(no subject)
welcome to the end of the worst week i can remember. thank god it's friday. that there aren't horses at that camp any more. that i can sleep tonight, whether or not i am able.
i wanted to analyze my relationship with beth, why it's different and why i love her, but this journal doesn't deserve that. and i don't want to. i'm just happy with it.
i wanted to describe exactly how my little corner of that camp was shot to hell - or, more correctly, drowned. ruined, anyway. and how it took all the right people all day to decide to take no action. which is the worst possible plan ever. congrats, guys. you're not even buying yourselves time. assholes.
what i want someone to explain to me is why i'm so tired, how i could suspend indifference until nightfall; it was such a gorgeous day, i'm sure even the sunset will be heartbreaking. i don't even know, but i don't like it. i'd rather be throwing tantrums than the way i am. i don't even know how that is, exactly.
i have a lot of cleaning up to do - the relative cleanliness of my room correlates with my mood, and things are looking pretty ugly. i think the worst part is the suitcase that showed up sometime today in the middle of the floor.. i can't remember where we're supposed to be going, and i can't ask. i'm really afraid it's something i won't want. i don't need any more bad news.
but i guess things generally get worse before they can get better. but that's so general.. how much worse will they get? it's easy to sit around and consider worst-case scenarios, but i don't think anyone ever expects to live them. i really don't want to have to live this way any more.
i don't actually have time for this.
my commencement ceremony was on the television this afternoon, but when i saw it i had a lot of trouble believing that it was mine, that i had been there. that feels like it was a lifetime ago.
this week feels like fourty-one years crammed into nine hours. or something. really i just wish i had someone -thing to want.
i wanted to analyze my relationship with beth, why it's different and why i love her, but this journal doesn't deserve that. and i don't want to. i'm just happy with it.
i wanted to describe exactly how my little corner of that camp was shot to hell - or, more correctly, drowned. ruined, anyway. and how it took all the right people all day to decide to take no action. which is the worst possible plan ever. congrats, guys. you're not even buying yourselves time. assholes.
what i want someone to explain to me is why i'm so tired, how i could suspend indifference until nightfall; it was such a gorgeous day, i'm sure even the sunset will be heartbreaking. i don't even know, but i don't like it. i'd rather be throwing tantrums than the way i am. i don't even know how that is, exactly.
i have a lot of cleaning up to do - the relative cleanliness of my room correlates with my mood, and things are looking pretty ugly. i think the worst part is the suitcase that showed up sometime today in the middle of the floor.. i can't remember where we're supposed to be going, and i can't ask. i'm really afraid it's something i won't want. i don't need any more bad news.
but i guess things generally get worse before they can get better. but that's so general.. how much worse will they get? it's easy to sit around and consider worst-case scenarios, but i don't think anyone ever expects to live them. i really don't want to have to live this way any more.
i don't actually have time for this.
my commencement ceremony was on the television this afternoon, but when i saw it i had a lot of trouble believing that it was mine, that i had been there. that feels like it was a lifetime ago.
this week feels like fourty-one years crammed into nine hours. or something. really i just wish i had someone -thing to want.