(no subject)
I feel the need to watch "The Fountain" over and over...
...also, I miss you all. I know you've reached out and I've been... umm... distant, to say the least. pretty much at home alone or with my parents. BUT. please keep trying? All of you? Every one? Especially JK. you're comforting, and I miss not doing anything with you and still feeling peaceful. If you can.
Also: I got to finally talk real talk with my mom. Told her how I've been frustrated with my siblings. They deal with bad shit by avoiding it or acknowledging it yet being so unrealistically hopeful and delusional about it. they did the same with Katie. I honestly think I was too young for me to even properly judge in hindsight how I dealt with her sickness and death, but I do remember that rubbing off on me...the fact that I never thought her dying was an option. And I do know that as soon as she got sick, I saw her as my "sick sister" Even though we were close..wore the same clothes, shared the same room. And now, my mom has cancer, and could possibly be dying. My whole life, she has been the person I have been the closest to always. She's my mama.
And I don't want to see her as my "sick mom" and withdraw like I did with my sister. But it's so hard to treat her like my mama, yet acknowledge that she could very well be dying from a serious illness for which she's not had treatment for months. She said she wasn't scared yet, though. My mom is so much like me...we've been through a lot together. I wouldn't be who I am today without her... you guys.... you guys have no idea. Did you know doctors told my parents that I wouldn't live a normal lifespan? That I would never walk? That I would more than likely have to live in some nursing home with people taking care of me 24/7 for the rest of my life? That's all true and not dramatized.
The ONLY reason....the ONLY reason I am who I am walking and (relatively) normal today is because of my mom. She didn't accept that diagnoses and she pushed me to my limits. She knew me. I was her daughter and she knew my capacity. It did help that I was motivated and stubborn as shit... I refused to be helpless. But I remember often getting discouraged. I could've caved. it was only with my mom's pushing... Her taking me to a special clinic 1 1/2 hours away on a monthly basis for years so i could learn to walk by the time i was around 2, Sending me away on one occasion for two weeks without my family so i could learn how to be sufficient without her help...and she was right, i would've just clinged to her had she been there. and more recently, when i randomly got staph infection and could've died...it was my mom's continuous pushing and trips to the doctor -though they pushed it under the rug enough for me to get a toe amputated- that saved my life. She kept telling them that my foot was hurting me, it wasn't just because there was dry skin there, and that this was something to look at. And you know what? I honestly feel like it's the strength and stubbornness that SHE helped instill me that got me through all that.
what THE FUCK would i do without her? Does she just need me to be what she has been to me all my life for her now? How do I do that? What do I do?
I have no fucking clue.
...also, I miss you all. I know you've reached out and I've been... umm... distant, to say the least. pretty much at home alone or with my parents. BUT. please keep trying? All of you? Every one? Especially JK. you're comforting, and I miss not doing anything with you and still feeling peaceful. If you can.
Also: I got to finally talk real talk with my mom. Told her how I've been frustrated with my siblings. They deal with bad shit by avoiding it or acknowledging it yet being so unrealistically hopeful and delusional about it. they did the same with Katie. I honestly think I was too young for me to even properly judge in hindsight how I dealt with her sickness and death, but I do remember that rubbing off on me...the fact that I never thought her dying was an option. And I do know that as soon as she got sick, I saw her as my "sick sister" Even though we were close..wore the same clothes, shared the same room. And now, my mom has cancer, and could possibly be dying. My whole life, she has been the person I have been the closest to always. She's my mama.
And I don't want to see her as my "sick mom" and withdraw like I did with my sister. But it's so hard to treat her like my mama, yet acknowledge that she could very well be dying from a serious illness for which she's not had treatment for months. She said she wasn't scared yet, though. My mom is so much like me...we've been through a lot together. I wouldn't be who I am today without her... you guys.... you guys have no idea. Did you know doctors told my parents that I wouldn't live a normal lifespan? That I would never walk? That I would more than likely have to live in some nursing home with people taking care of me 24/7 for the rest of my life? That's all true and not dramatized.
The ONLY reason....the ONLY reason I am who I am walking and (relatively) normal today is because of my mom. She didn't accept that diagnoses and she pushed me to my limits. She knew me. I was her daughter and she knew my capacity. It did help that I was motivated and stubborn as shit... I refused to be helpless. But I remember often getting discouraged. I could've caved. it was only with my mom's pushing... Her taking me to a special clinic 1 1/2 hours away on a monthly basis for years so i could learn to walk by the time i was around 2, Sending me away on one occasion for two weeks without my family so i could learn how to be sufficient without her help...and she was right, i would've just clinged to her had she been there. and more recently, when i randomly got staph infection and could've died...it was my mom's continuous pushing and trips to the doctor -though they pushed it under the rug enough for me to get a toe amputated- that saved my life. She kept telling them that my foot was hurting me, it wasn't just because there was dry skin there, and that this was something to look at. And you know what? I honestly feel like it's the strength and stubbornness that SHE helped instill me that got me through all that.
what THE FUCK would i do without her? Does she just need me to be what she has been to me all my life for her now? How do I do that? What do I do?
I have no fucking clue.