Late Night Confessions
I almost didn't come out here and write this tonight. I was lying in bed with Al's back to me and I wished I could make myself fall asleep even with the loneliness in my head, but I knew I couldn't. This song (Muse - Bliss) makes me feel it more acutely, like I can actually envisage floating away, into the blackness of space, and just floating and breathing, looking at the masses so far away in the distance, and seeing the earth grow smaller until I barely recognise it and it has forgotten me, and then I fall asleep and simply die. Out there in that massive blackness, I guess I would feel insignificant enough to die, I would feel like if I'm that far away I wouldn't feel anyone's pain radiating out for me when I did. I know its an obscure concept but I make no apologies for it because sometimes it's the thinking about such things that keeps me alive.
Sometimes I think about what it was like for me growing up and how much possibility there was and all there was in front of me was my life. How did that change - more importantly, how did I let that change? When did I say it was ok to become more preoccupied with the destroyed part of myself instead of the alive part? It's not even that I feel destroyed, or defeated. I just don't feel alive.
I don't feel good enough anymore. I feel like there is no such things as steps forward, only steps sideways to avoid oncoming objects. I don't want to seem like a burden but that's what I am when I get depressed, and then I think of the last time I was depressed and the good times I had while I was there and it just makes no sense in my own head for me to remember such things.
Soundgarden - Blow Up The Outside World. That is how I feel. I'm not 100% on the lyrics at all but the way the song and lyrics feel during that chorus make me feel like walking out the door and never looking back. And in some weird, and very sad way, knowing that noone would ever notice I was gone, let alone remember I was there to begin with. The strange thing about this image is that it sometimes makes me retreat within myself when I know I can't do such things, or have the opportunity to even get up and walk. The worst time is at work. However the feeling I get is not that I want to walk so far away from myself that I am alone, but so that I can just walk in the city amongst the noise and traffic and feel like I'm not alone. I don't know how much sense that makes, but a city of buildings and roads that stay in one place for so long feel more secure than a city of people who can't stay still.
I don't want to get depressed again. It's a place that feels more real than anything but so surreal at the same time. Its like knowing you don't belong somewhere but feeling like it's the only place you've ever been, so how do you know anything even exists beyond it. Which in itself is a stupid analogy because you know in your heart that your life does exist beyond the cloud but you just can't remember it until one day your standing in the sun again. I would just feel like such a burden.
I would honestly just feel like Al would be better without me, because sometimes I feel like he wouldn't want to be here when the storm hits and honestly I don't blame him. I know what its like, dealing with my own mother when she goes down that road and at those times I simply can't get far enough away from her. I love her so much, but I can't do it, I almost resent her for getting that way because... well I don't know why. I'm extremely scared of bringing anyone into this, I would love to think that there would be someone in the world who would hold me up when shit got really tough and I had no idea who I was anymore, but to expect that of someone is ridiculous. Noone asked for me to be in their life, I'm just here and I'm in it because I moved to this beautiful country, they never asked to have someone come in and burden them. I have no idea what I am meant to do, because I am ashamed that I have to do something besides live my life in order to be content in it, if that makes any sense. I hate that I have seemingly no control over how happy I am. I hate that I am far, far more self confident when I'm not in a relationship, because I alway feel like my flaws are being pointed out and stared at. I hate feeling like I'm losing a grip on myself and will have to ask someone to back me up, because people don't have tolerance for people who are lost for seemingly no reason. This time it's not nice, because I don't understand where I've gone wrong. I understand the other times I was depressed, except the first major episode I had as a teenager, 14 or so. That was the episode that made me start to write a journal in the first place, and look at me now.
I remember being a kid, about 11 years old I guess, or maybe I was only 8 or 9, I don't know. For some reason, I had a crush on this guy, Stephen Pook. He was just a guy in my class, I didn't really talk to him but I knew he was good at running, and he was smart, and blonde and a year older than I was. I was never a religious person from my own choice, rather it was bred into me by my grandparents, but I remember this one afternoon, bouncing on the trampoline in the backyard, and looking up at the sky, it was a sunny day with a few white clouds around, and just asking Jesus over and over to give me a sign whether Stephen liked me or not. I never got a sign, and after a few days I gave up and gave up on believing in Jesus and things. I don't know how this story is relevant - perhaps because this was when I decided the world doesn't work through devine intervention, that if things are to be the way you want them to be, you need to do it for yourself. However this juncture in my life, like the episodes that came before it, serves to say that sometimes you don't even have control over yourself let alone the world around you.
I should get to bed, I have to get up at 7.30. Maybe the fact I'm sick at the moment, well at the end of it, is making things worse. All I know is I am so, so afraid of going down again but I'm already at the point where the belief that I'm worth getting better is all but diminished. It's like I've said before, if the thing that keeps you alive is something invisible to you, how do you know that your holding on for the right reason, or to the right thing, and how are you meant to know when the cables just going to snap?
Sometimes I think about what it was like for me growing up and how much possibility there was and all there was in front of me was my life. How did that change - more importantly, how did I let that change? When did I say it was ok to become more preoccupied with the destroyed part of myself instead of the alive part? It's not even that I feel destroyed, or defeated. I just don't feel alive.
I don't feel good enough anymore. I feel like there is no such things as steps forward, only steps sideways to avoid oncoming objects. I don't want to seem like a burden but that's what I am when I get depressed, and then I think of the last time I was depressed and the good times I had while I was there and it just makes no sense in my own head for me to remember such things.
Soundgarden - Blow Up The Outside World. That is how I feel. I'm not 100% on the lyrics at all but the way the song and lyrics feel during that chorus make me feel like walking out the door and never looking back. And in some weird, and very sad way, knowing that noone would ever notice I was gone, let alone remember I was there to begin with. The strange thing about this image is that it sometimes makes me retreat within myself when I know I can't do such things, or have the opportunity to even get up and walk. The worst time is at work. However the feeling I get is not that I want to walk so far away from myself that I am alone, but so that I can just walk in the city amongst the noise and traffic and feel like I'm not alone. I don't know how much sense that makes, but a city of buildings and roads that stay in one place for so long feel more secure than a city of people who can't stay still.
I don't want to get depressed again. It's a place that feels more real than anything but so surreal at the same time. Its like knowing you don't belong somewhere but feeling like it's the only place you've ever been, so how do you know anything even exists beyond it. Which in itself is a stupid analogy because you know in your heart that your life does exist beyond the cloud but you just can't remember it until one day your standing in the sun again. I would just feel like such a burden.
I would honestly just feel like Al would be better without me, because sometimes I feel like he wouldn't want to be here when the storm hits and honestly I don't blame him. I know what its like, dealing with my own mother when she goes down that road and at those times I simply can't get far enough away from her. I love her so much, but I can't do it, I almost resent her for getting that way because... well I don't know why. I'm extremely scared of bringing anyone into this, I would love to think that there would be someone in the world who would hold me up when shit got really tough and I had no idea who I was anymore, but to expect that of someone is ridiculous. Noone asked for me to be in their life, I'm just here and I'm in it because I moved to this beautiful country, they never asked to have someone come in and burden them. I have no idea what I am meant to do, because I am ashamed that I have to do something besides live my life in order to be content in it, if that makes any sense. I hate that I have seemingly no control over how happy I am. I hate that I am far, far more self confident when I'm not in a relationship, because I alway feel like my flaws are being pointed out and stared at. I hate feeling like I'm losing a grip on myself and will have to ask someone to back me up, because people don't have tolerance for people who are lost for seemingly no reason. This time it's not nice, because I don't understand where I've gone wrong. I understand the other times I was depressed, except the first major episode I had as a teenager, 14 or so. That was the episode that made me start to write a journal in the first place, and look at me now.
I remember being a kid, about 11 years old I guess, or maybe I was only 8 or 9, I don't know. For some reason, I had a crush on this guy, Stephen Pook. He was just a guy in my class, I didn't really talk to him but I knew he was good at running, and he was smart, and blonde and a year older than I was. I was never a religious person from my own choice, rather it was bred into me by my grandparents, but I remember this one afternoon, bouncing on the trampoline in the backyard, and looking up at the sky, it was a sunny day with a few white clouds around, and just asking Jesus over and over to give me a sign whether Stephen liked me or not. I never got a sign, and after a few days I gave up and gave up on believing in Jesus and things. I don't know how this story is relevant - perhaps because this was when I decided the world doesn't work through devine intervention, that if things are to be the way you want them to be, you need to do it for yourself. However this juncture in my life, like the episodes that came before it, serves to say that sometimes you don't even have control over yourself let alone the world around you.
I should get to bed, I have to get up at 7.30. Maybe the fact I'm sick at the moment, well at the end of it, is making things worse. All I know is I am so, so afraid of going down again but I'm already at the point where the belief that I'm worth getting better is all but diminished. It's like I've said before, if the thing that keeps you alive is something invisible to you, how do you know that your holding on for the right reason, or to the right thing, and how are you meant to know when the cables just going to snap?