double back
He says "I can't do this anymore".
I talk to his Dad, he wants to come Home.
He will allow it.
I can't stand in the way.
It Happens.
I clutch myself. It is happening. He left. I am here. In a state I have never even been to before. What now. I have no car. No money. No place to live. No one I know, no friends, no family. No plan. I hold myself on the floor. I am numb. I know this because I don't even cry. That is a special treat that reveals itself a week or so later.
I miss being part of a team. A "no matter what, we are in this together" sort of team. It's simple. And it's all I ever wanted in the first place.
The days do turn into weeks. I put out applications. I smile even though inside I am dying, in more than one way. Shake hands. Thank them for their time. Ask them to call me if anything changes. Go home, fill out more. I hope it is just a numbers game I am playing. The pawn, my Life. It is scary. The backdrop feels like the only two options that don't go out of season: Prostitution or Dealing Drugs. I know either is possible, plausible but I simply Will Not Have It. The best COD in my opinion is putting up the fight of your life, for your life.
At night, I look back on pictures, letters, anything fun. I would like to think my life was very full, that I did a lot of things instead of staring vacantly into a television set. if this is what it comes down to, am i satisfied with myself? i was surprised to find the answer was an astouding YES. no bad blood. no enemies. no crippling regrets. if i met high school me, yes i would talk her out of it. but again, just me. I just want to make enough money to take care of my parents when they get old. I'm not going to be able to do it, am I? Won't for once just someone tell me the truth? I am going to cry.
I talk to his Dad, he wants to come Home.
He will allow it.
I can't stand in the way.
It Happens.
I clutch myself. It is happening. He left. I am here. In a state I have never even been to before. What now. I have no car. No money. No place to live. No one I know, no friends, no family. No plan. I hold myself on the floor. I am numb. I know this because I don't even cry. That is a special treat that reveals itself a week or so later.
I miss being part of a team. A "no matter what, we are in this together" sort of team. It's simple. And it's all I ever wanted in the first place.
The days do turn into weeks. I put out applications. I smile even though inside I am dying, in more than one way. Shake hands. Thank them for their time. Ask them to call me if anything changes. Go home, fill out more. I hope it is just a numbers game I am playing. The pawn, my Life. It is scary. The backdrop feels like the only two options that don't go out of season: Prostitution or Dealing Drugs. I know either is possible, plausible but I simply Will Not Have It. The best COD in my opinion is putting up the fight of your life, for your life.
At night, I look back on pictures, letters, anything fun. I would like to think my life was very full, that I did a lot of things instead of staring vacantly into a television set. if this is what it comes down to, am i satisfied with myself? i was surprised to find the answer was an astouding YES. no bad blood. no enemies. no crippling regrets. if i met high school me, yes i would talk her out of it. but again, just me. I just want to make enough money to take care of my parents when they get old. I'm not going to be able to do it, am I? Won't for once just someone tell me the truth? I am going to cry.