grieving process...
A while back I know things were not going to work out with me and my live-in boyfriend, and I began to distance myself from him.
He moved out this past weekend - and then 2 days later I had to put my kitty to sleep.
I had tried to get a lot of stuff done that I could not do as quickly alone, like the interior demo on the outbuilding, and a lot of work was just a way to stay "out of the way / busy until I had the place to myself.
I had done my agonizing and given up long ago with the boy. He had given up on himself, he would not take care of himself or bathe or shave regularly, he would refuse to get new clothes and essentially wore rags, so he had nothing decent to job hunt in, and I was too embarrassed to have company over because of it. And that was before he even got his own computer. It was even worse after. It was a relationship that I should have never allowed to happen and then I let it drag on too long. That is whey when he finally moved out it was a relief. My previous boyfriend had similar problems.
The loss of my cat however was really unexpected. Even though I had recently found out he had FIV, I was still thinking he could crank out a few more years. But I was reminded that the world does not always run on your schedule.
I am glad I was not playing in the SCA much for the past year because it allowed me to spend loads of time with him, and I would have felt even more guilt than I already do. Before he got really sick, he used to come up to me and claw my pant leg so he could sit in my lap. He spent a good part of the winter in my lap any time I watched TV. He would lay on my stomach and chest when I slept at night and just purr and purr. Of all the cats I had, he was definitely the uber-lap cat and I got closer to him than any other cat I've had.
I was surprised at how quickly I wanted to clear out all the cat stuff as soon as I came home from the vet. I did not want to see a single reminder of him - it was just too painful. The same thing happened when I got divorced. (I tossed every picture, etc. I think I only saved photos of my wedding cake because it was a della robbia cake that I had made to order. )
I managed to gather all the cat stuff into one spot and clean it all / toss it / or give it away. I vacuumed most of the house to clear any cat hair (which was easy as he had been confining himself to one rug for the past week or so and I'd been cleaning since the boy had left. I took a bunch of pics of him before I sent him to the vet and put one on my desktop at home.
So all of this wanting to forget and being free to change things has put me into a maelstrom of cleaning that has me re-organizing the entire house. The last time I lived alone was in 1994 before I got married. I used to have a neat clean apartment that was organized so I could clean it easy. I did not have a lot, and that made it easier as well.
There are a few boxes the boy left behind that are now by the front door ready to be sorted through (for a yard sale or goodwill), And he had a truckload of stuff that went out with him. There was some furniture he opted not to take, that I will have to get rid of, and once all of that is clear I will be very close to having my home organized.
Part of me likes being by myself, and part of me really misses the company. I will need to get the house in order soon so it can be fit for company. I still cry a little when I think of my little bear, but I know that will fade in time and I have plenty to keep me busy.
He moved out this past weekend - and then 2 days later I had to put my kitty to sleep.
I had tried to get a lot of stuff done that I could not do as quickly alone, like the interior demo on the outbuilding, and a lot of work was just a way to stay "out of the way / busy until I had the place to myself.
I had done my agonizing and given up long ago with the boy. He had given up on himself, he would not take care of himself or bathe or shave regularly, he would refuse to get new clothes and essentially wore rags, so he had nothing decent to job hunt in, and I was too embarrassed to have company over because of it. And that was before he even got his own computer. It was even worse after. It was a relationship that I should have never allowed to happen and then I let it drag on too long. That is whey when he finally moved out it was a relief. My previous boyfriend had similar problems.
The loss of my cat however was really unexpected. Even though I had recently found out he had FIV, I was still thinking he could crank out a few more years. But I was reminded that the world does not always run on your schedule.
I am glad I was not playing in the SCA much for the past year because it allowed me to spend loads of time with him, and I would have felt even more guilt than I already do. Before he got really sick, he used to come up to me and claw my pant leg so he could sit in my lap. He spent a good part of the winter in my lap any time I watched TV. He would lay on my stomach and chest when I slept at night and just purr and purr. Of all the cats I had, he was definitely the uber-lap cat and I got closer to him than any other cat I've had.
I was surprised at how quickly I wanted to clear out all the cat stuff as soon as I came home from the vet. I did not want to see a single reminder of him - it was just too painful. The same thing happened when I got divorced. (I tossed every picture, etc. I think I only saved photos of my wedding cake because it was a della robbia cake that I had made to order. )
I managed to gather all the cat stuff into one spot and clean it all / toss it / or give it away. I vacuumed most of the house to clear any cat hair (which was easy as he had been confining himself to one rug for the past week or so and I'd been cleaning since the boy had left. I took a bunch of pics of him before I sent him to the vet and put one on my desktop at home.
So all of this wanting to forget and being free to change things has put me into a maelstrom of cleaning that has me re-organizing the entire house. The last time I lived alone was in 1994 before I got married. I used to have a neat clean apartment that was organized so I could clean it easy. I did not have a lot, and that made it easier as well.
There are a few boxes the boy left behind that are now by the front door ready to be sorted through (for a yard sale or goodwill), And he had a truckload of stuff that went out with him. There was some furniture he opted not to take, that I will have to get rid of, and once all of that is clear I will be very close to having my home organized.
Part of me likes being by myself, and part of me really misses the company. I will need to get the house in order soon so it can be fit for company. I still cry a little when I think of my little bear, but I know that will fade in time and I have plenty to keep me busy.