Conflicted And Cleaning
Yesterday it was delightfully chilly and I set up a fire in my fireplace! I have my cursor set to falling leaves for my favorite season! I totally recleaned and organized my room, and I'm going to try to keep it that way for a long time. I'd really like to clean my closet and get rid of my dresser. I'd also like to paint the walls, but I'm having a bit of difficulty picking the color. l'd also enjoy putting more things on my walls. I have a lot of pictures I can't hang up yet.
I took my dogs out while my brother was at his homecoming dance. The air was chilly so I wore my black fall jacket out. The people catty corner of my house had a fire, so the air smelled warm and nice. The sky was very beautiful, a seemingly clear black, with a beautiful scattering of purple clouds. I wanted Tony there so I could walk with him around the neighborhood, then bring him back home and snuggle him on my couch. Next to a fire of course, watching a good movie.
However....He's 3000 miles away. And he had a terrible day and we ended up getting mad at each other. He was upset about a lot of things, tried to act like he wasn't, then got mad at something a friend of ours said online, and switched servers. Then I asked him to come back, and he kept silent when he did. Then he stormed away, accusing us of having a side conversation in private chat. Which set me off. Because it wasn't true! And then he just kept saying "I shouldn't be here. I don't care." and that he hated his life in a couple different ways. Which hurts to hear. I felt like a terrible girlfriend that I let him feel that way and hadn't noticed he was acting. But then I got miffed back because of the accusation and drama and signed off. Then he called on accident, which I didn't know, so I called back. Then he had to hang up, then I asked him to call back.
I tried to apologize for how I was being difficult and mean to him, but he didn't notice. I wanted to talk about how he was feeling, but as usual, he just kept randomly saying what was on his computer screen so I gave up. I said "Never mind. Bye, Tony" and cried just a bit before falling asleep. I don't know why. I started to, uh, tear up, after he coughed pretty bad, and when I asked if he was okay he just said (angrily) "I''ve been doing that all day. I don't care."
I haven't heard from him since, and I'm still pissed off. I guess I am the sort who needs an an actual ending and I can't let anything go. But it feels like he can't trust me with his feelings, or to not talk behind his back, and I feel like a terrible grlfriend because of those things. and I feel bad that I mistreated him. It would be really awesome if he'd wake up and we could have some resolution here.
This morning, I woke up early, and took a shower. I layed around with my kitty for a bit before I dried my hair. I've spent my time folding laundry, taking out my dogs, and watching ghost buster. A white stray cat wander by and I set out soem food for it. It reminded me of the calico that went by yesterday as Icleaned my room. I reallt want this day to get better. It's going well in the physical world, but I can't get Tony out of my mind. Not that i can normally, but this time it isn't in a good way.