(no subject)
i don't know how i feel about teachers sometimes being randomly astute and asking if everything's ok. it kinda makes me feel good, and kinda makes me start to fall apart. maybe i wish i trusted them enough to say what's up... last semester, somebody read right through me about the power dynamics in my project group and was like "what's going on?" but i didn't have the energy to get into it while keeping myself calm enough to talk, but i wish i could have said more... i dunno, he seemed to get me more than i gave him credit for. and then today my prof was like "are you ok? you seemed a little..." something, i don't remember. and maybe if i'd had more than a second i could've let her know, but i also just don't trust people that much, and my shit is also not necessarily something i wanted to put her in the position of having to deal with. i appreciated it, anyway...
well, whatever. i guess i'm not so ok, i haven't been so ok for a bit. i mean, it goes back and forth, but i've had a lot of not so ok spells lately. mostly i don't know what's up, i just feel screwy. i know what's up a little... right now i'm thinking i'm just dealing with a lot. it's like, in terms of the oppression i experience, how do i survive, keep myself going? and then in terms of the oppression i enact, how do i remain conscious so my survival does not impinge upon the survival of somebody else? and that's a lot. but i'm at school, so then it's like, how do i deal with classes, homework, other obligations on top of that as well as with that awareness? and what do i do when something from class or homework or whatever makes me feel shitty in a way that's more fundamental than the academic? or when somebody treats something as just academic when i experience it in some capacity? so i guess of course i'm not ok right now.
i don't really want to have classes. i would rather be here without the classes. or be somewhere else, where i didn't have to push all this shit aside so much.
well, whatever. i guess i'm not so ok, i haven't been so ok for a bit. i mean, it goes back and forth, but i've had a lot of not so ok spells lately. mostly i don't know what's up, i just feel screwy. i know what's up a little... right now i'm thinking i'm just dealing with a lot. it's like, in terms of the oppression i experience, how do i survive, keep myself going? and then in terms of the oppression i enact, how do i remain conscious so my survival does not impinge upon the survival of somebody else? and that's a lot. but i'm at school, so then it's like, how do i deal with classes, homework, other obligations on top of that as well as with that awareness? and what do i do when something from class or homework or whatever makes me feel shitty in a way that's more fundamental than the academic? or when somebody treats something as just academic when i experience it in some capacity? so i guess of course i'm not ok right now.
i don't really want to have classes. i would rather be here without the classes. or be somewhere else, where i didn't have to push all this shit aside so much.