get outta my head
Isn't it interesting how complex emotions can be? How you can completely hate someone one minute, and yet want nothing more than to hold them tightly the next? I don't understand these feelings in me. I feel like my life is so pulled between two polar opposites, a tug of war. On the one side, there is that part of me that thinks I'm still so in love with him. The part that remembers all the small things, the sweet things, the fun times. The part that holds on to the hope that he can change, completely into what I want him to be, and then I would be happy. He only has to be a different person, then I would completely satisfied. But only that. Everything else is ok. This part forgives again and again, looks past the obvious red flags screaming NO STOP THIS IS NOT GOOD JUST TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY. Wanting to talk to him, to see how he's doing, to maybe hang out so I can have a hug or a kiss. This part is blind to it, to the flashing signs and neon paint and people waving their arms. This part of me is in the fantasy world, a world where people realize they're wrong and I'm right.
Then there is this whole other part of me. The part that deleted him from life, the part that screams obscenities at the top of my lungs at his existence until my throat hurts so much I want to vomit. The part that is broken hearted with a swollen face from crying so much. The part that wants nothing more to do with him, the part that hopes he'll get caught and go to jail, the part that realizes how much of an idiot he is and how much I made up this fake image of the kind of person he was. This other part of me wants to just move ON, get on with my life and onto a guy who doesn't make me cry like that, ever.
There are the two parts of me. Two very different sides of me. I'm caught in the middle usually, only occasionally on one extreme or the other. I don't understand why I can't just pick one side or the other, I think in this tug of war the latter half wins, the part that just wants to move on to better things. But the first part sneaks in every once in a while. In my dreams, my thoughts when I'm still. I looked at old pictures and almost cried. I like to think I was happy, but really, deep down, I don't think I was. It's so easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. I guess that's the curse of loving someone, or the blessing depending how you look at it.
I've been down this road before and I know it well. I know all the potholes, all the sharp turns and the bumps. Though I don't exactly know where it goes, I do know that I can't expect to get there in a day. It's a long drive, so I might as well enjoy the scenery.
Then there is this whole other part of me. The part that deleted him from life, the part that screams obscenities at the top of my lungs at his existence until my throat hurts so much I want to vomit. The part that is broken hearted with a swollen face from crying so much. The part that wants nothing more to do with him, the part that hopes he'll get caught and go to jail, the part that realizes how much of an idiot he is and how much I made up this fake image of the kind of person he was. This other part of me wants to just move ON, get on with my life and onto a guy who doesn't make me cry like that, ever.
There are the two parts of me. Two very different sides of me. I'm caught in the middle usually, only occasionally on one extreme or the other. I don't understand why I can't just pick one side or the other, I think in this tug of war the latter half wins, the part that just wants to move on to better things. But the first part sneaks in every once in a while. In my dreams, my thoughts when I'm still. I looked at old pictures and almost cried. I like to think I was happy, but really, deep down, I don't think I was. It's so easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. I guess that's the curse of loving someone, or the blessing depending how you look at it.
I've been down this road before and I know it well. I know all the potholes, all the sharp turns and the bumps. Though I don't exactly know where it goes, I do know that I can't expect to get there in a day. It's a long drive, so I might as well enjoy the scenery.