[losing my mind]
Feeling too tired without any particular reason, which, considering the past few days isn't, perhaps, even that surprising... seriously too tired; too tired to even know which day it is, but it matters not anyway, as too tired to care. Not physically, just tired mentally, of everything, everyone, perhaps myself most of all...
Forgetting is hard work and demands too much concentration - which I don't have; and too much devotion - which I'm too apathetic to care about. And, I can't really seem to help it even though I really do try - I seem to be addicted to thinking about the exact same thing I'm trying to forget. However. Forgetting, in itself doesn't present as much of a challenge as I thought it would, since thinking about what I'm supposed to be trying to forget doesn't even entertain me as much as it used to... but I still continue thinking about them it nonetheless, because that's the only way I'll ever be able to forget.
An incredible and basically unmentionable amount of time spent in that place during the past five or so years, and now I don't want to be there; even though I'm still drawn to that place with the same intensity as before, I just feel like avoiding it completely... yet I still go, and will continue going, because how else would I be able to keep at least a decent fragment of my sanity..? I want to go, but I really don't want to be seen there, because I can't look, in order to forget. And, there's just simply no point in going there in the first place if one cannot look. However, it's not looking but being seen that I fear the most, as it makes it too difficult to forget.
Looking in retrospective, all the missed opportunities that I had seem more than ridiculous. Opportunities - for what..? For asking for (and perhaps even receiving) what I wanted and needed back then; what I still might want every now and then, but what I certainly don't need anymore. Missed, because of what? Because I couldn't just ask, without first having to open myself to certain people... and, to avoid doing that, I suppose I'm willing to miss just about any (every) opportunity.
Interestingly enough, the opportunity is still there, but I won't take it still. I might still want it, perhaps don't need it, but most certainly won't come even close to taking it. Taking it would mean having to open myself in the same way it would have been necessary before, and rather than doing that I again choose to forget and not have what I'm trying to forget.
Forgetting is hard work and demands too much concentration - which I don't have; and too much devotion - which I'm too apathetic to care about. And, I can't really seem to help it even though I really do try - I seem to be addicted to thinking about the exact same thing I'm trying to forget. However. Forgetting, in itself doesn't present as much of a challenge as I thought it would, since thinking about what I'm supposed to be trying to forget doesn't even entertain me as much as it used to... but I still continue thinking about them it nonetheless, because that's the only way I'll ever be able to forget.
An incredible and basically unmentionable amount of time spent in that place during the past five or so years, and now I don't want to be there; even though I'm still drawn to that place with the same intensity as before, I just feel like avoiding it completely... yet I still go, and will continue going, because how else would I be able to keep at least a decent fragment of my sanity..? I want to go, but I really don't want to be seen there, because I can't look, in order to forget. And, there's just simply no point in going there in the first place if one cannot look. However, it's not looking but being seen that I fear the most, as it makes it too difficult to forget.
Looking in retrospective, all the missed opportunities that I had seem more than ridiculous. Opportunities - for what..? For asking for (and perhaps even receiving) what I wanted and needed back then; what I still might want every now and then, but what I certainly don't need anymore. Missed, because of what? Because I couldn't just ask, without first having to open myself to certain people... and, to avoid doing that, I suppose I'm willing to miss just about any (every) opportunity.
Interestingly enough, the opportunity is still there, but I won't take it still. I might still want it, perhaps don't need it, but most certainly won't come even close to taking it. Taking it would mean having to open myself in the same way it would have been necessary before, and rather than doing that I again choose to forget and not have what I'm trying to forget.