puffpuff
i dont know what it is, i think its stress. i have a lot of work to do and i just froze up, i cant do it. i sit and i try to concentrate but i cant. all i could think about is food. my stomach is full to its capacity and i want to add more and more and more. i have insatiable cravings.
i have to finish a book by tomorrow and write a paper on it-- no big deal i've done it before. i think the real thing that is bothering me is the italian oral exam i have tomorrow. i cant get it out of my head. it brings me back to the time on monday when she asked me to read a paragraph in italian to the class. i had realized that i havent spoken in class for weeks; it must have been after she decided on a new policy of people raising their hands instead of being called upon for participation points. i struggled and i mispronounced. i felt myself turning read and shaking and other people's eyes on me thinking "why doesnt this girl know this?" i knew i wasnt speaking as well as the rest of the class. so much for that confidence i had built up awhile ago when i actually knew the answers to the question's she'd ask me in class. that confidence...gone after that moment when i struggled to speak and then suddenly was interrupted by another girl the teacher called on to finish up the miniscule paragraph. defeated.
so now tomorrow brings worry to me. i will sit there dumbfounded when my teacher asks me some stupid question and i will know how to answer, yet say it wrong. fear...i just hope this time instead of saying "where have you been the last 40 minutes?", she wont ask "where have you been this entire semester?" i'm the stupidest kid in the class.
i think my overwhelming thought right now is if i am this disheartened right now about what i am accomplishing, what about later? what is the point of all this anyway. sometimes i feel like just giving up and crawling into a hole. i'm tired of looking for momentary things to satisfy me when nothing does overall. maybe its just a mood right now because i think that on other days i truly believe that things are alright and i like the way my life is. right now, fear awaits me and more than ever i wish i could just be a coward and go cry about it somewhere or just like give up and go back to high school.
on a lighter note, i will add a small anecdote about yesterdays happenings:
i was walking along from class to the cafeteria (of course), and it was a particularly windy day and i had chosen to wear a skirt because it happened to be above 50 degrees outside for once. so i was walking out, one hand holding down the skirt, the other holding a cell phone. out of nowhere a giant maple leaf comes flying towards me and lands flat on my face. the wind is so strong, i cant manage to shake it off and i am there, struggling, shaking my head, and hitting my face with the phone in order to get this evil leaf to release itself from my face and through a crack which it has permitted my eye to see where i'm going, i notice people walking by and looking at me, smiling, laughing!! for a good 10 seconds i battled the leaf and the wind and finally got it off...only too late for the people who had already passed me to notice i was laughing too! the only image left in their mind was my petrified face trying to get the leaf off. damn leaves! after all i've said about them!
i then proceded to fall UP the stairs..in slow motion i might add.
i dont know what i want, in this huge crowd of people and things, i just feel kind of alone.
i have to finish a book by tomorrow and write a paper on it-- no big deal i've done it before. i think the real thing that is bothering me is the italian oral exam i have tomorrow. i cant get it out of my head. it brings me back to the time on monday when she asked me to read a paragraph in italian to the class. i had realized that i havent spoken in class for weeks; it must have been after she decided on a new policy of people raising their hands instead of being called upon for participation points. i struggled and i mispronounced. i felt myself turning read and shaking and other people's eyes on me thinking "why doesnt this girl know this?" i knew i wasnt speaking as well as the rest of the class. so much for that confidence i had built up awhile ago when i actually knew the answers to the question's she'd ask me in class. that confidence...gone after that moment when i struggled to speak and then suddenly was interrupted by another girl the teacher called on to finish up the miniscule paragraph. defeated.
so now tomorrow brings worry to me. i will sit there dumbfounded when my teacher asks me some stupid question and i will know how to answer, yet say it wrong. fear...i just hope this time instead of saying "where have you been the last 40 minutes?", she wont ask "where have you been this entire semester?" i'm the stupidest kid in the class.
i think my overwhelming thought right now is if i am this disheartened right now about what i am accomplishing, what about later? what is the point of all this anyway. sometimes i feel like just giving up and crawling into a hole. i'm tired of looking for momentary things to satisfy me when nothing does overall. maybe its just a mood right now because i think that on other days i truly believe that things are alright and i like the way my life is. right now, fear awaits me and more than ever i wish i could just be a coward and go cry about it somewhere or just like give up and go back to high school.
on a lighter note, i will add a small anecdote about yesterdays happenings:
i was walking along from class to the cafeteria (of course), and it was a particularly windy day and i had chosen to wear a skirt because it happened to be above 50 degrees outside for once. so i was walking out, one hand holding down the skirt, the other holding a cell phone. out of nowhere a giant maple leaf comes flying towards me and lands flat on my face. the wind is so strong, i cant manage to shake it off and i am there, struggling, shaking my head, and hitting my face with the phone in order to get this evil leaf to release itself from my face and through a crack which it has permitted my eye to see where i'm going, i notice people walking by and looking at me, smiling, laughing!! for a good 10 seconds i battled the leaf and the wind and finally got it off...only too late for the people who had already passed me to notice i was laughing too! the only image left in their mind was my petrified face trying to get the leaf off. damn leaves! after all i've said about them!
i then proceded to fall UP the stairs..in slow motion i might add.
i dont know what i want, in this huge crowd of people and things, i just feel kind of alone.