alone
sometimes i feel so invisible.
mom and dad are far away, they barely know who i am
my brothers are further away, and know less of who i am.
steve loves me, i know, but sometimes i wonder just how much. does he feel a sad lump in his heart when we are apart like i do?
my "best friend" and i have sporatic intermittent periods of speaking or not. she's as volitile and unforgiving as i am. sometimes we dont speak for years at a time.
others might come and go, co-workers, neighbors, classmates.
i look around and i see sisters and brothers and best friends for 20 years. i see mothers and daughters and cousins and girlfriends and husbands and wives. what have they figured out that i haven't? how do they get past the drama and forgive and forget and support and encourage?
i know you cant spend a lifetime blaming your childhood for your life's failures, but sometimes i really wonder what i missed. why wasn't i encouraged or forgiven? how come nobody taught me how to communicate better? why cant i love someone so unconditionally that i never have to worry about them leaving me?
sometimes i think that in 5 or 10 years or 20, after my parnets are gone, i will be totally alone. utterly alone. steve doesnt want to marry me, which makes me feel like he's going to leave me sooner or later. my brothers dont care enough about me to call. my cousins all have brothers and sisters to look after and love. and eventually i will grow tired of investing time in seasonal co-worker friends. and i will have no one.
mom and dad are far away, they barely know who i am
my brothers are further away, and know less of who i am.
steve loves me, i know, but sometimes i wonder just how much. does he feel a sad lump in his heart when we are apart like i do?
my "best friend" and i have sporatic intermittent periods of speaking or not. she's as volitile and unforgiving as i am. sometimes we dont speak for years at a time.
others might come and go, co-workers, neighbors, classmates.
i look around and i see sisters and brothers and best friends for 20 years. i see mothers and daughters and cousins and girlfriends and husbands and wives. what have they figured out that i haven't? how do they get past the drama and forgive and forget and support and encourage?
i know you cant spend a lifetime blaming your childhood for your life's failures, but sometimes i really wonder what i missed. why wasn't i encouraged or forgiven? how come nobody taught me how to communicate better? why cant i love someone so unconditionally that i never have to worry about them leaving me?
sometimes i think that in 5 or 10 years or 20, after my parnets are gone, i will be totally alone. utterly alone. steve doesnt want to marry me, which makes me feel like he's going to leave me sooner or later. my brothers dont care enough about me to call. my cousins all have brothers and sisters to look after and love. and eventually i will grow tired of investing time in seasonal co-worker friends. and i will have no one.