Bleh...
Well... I'm at home sick today. Sick mentally, physically, both? Who knows. Meh. I had Tonsillitis about a month ago, and I didn't take my medication for it- it ended up getting worse and turned into Strep. That finally went away (or so I thought), and everything was fine and dandy. This past weekend I was outside all of Friday and Saturday, and it was freezing. Still being unknowingly sick from having Strep, I got worse and it now turns out I have Bronchitis. And to top it all off, I'm so stressed that I feel my heart beating in my stomach and it makes me nauseous to the point where I throw up. I can't handle anything anymore. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I don't even bother going to class. I'm so fucked up. Anyone have any suggestions?
I'm pretty sure the stress is purely emotional crap... I'm not stressed from school or work, so I know it's not that- the only thing I can think of is the huge breakup I had with my boyfriend 2 months ago. It's as if the heartbreak is lingering over my head and refuses to go away- I constantly hurt and it sucks so bad. I hate being so alone.... It's not that I'm dependant on him, because I'm not. I just miss being held, and kissed, and loved... I had it all for a year and a half, and even though I know it had to end, it kills me inside that it's all gone.
Arggggg I'm such a mess... Nobody loves me, I'm so lonely. :( I sound like such an emo kid, and frankly I don't care... I'm in one of those moods where all I wanna do is curl up in bed, go to sleep and never ever wake up. It's not that I wanna die, I just wanna sleep forever. Sleep is the greatest thing. You get away and go to the most impossible places on earth... I can dream of being everywhere but here, and I want that more than anything right now. Mmmm... Sleep... I could go for some of that right now- I haven't slept in nearly a week now. I have too much on my mind, I guess, can't get it to stop running.
I wrote a poem the other day. I guess I'll post it... Sometimes writing (either ranting/venting like this, or through poetry) is the only way I feel better. Now isn't one of those times. I still feel like shit. But I wrote anyway, and if it isn't completely obvious how I feel already, then you'll completely understand after reading the poem. Enjoy:
Serious Pain
Do you not see the tears of blood-
Running down my cheeks?
Do you not see that I’ve been hurting-
For several countless weeks?
I tried my best to love you-
You threw my heart against the wall.
I always had a feeling-
You didn’t care for me at all.
You are blind to my emotions-
I can scream but you won’t hear.
You tell me that you love me-
But when I need you you’re not near.
Finally you’ve broken me-
But I’m not yours to own.
You’ve toyed with me for so long-
That all my strings are torn.
I won’t stand for it anymore-
Now that I’m this undead mess that you seem to ignore.
-------
So that's my poem. Love it? Hate it? Whatever. It doesn't matter, nothing does. I hate being in this unhealthy state of mind, it's driving me crazy. I want nothing more than to be my happy-go-lucky self and to be able to genuinely smile every single day. But I can't. My body and my mind won't let me. I have no control anymore. I'm melting.
I'm done writing for now... I can't think of anything else to say, and this is getting pretty long. I'll post again later. Peace.
I'm pretty sure the stress is purely emotional crap... I'm not stressed from school or work, so I know it's not that- the only thing I can think of is the huge breakup I had with my boyfriend 2 months ago. It's as if the heartbreak is lingering over my head and refuses to go away- I constantly hurt and it sucks so bad. I hate being so alone.... It's not that I'm dependant on him, because I'm not. I just miss being held, and kissed, and loved... I had it all for a year and a half, and even though I know it had to end, it kills me inside that it's all gone.
Arggggg I'm such a mess... Nobody loves me, I'm so lonely. :( I sound like such an emo kid, and frankly I don't care... I'm in one of those moods where all I wanna do is curl up in bed, go to sleep and never ever wake up. It's not that I wanna die, I just wanna sleep forever. Sleep is the greatest thing. You get away and go to the most impossible places on earth... I can dream of being everywhere but here, and I want that more than anything right now. Mmmm... Sleep... I could go for some of that right now- I haven't slept in nearly a week now. I have too much on my mind, I guess, can't get it to stop running.
I wrote a poem the other day. I guess I'll post it... Sometimes writing (either ranting/venting like this, or through poetry) is the only way I feel better. Now isn't one of those times. I still feel like shit. But I wrote anyway, and if it isn't completely obvious how I feel already, then you'll completely understand after reading the poem. Enjoy:
Serious Pain
Do you not see the tears of blood-
Running down my cheeks?
Do you not see that I’ve been hurting-
For several countless weeks?
I tried my best to love you-
You threw my heart against the wall.
I always had a feeling-
You didn’t care for me at all.
You are blind to my emotions-
I can scream but you won’t hear.
You tell me that you love me-
But when I need you you’re not near.
Finally you’ve broken me-
But I’m not yours to own.
You’ve toyed with me for so long-
That all my strings are torn.
I won’t stand for it anymore-
Now that I’m this undead mess that you seem to ignore.
-------
So that's my poem. Love it? Hate it? Whatever. It doesn't matter, nothing does. I hate being in this unhealthy state of mind, it's driving me crazy. I want nothing more than to be my happy-go-lucky self and to be able to genuinely smile every single day. But I can't. My body and my mind won't let me. I have no control anymore. I'm melting.
I'm done writing for now... I can't think of anything else to say, and this is getting pretty long. I'll post again later. Peace.