Revalations..
Ive started to think a lot about what I am, who I am, and what I want in life. Its scary at times, and other times it makes me feel guilty.
Ive always had a sort of little girl complex, and its always confused me. Ive fought against it for a long time. I had to be strong, in control, the grown up, the adult. No one else was, so the duties fell on me. I mean, SOMEone had to be in control, make the decisions, get things done that had to be done. And since my asshole husband(s) never took responsibility for anything, the job was left to me. I developed a tough outter skin. I took all my feelings, wants desires and locked them away in my iron chest, along with my sorrows, hardships and pains. It became very tiring. Never being the real me. Always have this other person wanting to come out. Begging, crying, banging her fists on the locked chest. And each time I threatened to gag her, shed back down.
Ive always been enticed by stories of submission, force, mock-rape. Stories I used to feed my fantasies that I thought of as I touched myself in the bathrub.
When I first started reading about BDSM, I wasnt sure who I was. I wasnt sure what I was. I didnt know where I belonged. I just knew the concept felt right.
It was mind blowing. I read everything I could find online. I looked longingly at the toys displayed in on-line catalogs. I drooled over pictures of torture and various forms of BDSM play. I longed for it. I became obsessed with it and knew Id never be satisfied in life without it. Problem was, I had a decayed, gangerous foot, formerly called "my husband" and I would never trust him with this secret.
My secrets have always been used against me. MY feelings, my joys, my sorrows. Theyed be taken, twisted, and turned against me. I knew better than to share anything with him. Turning to the internet and chat rooms, I roamed like a ghost, trying to find what I was looking for, though I didnt know what it was exactly, and I knew it would never be more than a fantasy. I knew Id never realize my dreams, because to do so, I would lose the most important beings in my life.
Eventually, I did anyway.
It didnt matter what I did.
I tried hard to be perfect, I tried hard to please everyone. Heres a hint: it never works.
Today, I sit here writing this. I am slowly realizing my dreams. I am slowly finding what I want in life. I am slowly being where I want to be.
My master stated that he wanted me to read more LJ's of subs like myself. However, it only saddens me. Reminding me of what all Im missing in my life.
Ive always had a sort of little girl complex, and its always confused me. Ive fought against it for a long time. I had to be strong, in control, the grown up, the adult. No one else was, so the duties fell on me. I mean, SOMEone had to be in control, make the decisions, get things done that had to be done. And since my asshole husband(s) never took responsibility for anything, the job was left to me. I developed a tough outter skin. I took all my feelings, wants desires and locked them away in my iron chest, along with my sorrows, hardships and pains. It became very tiring. Never being the real me. Always have this other person wanting to come out. Begging, crying, banging her fists on the locked chest. And each time I threatened to gag her, shed back down.
Ive always been enticed by stories of submission, force, mock-rape. Stories I used to feed my fantasies that I thought of as I touched myself in the bathrub.
When I first started reading about BDSM, I wasnt sure who I was. I wasnt sure what I was. I didnt know where I belonged. I just knew the concept felt right.
It was mind blowing. I read everything I could find online. I looked longingly at the toys displayed in on-line catalogs. I drooled over pictures of torture and various forms of BDSM play. I longed for it. I became obsessed with it and knew Id never be satisfied in life without it. Problem was, I had a decayed, gangerous foot, formerly called "my husband" and I would never trust him with this secret.
My secrets have always been used against me. MY feelings, my joys, my sorrows. Theyed be taken, twisted, and turned against me. I knew better than to share anything with him. Turning to the internet and chat rooms, I roamed like a ghost, trying to find what I was looking for, though I didnt know what it was exactly, and I knew it would never be more than a fantasy. I knew Id never realize my dreams, because to do so, I would lose the most important beings in my life.
Eventually, I did anyway.
It didnt matter what I did.
I tried hard to be perfect, I tried hard to please everyone. Heres a hint: it never works.
Today, I sit here writing this. I am slowly realizing my dreams. I am slowly finding what I want in life. I am slowly being where I want to be.
My master stated that he wanted me to read more LJ's of subs like myself. However, it only saddens me. Reminding me of what all Im missing in my life.