(no subject)
today in english the councilor came in the discuss next years schedules with us. i was sitting there looking at my transcript and trying to figure out what i still needed when i realized that next year is my senior year. thats not that much of a big deal to me, ive been waiting for this all my life, but what the hell am i going to do with my life? i dont want to be working some petty job, going nowhere. im scared. this is it. i mean, i dont want to be living with my parents forever, i need to grow up sometime. true, im only sixteen, but i do know i need to start doing something with myself. with everyone talking about signing up for the military, i realize that at least they are doing something with themselves besides rotting in this hellhole making no progress. i need to do something with myself and im scared as hell. i spent so much of high school dealing with myself and my depression... my grades are the proof. i spent so much time trying to find an identity and in the process losing all of my morals and who i was, questioning things and ideas far too much. i just want to grow up and get over all that. i know i cant because my family is all the same.. its engraved in your head and encoded in your dna. there's never a way out. i just dont think that "growing up" is just getting over my stupid feelings... but its about coming to the realization that i need not be idle. i need to do something with my life and partying just gets old. i dont want to be thirty years old, with some cheap job, nothing going for me and still partying. thats not cool. i want to be something. i want god. i want freedom from myself and my own ideas taht kill so much of me.