(no subject)
i don't even know what to say.
it's surreal. that all of this is happening. that something i wanted SO badly years ago, is happening exactly as i wanted it to. and now i'm here, and it's going on, and as he's touching my face and brushing the hair from my eyes, and basically holding me in the most intimate and steady way i've ever felt, i'm feeling little to no emotion.
but not, no emotion in the way that i wasn't going to let what was happening, happen..no emotion in the way where when you like someone your heart soars when they touch you.
and all it had me wondering was, is it because him touching me is familiar? the way his hands never stop moving over my back and shoulders and neck even if we are just laying there, is it not sending waves through me because it is familiar and safe, and i've been there before?
it's not a bad feeling. it just,..IS.
and i've been so upfront about everything. he knows i can't give him the relationship he wants right now in terms of seriousness. and he knows that i am seeing other people. and he knows that i am planning on leaving, and that i have so much living to do on my own.
and he just doesn't seem to care.
he's been waiting for a long time. and i guess when someone comes back to you that you've been waiting for, you are willing to overlook a lot of things in order to make at least a part of them stay.
today there was a sadness in him, and an unwillingness to leave both in the morning, and again when he came to say goodbye. i didn't know what to say or do.
i'm not the same girl who would have done anything for him. i'm not blind to all the flaws, and the challenges that would come with being with him.
i'm not even sure i'm willing to give up the other person, even if this is a safe bet. because that's not what i do - i'm not with people simply because they like me back.
i don't want to hurt him. and i don't think i will. but at the same time, i'm being honest and upfront and that's all i can do.
it's surreal. that all of this is happening. that something i wanted SO badly years ago, is happening exactly as i wanted it to. and now i'm here, and it's going on, and as he's touching my face and brushing the hair from my eyes, and basically holding me in the most intimate and steady way i've ever felt, i'm feeling little to no emotion.
but not, no emotion in the way that i wasn't going to let what was happening, happen..no emotion in the way where when you like someone your heart soars when they touch you.
and all it had me wondering was, is it because him touching me is familiar? the way his hands never stop moving over my back and shoulders and neck even if we are just laying there, is it not sending waves through me because it is familiar and safe, and i've been there before?
it's not a bad feeling. it just,..IS.
and i've been so upfront about everything. he knows i can't give him the relationship he wants right now in terms of seriousness. and he knows that i am seeing other people. and he knows that i am planning on leaving, and that i have so much living to do on my own.
and he just doesn't seem to care.
he's been waiting for a long time. and i guess when someone comes back to you that you've been waiting for, you are willing to overlook a lot of things in order to make at least a part of them stay.
today there was a sadness in him, and an unwillingness to leave both in the morning, and again when he came to say goodbye. i didn't know what to say or do.
i'm not the same girl who would have done anything for him. i'm not blind to all the flaws, and the challenges that would come with being with him.
i'm not even sure i'm willing to give up the other person, even if this is a safe bet. because that's not what i do - i'm not with people simply because they like me back.
i don't want to hurt him. and i don't think i will. but at the same time, i'm being honest and upfront and that's all i can do.