?
Me: You're at an optics major party.
CM: Ah. No, I've already graduated.
Me: Oh yeah? What do you do?
CM: I got my Associates and I'm working as a mechanic...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Me: I'm too picky and elitist and decide automatically that our relationship is over.
CM: What do you do?
Me: I'm a nursing student.
CM: Oh, cool! So are you going to do more school after this or be an RA?
Me: Oh, Christ. It's a fucking RN, you idiot. Registered Nurse. Not Registered Asshole. Although, they may have RMs. As in Registered Morons. Blah, blah, blah. Why am I still talking to you? Blah, blah, blah.
Nevertheless, spending an evening with a buzz and some old and new friends was extremely satisfying- even if it got me into bed after 2am.
That's my week in a nutshell- hope it wasn't too boring. Laundry lists suck, but after you've been gone for over a week, what else are you supposed to do?
And, because Friday was THE day, I'm writing you a letter.
Dearest Kelvin,
About nine months ago, you came into my life. I needed a job and for some reason I thought that babysitting would be a great idea. I took care of your sister, too, but it was mostly you. It really wasn't easy at first. You gave me a really hard time, but I guess I can't blame you. You were (and still are) really attached to your dad, and kids your age have issues with separation anxiety. But, seriously, I almost quit- a job at Sauce would be 10x easier than taking care of a kid who screamed every time he saw me. Midsummer, I tried, but your parents want me to keep at it. By the fall semester, we had made progress. When your birthday came around, I noticed that our relationship had taken a drastic turn. Of course, things were never easy and you still had problems when Dad left for work every morning, but you grew to love me. You really loved to watch my marching band on YouTube, I'd let you see the occasional Sesame Street, you told me that I made you happy, I knew that I had somehow fallen in love with you. You taught me a lot about patience, babysitting, love, parenting, poopy diapers, kid books, and what happens when you attempt to use a bit of discipline, but most of all, you taught me a lot about myself. Nine months later, I feel like a stronger, smarter adult- one that knows how to get a toddler to eat and change a poopy diaper when they're screaming and crying. But, at the end of the day, I'll probably only remember those good moments when you would put your little arms around me and slobber your wet lips against my cheek and say "bye bye Tee Tee!" I'll miss you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Tee Tee
*Name has been changed to protect the innocent. Either that or I just don't remember.